Genesis 4

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Old Testament
Cain an Abel

1 So Adam an Eve did sumfin dat ull lurn abowt wen yur oldr. Latr, Eve had a kitteh naymd Cain. She sed, "OMG Ceiling Cat givez me a boi!!!!".2 Latr, Eve has nothr kitteh naymd Abel, but dunno wat she sed aftr dat. Wen Cain an Abel gotz big, Abel tuk caer of teh shepe an Cain wuz a farmr leik his daddy.3 An aftr awhiel Cain gaev sum of teh froots for offerin to Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins.4 An Abel tuk sum yummy moocow fat, an he made teh 1st cheezburger, an gaev it to Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat thot it wuz AWSUM an sed, "U go Abel!"5 But Cainz offerin he no liekd. Ceiling Cat sed, "DO NOT WANT! Epic fail!!1!one!" So Cain got teh angries.

6 Ceiling Cat sed to Cain, "Hay! Wuts wit da tood? An y iz u all liek sad an stuf?7 If u doez gud stuf, u wil has a happee. But if u doez bad stuf, sin wants in: it wants to has you, but u hafta maik it go awai. Kthxbye."

8 An Cain told Abel his bruda wut happnd. An wun dai wen dey wuz in teh bakyard, Cain got all up in Abelz face, an totlly pwnd him.

9 Ceiling Cat sed "Cain, ware iz mah Abel???" Cain sed, "Ai dunno. Ai iz not kitteh-sitter."

10 An Ceiling Cat was liek, "O RLY? Ur ded bruda iz mewin frum undr teh carpt. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt heerin an stuf)11 K so nao cursd r u fum teh carpt, whichz opend its mouth to receiv ur bruda's harbls frum ur hand;12 When yous plowen teh urf, it gonna b hard n stuffz; fugitiev n wanderr youz bees in da urf. An its gonna sux cuz therz no farmwrkr yoonyun yet."

13 An Cain sed to Ceiling Cat "Tihs sux.14 U ban me from teh urf an killz me an i haz no iteh bitteh kitteh committeh, an i'm dumd wit evrywun, even n00bs will pwnz meh!"

15 An Ceiling Cat said "Ok den, aniwun dat pwns u, dey wil get pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd and pwnd." An Ceiling Cat makz speshul tatoo for Cain, so nobudy findin him wud pwn him. Dat's wun humdingr uv a tatoo.16 An Cain rode on hiz invisibul biek awai frum Ceiling Cat. He gotz teh mornin sunbaff befor teh kittehs in Eden, cuz he catnappd in Nod.

17 So aftr Cain and hiz gurl did sumfin ull lurn abowt wen ur oldr, his gurl had a kitteh namd Enoch. He maks a city calld Enoch tu, cuz he finks Enoch rulz.18 Enoch had a kitteh namd Irad, whu had a kitteh namd Mehujael, whu had a kitteh namd Methusael, whu had a kitteh namd Lamech. Not all at teh saym tiem, tho.

19 An Lamech took unto him two wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh one wuz adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah.20 An adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all.21 An his brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels).22 An zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah.

23 An lamech said unto his wivez,

"adah An zillah, hear mah voice;
u wivez ov lamech, listenz unto mah speechs.
for i has pwn3d sum d00d for woundin me,
sum kitteh for bruisin me:

24 If cain shall b avengd 9000x,

truly lamech 90009000x."

25 An adam knew his wife again; An she is has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnd him.26 An 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 say hai to Celing Cat moar often n stuff.

Genesis 4
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