Matthew 12

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===== Lord ob teh Caturday =====
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  At dat timez, Jebus wented thru da grain on caturday; his desiples wanted moar cheezburger and wuz in the grainfield, eaten dem grains. Wen Fairy-sees sawz dis, dey say, "N00b, chou desiples be offendin Ceiling Cat on caturday!!!!111eleven.Jebus den say, "Hath u not readz abot Davidsz?" He enterz Ceiling Cat's home and eated his cheezburgers. Maybe you is read dat the priesteses does work on caturday and Ceiling Cat is not mad? Ceiling Cat sayz, "I is want mer-see, and no sackfice." I no dis because of mine book learnings.  Da Kitten of Cats is in da charge of caturdayJebus left dat crib, and enters da sin-a-goge. 
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  A man be der, his handz wuz hurted. Dey says to him, "Hai2u. B it okai 2 give rez on caturday?" He sayz, "Suppoze u is had onlyz one sheepasourousrex, and it needz rez on caturday.  Wood u give rez?
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| 1 = At dat time, Happy Cat goed tru da grain on Caturday. His desiples wanted moar kibble an wuz in teh grainfield, eaten dem grains.
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  Den Jebus say, "Giv me ur paw, kthx."  Da man doez this, and he wuz rezed. But da Fairy-sees wuz in da sin-a-goge, plottin ur conspearasay.
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| 2 = Wen Fairy-sees sawz dis, dey say to he, "N00b, yur desiples be offendin Ceiling Cat on Caturday!!1!1!!"   
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  When Jebus knowed dis, because of his book learnings, he /quit da servar. Many pplz copied, and mass joined Jebus' new servar.  He is cured them, but says not to tellz, cuz he DO NOT WANT pplz to mass join.  Dis is cuz Isaiah be sayin dis long agoes:
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| 3 = Happy Cat den say, "Haz yu not readz abot wotz David didz wen he an him compinyuns waz hungryz?"  
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  "Hear be my ho, who i
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| 4 = He enterz Ceiling Cat's home an eated his cheezburgers, maybe you is read dat.
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            iz picks.
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| 5 = Or hasnt yu readz dat priestz work on caturday but them stillz inocents?
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    my precioious, wit my catness iz
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| 6 = Iz tellin yu dat sumfin moar better than teh temple ist here.
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            likes.
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| 7 = If youz haz knowed wut dem wordz mean, 'I can has mercy, not sackerfice,' yu not wud has condemened teh inocents.
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    I puts da Spirit on himz,
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| 8 = For teh sonz of kittehs is lord ob teh Caturday. Srsly!"
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      n hez will bring justace 2 da
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              gents.
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    He is not break any reedz
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        nor quenche a smalldering wik
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| 9 = Goings on from dem places, he wents into teh Ceiling Catz shrines
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      till he is bringing justace to da V
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| 10 = an a cat wif a shwirveled paw was der. Dem Fairy-sees wants reason to accuze Happy Cat, dey asked him "It be lawzful to heelz on Caturday?"
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    iN his named agents will be hope
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| 11 = An Happy Cat sed to dem, "If yuz has a sheep an it felled in a pit on Caturday, wud yu not helps it out?!
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| 12 = Duh! Iz lawzful to do gudz on Caturday!!!"   
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  Den dey is bring sum guy who iz camaflouged, and doesz not see or spaeks. Jebus giv rez, and be not camaflouged. All da pplz say WOWZ!!!!!!!1111eleven and dey say, "Can dis be da Kitten of Ceiling Cat?"  But den da Fairy-sees learn dis, and dey is sayin, "It be Belxebul, he is da admin of demonz, and he is give them permabans. Jebus noez dey is saying dis, and say to dem, "Every servar divided crashes. If iz da admin o da demonz, and i iz banning dem, how culd der b a demon servar? How can onez be in ur hous, stealin ur stuff if dey is not first tye u up? All da LOLcats who iz not wit me, b aganist me.  PPlz will b 4given 4 der blashpemeings against Jebus, but not against da Holly Spearat.
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| 13 = Den Happy Cat say, "Giv me yur paw, kthx."  Da man doez this, an he wuz maded better.  
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  U iz makes da treez good, and its fruit delusious, or iz making da treez bad, and its fruit do not want.
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| 14 = But da Fairy-sees went outz an plotted to killz Happy Cat.
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  OMGZ, WHAT U SAY? U is evilz! Da good pplz find goodz out of mine treasures. I tellz youz, when da day of judge a ment cometh, Ceiling Cat willz know wut u iz doing, and he is axe u to splain urself. If Celing Cat is amazeedb by ur perfeket grammer, u is saved.
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  Den, da Fairy-sees say, "Waiii, how we know u iz from tech support?" Jebus says, u iz evilz if you axe this.  I is not show mai IDz, but axe dat guy, Jonah. Jonah wuz in ur sea monster, upgrading its ram 4 tree days and knights, and so i iz be in ur earth, uprgrading ur ram 4 tree days n nights. PPlz will mass join my servar, cuz dey see i upgrade moar ram den Jonah. N emportant pplz sayz, where b Solomon, from tech suppprt, and dey is realize Jebus iz bettur. 
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  Wen da unclean spirat /quit da perzon, it looks 4 a new servar to join, but all iz p-wurd protectad. Den it says, "Okai, i rejoin ur servar,"
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===== Ceiling Catz Chozen Servent =====
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Wen it coesm, there iz pleanty of emtpy slotz, and no admin. And so it calz its friends and dey mass join da servar, and the servar is laggier than b4Dis is wut uz r.
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  Whiles he wuz speak, mothership cat wuz want a wurd. Some1 say, "Look!!!!!!111 Mothership cat is waitin" But Jebus say, "Who b mothership cat?" N den he points to da desiples and says, "U iz mothership cat!"  Whoevar doez wut Ceiling Cat does want is mothership cat.
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| 15 = Wen Happy Cat knowed dis, him went awayz. Many followin him, an him heelded all dem sicks,
