From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Cain an Abel
1 So Adam an Eve did sumfin dat ull lurn abowt wen yur oldr. Latr, Eve had a kitteh naymd Cain. She sed, "OMG Ceiling Cat givez me a boi!!!!".2 Latr, Eve has nothr kitteh naymd Abel, but dunno wat she sed aftr dat. Wen Cain an Abel gotz big, Abel tuk caer of teh shepe an Cain wuz a farmr leik his daddy.3 An aftr awhiel Cain gaev sum of teh froots for offerin to Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins.4 An Abel tuk sum yummy moocow fat, an he made teh 1st cheezburger, an gaev it to Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat thot it wuz AWSUM an sed, "U go Abel!"5 But Cainz offerin he no liekd. Ceiling Cat sed, "Me not want. Epic fail." So Cain got teh angries.
6 Ceiling Cat sed to Cain, "Hay! Wuts wit da tood? An y iz u all liek sad an stuf?7 If u doez gud stuf, u wil has a happee. But if u doez bad stuf, sin wants in: it wants to has you, but u hafta maik it go awai. Kthxbye."
8 An Cain told Abel his bruda wut happnd. An wun dai wen dey wuz in teh bakyard, Cain got all up in Abelz face, an totlly pwnd him.
9 Ceiling Cat sed "Cain, ware iz mah Abel???" Cain sed, "Ai dunno. Ai iz not kitteh-sitter."
10 An Ceiling Cat was liek, "O RLY? Ur ded bruda iz mewin frum undr teh carpt. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt heerin an stuf)11 K so nao cursd r u fum teh carpt, whichz opend its mouth to receiv ur bruda's harbls frum ur hand;12 When yous plowen teh urf, it gonna b hard n stuffz; fugitiev n wanderr youz bees in da urf. An its gonna sux cuz therz no farmwrkr yoonyun yet."
15 An Ceiling Cat said "Whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him OVER 9000x." An Ceiling Cat makz sign for cain, so iz nobodys findin him shud pwnz him.16 An cain rode away on hiz invisible bicycle away frum Ceiling Cat, An dwelt in da land ov nod, to da rite ov eden.
17 An cain knew his wife (cuz Adam n Eve haz lotsa dottaz hu sonz cans marry but I didnt tell u yets); An she is has teh kid enoch: An cain builded city, An callded teh name ov teh city enoch 2 cuz he think enoch rulz.18 An xunto enoch wuz born irad: An irad is has teh kid mehujael: An mehujael is has teh kid methushael; An methushael is has teh kid lamech. Not all at saym taim, tho.
19 An lamech took unto him two wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh one wuz adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah.20 An adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all.21 An his brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels).22 An zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah.
23 An lamech said unto his wivez,
- "adah An zillah, hear mah voice;
- u wivez ov lamech, listenz unto mah speechs.
- for i has pwn3d sum d00d for woundin me,
- sum kitteh for bruisin me:
24 If cain shall b avengd 7x,
- truly lamech 77x."
25 An adam knew his wife again; An she is has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnd him.26 An 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 say hai to Celing Cat moar often n stuff.
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