From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Cain pwns Abel
1 So Adam an Eve did sumfin dat ull lurn abowt wen yur oldr. Latr, Eve had a kitteh naymd Cain. She sed, "OMG Ceiling Cat givez me a boi!!!!".2 Latr, Eve has nothr kitteh naymd Abel, but dunno wat she sed aftr dat. Wen Cain an Abel gotz big, Abel tuk caer of teh shepe an Cain wuz a farmr leik his daddy.3 An aftr awhiel Cain gaev sum of teh froots for offerin to Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins.4 An Abel tuk sum yummy moocow fat, an he made teh 1st cheezburger, an gaev it to Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat thot it wuz AWSUM an sed, "U go Abel!"5 But Cainz offerin he no liekd. Ceiling Cat sed, "DO NOT WANT! Epic fail!!1!one!" So Cain got teh angries.
6 Ceiling Cat sed to Cain, "Hay! Wuts wit da tood? An y iz u all liek sad an stuf?7 If u doez gud stuf, u wil has a happee. But if u doez bad stuf, sin wants in: it wants to has you, but u hafta maik it go awai. Kthxbye."
8 An Cain told Abel his bruda wut happnd. An wun dai wen dey wuz in teh bakyard, Cain got all up in Abelz face, an totlly pwnd him.
9 Ceiling Cat sed "Cain, ware iz mah Abel???" Cain sed, "Ai dunno. Ai iz not kitteh-sitter."
10 An Ceiling Cat was liek, "O RLY? Ur ded bruda iz mewin frum undr teh carpt. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt heerin an stuf)11 K so nao cursd r u fum teh urfs, dat tuk yur bro's blud frum yur pawz.12 Yu can try an gro froots an veggiez, but teh urf isnt gonna cooperate. An its gonna sux cuz therz no farmwrkr yoonyun yet. So yur gonna play hide-an-go-seek for teh rest of yur lief. Wel, kinda."
15 An Ceiling Cat said "Ok den, aniwun dat pwns u, dey wil get pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd." An Ceiling Cat makz speshul tatoo for Cain, so nobudy findin him wud pwn him. Dat's wun humdingr uv a tatoo.16 An Cain rode on hiz invisibul biek awai frum Ceiling Cat. He gotz teh mornin sunbaff befor teh kittehs in Eden, cuz he catnappd in Nod.
17 So aftr Cain and hiz gurl did sumfin ull lurn abowt wen ur oldr, his gurl had a kitteh namd Enoch. He maks a city calld Enoch tu, cuz he finks Enoch rulz.18 Enoch had a kitteh namd Irad, whu had a kitteh namd Mehujael, whu had a kitteh namd Methusael, whu had a kitteh namd Lamech. Not all at teh saym tiem, tho.
19 Lamech gots marreed to twu gurlz namd Adah an Zillah. No wun had wrot relaishunship help buks yet, so it wuz teh awkward.20 Adah had a kitteh namd Jabal. He liekd sleepovrs alot so he livd in a tent, an othr ppl startd livin in tents too. O ya, he had moocows too.21 Jubal wuz Jabal's bro. (Deir mum liekd tung-twistrz.) Jubal liekd musik, an datz wher rok'n'rol caim frum.22 Zillah had a kitteh namd Tubalcain, or Toob fer short. He liekd makin stufs owt of metal, an datz wher cowbell cumz frum. O ya, he had a sista namd Naamah. Dont no wut she did, tho.
25 Anywai, Adam an his wief did sumfin ull lurn abowt wen yur oldr. She had a kitteh namd Seth. She sed, "Itz a boi!! Thanx Ceiling Cat, u givz me anothr kitteh insted of Abel, cuz Cain... cuz Cain..." She cuddnt finish hur sentnce tho, an startd bawlin.26 Seth had a kitteh namd Enos. Den kittehs startd to say hai to Ceiling Cat moar often n stuff.
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