Matthew 1

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New Testament
Da genie-ologee of Jesuz Christ

1 Dis book of genie-ologee of Jesuz Christ, son of David, son of Abraham:2 Abraham maded Isaac, Isaac maded Jacob, Jacob maded Judah and hiz bros.3 Judah maded Perez and Zerah wit Tamar. Perez maded Hezron, and Hezron maded Ram.4 Ram maded Amminadab, Amminadab maded Nashon and Nashon maded Salmon. Not liek the fish, lol.5 Salmon maded Boaz, Boaz maded Obed by umpsing Ruth, Obed maded Jesse6 and Jesse maded King David teh king. King David teh king maded Solomon by umpsing sum chick that used to made peoples wit Uriah. Lol, Uriah got pwned.7 Solomon maded Rehoboam, Rehoboam maded Abijah and Abijah maded Asa.8 Asa maded Jehoshaphat, and he maded Jehoram and Jehoram maded Uzziah.9 Uzziah maded Jotham, Jotham maded Ahaz and Ahaz maded Hezekiah.10 Hezekiah maded Manasseh, Manasseh maded Amon and Amon maded Josiah.11 Josiah maded Jeconiah and hiz bros, was bout when they was carryeded to Babblylon.12 And after they was in Babblylon Jeconiah maded Shealtiel, and Shealtiel maded Zerubbabel13 Zerubbabel maded Abiud, Abiud maded Eliakim and Eliakim maded Azor.14 Azor maded Zadok, Zadok maded Akim and Akim maded Eliud.15 Eliud maded Eleazar, Eleazar maded Matthan and Matthan maded Jacob.16 And Jacob maded Joseph. dat wuz alot uv baybi makinn. Joseph was teh mister of Mary, and she maded Jesus, who gets called Christ, liek all teh time. Srsly.17 So all teh genenerayshuns from Abraham to David am 14 genenerayshuns, frm David to gettin lockeded up in Babblylon am 14 genenerayshuns, and frm gettin lockeded up in Babblylon to teh Christ am 14 genenerayshuns. Srsly.

Da burth of Jesuz Christ

18 Now, teh burth of teh Christ was liek dis: After Marry and Joseph waz all "We's gonna get marrieded, kthnx", but before dey could had hankiez pankiez Mary was all pr3ggerz from Teh Forse.19 Joseph was liek "I has virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a WallCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! I'm in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don't be scairdy cat. Take Mary as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HoverCat is on hur, givn hur feetus, srsly." So joseph was liek " Oh yey I'm gonna love him and squeez him and call him george."21 But Wallcat was liek "No, you gonna call him Jeezus, cso George bad name, srsly. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. His proffet was all liek:23 "Hay guise, look! teh virjn iz all pr3ggers, and dey gonna call him Immanuel", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wit us"24 Then Joseph waked up, done wat teh angel frm Ceiling Cat tolded him to, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Mary.25 And dey didnt has teh HARBL GOES WHERE!?!? til affer dey gets a son and calleded him Jeezus. Ktnx.

Matthew 1
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