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| 16 = sayin themz not to tellz who he wuz,
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| 17 = Dis is cuz Isaiah wuz sayin dis long agoes:  
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{{verse
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| 18 = "Heerz my servent, who iz picked.
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teh one ai luvs, wit my catness delightz;
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I maeks him hover laik me, cuz iz fun, srsly;
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an him will bringed justace to them nayshuns of cats;
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| 19 = Him not will haf any catfites;
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An yu gonna not heer him yowl in dem streets.
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| 20 = Him not gonna break a broozed reed, whatever dem is;
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nether will he makez flickering lightbulb go out;
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till him bringed justace to vick-trees;
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| 21 = in hiz name teh catz will put dem hopez."
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===== Happy Cat an Beezlebubz =====
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| 22 = Den deyz bringin Happy Cat sum guy who is pozessed by teh basement catz minionsez, and does not see or spaeks, an Happy Cat heeld him, an teh cat cud see an heerz agin.
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| 23 = All dem kittehs were liek "NOWAI!!" and dey say, "Can dis be da Kitten of Davidz?"   
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| 24 = But wen da Fairy-sees heer dis, dem sez, "Iz Beezlebubz, teh prince of basement cat, dat dis kitteh drivez outz teh deemuns.
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| 25 = Happy Cat noez dey is saying dis, and sez to dem, "All dem kingdums in peeces agenst itselfz will be maed bad, an all dem citehs or pack haus in peeces agenst itselfz not can stands.
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| 26 = If basement cat drives out basement cat, himz in peeces agenst himselfz. How canz his kingdums stand? Duh!
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| 27 = An if iz drivin out teh deemuns by Beezlebub, whoz yur kittehs drivin dem out wif?! Dem gonna be yur judge!
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| 28 = But if iz drivin out teh deemuns wif teh Hover Cat, then teh Ceiling Kingdums comin here wif yu.
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| 29 = "Or agin, how yu can go into teh haus ownd by a strong cat an take away him toyz if yu not gonna tie him up first? Then yu can take away him toyz. Srsly!
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| 30 = If yuz not wif me yuz agenst me, an if yu not cuddle wif me yu go away!
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| 31 = An so I telled yu, every invisible error an bad wurds is gonna be maed okay for kittehs, but bad wurds against teh Hover Cat is not gonna be maed okay.
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| 32 = If yu speek a wurd agenst teh Kitten of Cats, yu gonna be maed okay, but if yu speek a wurd agenst teh Hover Cat yu is not gonna be maed okay, not in this wurld an not in teh next wurld.
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| 33 = Maek a tree gud an itz froot will be good, or maek a tree bad an itz froot will be bad, cuz a tree is knowd by itz froot.
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| 34 = Yu pile of dogz, howcome yuz evil tryin to say things good? Cuz iz yur heart that maeken dem words! Srsly!
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| 35 = Teh gud kitteh bringed fun playing from teh gud datz in him, an teh bad cat bringed catfites from teh bad datz in him.
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| 36 = But iz tellin yu dat cats will haf to splain on teh judgemint day for all teh careles wurds dem speeked.
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| 37 = Cuz by yur words yu will be maed okay, an by yur words yu will be locked in teh basement!
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===== Teh Sign of Jonah =====
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{{ Verse
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| 38 = An then sum Fairy-sees an teechers of teh lawz sez to him, "Teecher, we can has meeracle from yu?"
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| 39 = Him sed, "An evul an cheetin breedz askin me fer a meeracle! But none of dem gonna get it except teh sign of teh proffit Jonah.
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| 40 = Cuz liek Jonah was tree dayz in an tree nights in teh belly of teh beeg fisheh, so teh kitten of catz gonna be in teh heart of teh urfs.
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| 41 = Teh cats of Nineveh gonna stand at teh judgemint wif yur breed an lock dem in teh basement, cuz demz said dem wur bad at teh preechin of Jonah, an now one bigger than Jonahz heer.
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| 42 = Teh Queen of teh Soufz gonna rise at teh judgemint wif yur breed an lock dem in teh basement, cuz she camed from teh ends of teh urfs to heer Solomon say smart thingz, an now one bigger than Solomonz heer! Srsly!
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| 43 = When teh evul spiritz comin out of a cat, it goes tru dry places lookin fer a nap an not finds it.
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| 44 = Then it sez, 'Iz gonna go back to da haus I left!'  When it gets der, itz findin teh haus empty, all maed cleen an neat.
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| 45 = Then it goes an taeks wif it seven other spirits moar evulz than itselfs, an they go in der and live der. An then teh cat is moar evul than he wuz beforeSrsly!  That is how itz gonna be wif yur breed.
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===== Happy Cat's Mammacat an Littermates =====
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| 46 = While Happy Cat wuz still speeking to dem cats, his mammacat an littermates wuz outside, wanting to talk wif him.
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| 47 = Someone sez to him, "Yur mammacat an littermates iz outside, an dem wants to speek to yu! Kthx!"
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| 48 = Him sez back, "Wut?  Whoz my mammacat, an whoz my littermates?"
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| 49 = He nosed at his desiples, an sed, "Herez my mammacat an littermates.
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| 50 = Cuz if yuz doin teh will of my daddycat in teh Ceiling yuz my littermates and mammacat."
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[[Category:Matthew|Matthew 12]]
[[Category:Matthew|Matthew 12]]
{{Bottom Bar|NextBook=[[Mark]]|PrevBook=[[Malachi]]|NextChap=[[Matthew 13]]|PrevChap=[[Matthew 11]]}}
{{Bottom Bar|NextBook=[[Mark]]|PrevBook=[[Malachi]]|NextChap=[[Matthew 13]]|PrevChap=[[Matthew 11]]}}

