Genesis 4

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Old Testament
Genesis 4:1

1 & teh man told his wife "We gun have kidz" & eve his wife said "PENIS GOES WHERE?" Aftur teh explanashun adam "knews" eve his wife; & she is has teh kid cain, & said, i has gotten man wif teh halp ov Ceiling Cat, but he kinda mean 4 makin' it hert so bad.

2 & again she is has his brothr abel. & abel wuz keepr ov teh moocows, but cain wuz farmr cuz he was part mexican.

3 & after awhile cain brought sum ov teh froots ov teh ground 4 an offerin unto Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins.

4 & abel, he also brought teh first froots ov his moo cows (but froots dosent grow on moocows, so must b sum kind of mirakel), & ov teh fat of em cuz teh moo cows are on Atkins. & he made teh 1st cheezburger & gaev it 2 Ceiling Cat. & Abel gaev to Ceiling Cat his Pokemans. & Ceiling Cat liekd abel & his fudz & his pokemans

5 But cain & 2 his offerin he had no liekd. & Ceiling Cat sed, do not want. cuz u didnt makez cookies out ov it, & besiedz u didnt bringz me any catnipz. & cain wuz mad, & got all liek sad & stuff.

6 & Ceiling Cat said unto cain, y is u be so pissed off? & y iz u all liek sad & stuff?

7 If u do gud, isn't it gun go up? & if u doest not well, sin coucheth at teh door: & unto u shall b its desire, but do thou rule ovar it. (i dont undrstanz this part either. they just use to talk all wierd & stuf liek that.)

8 & cain told abel his brothr wot happnd. & 1 day when they were out in da field, cain got all up in abels face, & totally pwnzd him.

9 & Ceiling Cat said cain, where iz abel? & cain sed, i dono: xqz me i iz not babysitr.

10 & he said, wat u do? teh voice ov thy brothr's blood crieth unto me fum teh ground. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt hearing & stuf.)

11 & nao cursd art thou fum teh ground, which hath opend its mouth 2 receiv thy brothr's blood fum thy hand;

12 When thou tillest teh ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee its strength; fugitiv & wanderr shalt thou b in da earth. & its gonna sux cuz therz no united farmwrkr union yet.

13 & cain said unto Ceiling Cat, meh punishment iz greatr than i can bear.

14 Behold, thou hast driven me out dis dai fum teh face ov teh ground; & fum thy face shall i b hid; & i shall b fugitiv & wanderr in da earth; an' it will come 2 pas, dat whosoevr findeth me will pwnz me.

15 & Ceiling Cat said unto him, therefore whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him 7x. & Ceiling Cat appointd sign 4 cain, lest any findin him should pwnz him.

16 & cain went out fum teh presence ov Ceiling Cat, & dwelt in da land ov nod, on teh east ov eden.

17 & cain knew his wife (but ther waznt any grrrlz yet xcept his mom, so must b sum othr kind of mirakel but Ceiling Cat is totally 1337 wen it comez 2 mirakels liek makin more grrrlz); & she is has teh kid enoch: & cain buildd city, & calld teh name ov teh city, aftr teh name ov his son, enoch.

18 & unto enoch wuz born irad: & irad is has teh kid mehujael: & mehujael is has teh kid methushael; & methushael is has teh kid lamech.

19 & lamech took unto him 2 wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh 1 wuz adah, & teh name ov teh othr zillah.

20 & adah is has teh kid jabal: & he & his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows & sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all.

21 & his brothr's name wuz jubal: & he & his kidz maded all the tunez & stuff & invented the ipod.

22 & zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, & he & his kidz maded all teh knifes & swordz & razrbladez & other sharp metal stuf: & teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah.

23 & lamech said unto his wivez: adah & zillah, hear meh voice; ye wivez ov lamech, hearken unto meh speech: 4 i has pwn3d sum d00d 4 woundin me, & sum young d00d 4 bruisin me:

24 If cain shall b avengd 7x, truly lamech 77x.

25 & adam knew his wife again; & she is has teh son, & calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnzd him.

26 & 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; & he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 call upon teh name ov Ceiling Cat.

Genesis 4
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