Luke 5

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Jesus callz teh frst disaiplz

1 Wun dai Jesus wuz bai Lake Gennesaret n dere wuz all kiendz of peeplz lissnin, he wuz feelin crowdid.2 He seed two boetz whaer teh fishrmenz wuz washin dere netz.3 He gotted into wun of teh boatz an wuz liek "O hai Simon, cud u go a littl waiz into teh watr kthnx." Den he talkded to teh peepl from teh boat so he wudnt feel so crowdid.

4 When he wuz dun he sed "OK Simon, now go into teh deep watr an lets fish."

5 Simon wuz liek "We haz ben fishin all nite an all dai an haznt caughtid nothinz. But i wil stil do liek u sez."

6 An dey caughtid so much fish dere netz wuz braekin LOL.7 So dey asktid dere buddiez to help, an evribodiz boatz wuz so ful of fishiz dat teh boatz wuz sinkin LOL.

8 Simon Peter wuz all "OMG u iz teh kittn of Ceiling Cat! i iz a bad cat n i doant dizrv to hav u here wif me!"9 Bcz he an his frenz were all liek, OMG look at all teh fish.10 An so wuz James an John. Dere daddi Zebedee wuz Simons fishin buddi.
 Jesus wuz liek "Its OK, from now on u iz fishin for peeplz insted LOL."
11 So dey lefted dere boatz on teh shoar an followded Jesus.

Teh man wif leprosi (dat iz a skin dizeez, gross)

12 Whiel Jesus wuz teechin dis d00d wif leprosi caem along. When he seed Jesus he wuz all "Jesus, u can maek me helthi if u wantz, plz, kthnx."

13 Jesus touchted him wif hiz paw an wuz liek "OK." An teh leprosi wuz gon jus liek dat.

14 Jesus wuz liek "Doant tel ennibodi, jus go to teh tempul liek ur spoest to." (Bcz datz what Moses sed to do if u haz leprosi but u getz bettr)

15 But itz hard to keep a sekrit liek dat wun. All teh sick peeplz finded out an dey wuz followin Jesus around.16 So Jesus wud go hied an prai.

Teh Paralizd D00d

17 Wun dai Jesus wuz teechin. Dere wuz Pharisses dere, dey wuz liek lawyrz.18 Some d00dz tried to taek dere paralizd frend into teh house so Jesus cud maek him bettr.19 But it wuz too crowdid. So dey dragded him up on teh roof an droppt him in front of Jesus LOL.

20 Jesus wuz impressted, he wuz liek "O hai, i taekz awai ur Invizibl Errorz."

21 Teh Phariseez wuz all offendid, dey wuz liek "Who iz dis d00d who talkz liek dat? No wun but Ceiling Cat can taek awai Invizibl Errorz."

22 But Jesus cud read dere mindz. He wuz all "Why u iz thinkin dat?23 Iz it eazier to sai 'i taekz awai ur Invizibl Errorz' or 'Get up an get out of here LOL'?24 But so u wil know dat i can forgiv sinz ..." He sed to teh paralizd d00d, "Get up an get out of here."25 An datz what teh d00d did.26 Evribodi wuz all "Wow, Ceiling Cat r00lz."

O hai Levi

27 Den Jesus wented out an he seed a IRS d00d naemd Levi sittin in hiz booth, collectin hiz taxiz. "Com wif me," sed Jesus.28 Levi gotted up, lefted evrithin and folloed him.

29 Den Levi throwd a parti for Jesus at hiz plaec, an a lot of othr IRS d00dz showd up.30 Teh Pharisees gotted all snotti about dat, dey wuz liek "Jesus whai iz u partyin wif IRS d00dz an peepl who iz makin Invisible Errors?"

31 Jesus wuz all "Helthi peeplz duzint needsz a doctr. Onli sick peeplz needz a doctr.32 I didint com to hang out wif teh good peeplz, I caemd to maek teh bad peeplz straitn up an fly riet."

Jesus ansrz kweschnz about not eatin

33 Dey wuz also liek "Johnz followrz prai all teh tiem an doant eat. Teh Pharisees followrz iz teh saem wai. But ur followrz are alwaiz eatin cookies an drinkin, its liek a parti ovr dere."

34 Jesus wuz liek, "Wud u go to a weddin an tell all teh guestz to stop bein happi whiel teh groom wuz dere?35 Soonr or latr teh groom wil be taeknd awai. Dey wil stop bein happi den, doant worri."

36 He tolded dem dis stori: "No wun taerz off a piec of an new shirt an soez it onto an old wun. If u did u wud ruin teh new shirt an it wudnt match teh old wun eniwai LOL.37 An no wun putz new wien into old wienskinz." (Dey didint hav bottlz den, dey putted teh wien in a goat skin LOL) "Teh skinz wil braek an all teh wien wil get all ovr evriwaer LOL.38 U putz new wien in new wienskins.39 An no wun wantz it eniwai aftr dey drinkted teh old wien, bcz old wien iz bettr."

Luke 5
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