Latest revision as of 13:34, 20 August 2009

New Testament
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Contents

Lord ob teh Caturday

1 At dat time, Happy Cat goed tru da grain on Caturday. His desiples wanted moar kibble an wuz in teh grainfield, eaten dem grains.2 Wen Fairy-sees sawz dis, dey say to he, "N00b, yur desiples be offendin Ceiling Cat on Caturday!!1!1!!"3 Happy Cat den say, "Haz yu not readz abot wotz David didz wen he an him compinyuns waz hungryz?"4 He enterz Ceiling Cat's home an eated his cheezburgers, maybe you is read dat.5 Or hasnt yu readz dat priestz work on caturday but them stillz inocents?6 Iz tellin yu dat sumfin moar better than teh temple ist here.7 If youz haz knowed wut dem wordz mean, 'I can has mercy, not sackerfice,' yu not wud has condemened teh inocents.8 For teh sonz of kittehs is lord ob teh Caturday. Srsly!"

9 Goings on from dem places, he wents into teh Ceiling Catz shrines10 an a cat wif a shwirveled paw was der. Dem Fairy-sees wants reason to accuze Happy Cat, dey asked him "It be lawzful to heelz on Caturday?"11 An Happy Cat sed to dem, "If yuz has a sheep an it felled in a pit on Caturday, wud yu not helps it out?!12 Duh! Iz lawzful to do gudz on Caturday!!!"13 Den Happy Cat say, "Giv me yur paw, kthx." Da man doez this, an he wuz maded better.14 But da Fairy-sees went outz an plotted to killz Happy Cat.

Ceiling Catz Chozen Servent

15 Wen Happy Cat knowed dis, him went awayz. Many followin him, an him heelded all dem sicks,16 sayin themz not to tellz who he wuz,17 Dis is cuz Isaiah wuz sayin dis long agoes:

18 "Heerz my servent, who iz picked.

  teh one ai luvs, wit my catness delightz;

  I maeks him hover laik me, cuz iz fun, srsly;

  an him will bringed justace to them nayshuns of cats;

19 Him not will haf any catfites;

  An yu gonna not heer him yowl in dem streets.

20 Him not gonna break a broozed reed, whatever dem is;

  nether will he makez flickering lightbulb go out;

  till him bringed justace to vick-trees;

21 in hiz name teh catz will put dem hopez."

Happy Cat an Beezlebubz

22 Den deyz bringin Happy Cat sum guy who is pozessed by teh basement catz minionsez, and does not see or spaeks, an Happy Cat heeld him, an teh cat cud see an heerz agin.23 All dem kittehs were liek "NOWAI!!" and dey say, "Can dis be da Kitten of Davidz?"

24 But wen da Fairy-sees heer dis, dem sez, "Iz Beezlebubz, teh prince of basement cat, dat dis kitteh drivez outz teh deemuns.

25 Happy Cat noez dey is saying dis, and sez to dem, "All dem kingdums in peeces agenst itselfz will be maed bad, an all dem citehs or pack haus in peeces agenst itselfz not can stands.26 If basement cat drives out basement cat, himz in peeces agenst himselfz. How canz his kingdums stand? Duh!27 An if iz drivin out teh deemuns by Beezlebub, whoz yur kittehs drivin dem out wif?! Dem gonna be yur judge!28 But if iz drivin out teh deemuns wif teh Hover Cat, then teh Ceiling Kingdums comin here wif yu.

29 "Or agin, how yu can go into teh haus ownd by a strong cat an take away him toyz if yu not gonna tie him up first? Then yu can take away him toyz. Srsly!

30 If yuz not wif me yuz agenst me, an if yu not cuddle wif me yu go away!31 An so I telled yu, every invisible error an bad wurds is gonna be maed okay for kittehs, but bad wurds against teh Hover Cat is not gonna be maed okay.32 If yu speek a wurd agenst teh Kitten of Cats, yu gonna be maed okay, but if yu speek a wurd agenst teh Hover Cat yu is not gonna be maed okay, not in this wurld an not in teh next wurld.

33 Maek a tree gud an itz froot will be good, or maek a tree bad an itz froot will be bad, cuz a tree is knowd by itz froot.34 Yu pile of dogz, howcome yuz evil tryin to say things good? Cuz iz yur heart that maeken dem words! Srsly!35 Teh gud kitteh bringed fun playing from teh gud datz in him, an teh bad cat bringed catfites from teh bad datz in him.36 But iz tellin yu dat cats will haf to splain on teh judgemint day for all teh careles wurds dem speeked.37 Cuz by yur words yu will be maed okay, an by yur words yu will be locked in teh basement!

Teh Sign of Jonah

38 An then sum Fairy-sees an teechers of teh lawz sez to him, "Teecher, we can has meeracle from yu?"

39 Him sed, "An evul an cheetin breedz askin me fer a meeracle! But none of dem gonna get it except teh sign of teh proffit Jonah.40 Cuz liek Jonah was tree dayz in an tree nights in teh belly of teh beeg fisheh, so teh kitten of catz gonna be in teh heart of teh urfs.41 Teh cats of Nineveh gonna stand at teh judgemint wif yur breed an lock dem in teh basement, cuz demz said dem wur bad at teh preechin of Jonah, an now one bigger than Jonahz heer.42 Teh Queen of teh Soufz gonna rise at teh judgemint wif yur breed an lock dem in teh basement, cuz she camed from teh ends of teh urfs to heer Solomon say smart thingz, an now one bigger than Solomonz heer! Srsly!

43 When teh evul spiritz comin out of a cat, it goes tru dry places lookin fer a nap an not finds it.44 Then it sez, 'Iz gonna go back to da haus I left!' When it gets der, itz findin teh haus empty, all maed cleen an neat.45 Then it goes an taeks wif it seven other spirits moar evulz than itselfs, an they go in der and live der. An then teh cat is moar evul than he wuz before. Srsly! That is how itz gonna be wif yur breed.

Happy Cat's Mammacat an Littermates

46 While Happy Cat wuz still speeking to dem cats, his mammacat an littermates wuz outside, wanting to talk wif him.47 Someone sez to him, "Yur mammacat an littermates iz outside, an dem wants to speek to yu! Kthx!"

48 Him sez back, "Wut? Whoz my mammacat, an whoz my littermates?"49 He nosed at his desiples, an sed, "Herez my mammacat an littermates.50 Cuz if yuz doin teh will of my daddycat in teh Ceiling yuz my littermates and mammacat."

Matthew 12
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