Genesis 35

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Old Testament

1 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Jacob "Get up n get up, goez 2 Bethel and stay! Staaaay! n buildz cathouse 2 da Ceiling Cat whut u seened when u wuz runnin skairt frum ur brudder Esau."2 So Jacob sez 2 his fambly n all his peeps, "Get rid o dem alien kittehs n take a baf, n change ur threadz.3 "We'z goin 2 Bethel n I will build cathouse dere to da Ceiling Cat whut answered me when I wuz skairt n stalks me wherever I goez."4 Jacobz fambly n peeps gives up all dem fake kittehz like Morris n Tony da Tiger n Garfield n all da earringz n Jacob digz big hoel near Shechem n buriez it like kitteh buryen p00p in sandbox.5 As dey went Ceiling Cat hissed and yowled and waved his big scary claws at da peeps all round so dey didn't chase Jacob's boy-kittehs.

6 N Jacob went 2 Luz, not lulz, but Bethel, in da sandbox uf Canaan, he n all da peeps wit him.7 He buildeded a cathouse n named da place El-Bethel, cuz it wuz dere Ceiling Cat revealed Himself to him when he run skairt frum his brudder.

8 Deborah, Rebekah's nurse-kitteh, got pwned by bein old, n dey burreed her under an oak beeloo Bethel; so it wuz named Allon-bacuth dat means 'oak of da weeping."

9 Ceiling Cat say Oh Hai to Jacob again when he gotz dere from Paddan-aram n says U CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER.10 Celing Cat sez 2 him, "Yo, Jacob, Get rid o' dat handle cuz now u b Israel, d00d!" So he name be Israel.

11 n Ceiling Cat sez to him "I am Ceiling Cat Do PENIS GO WHERE? n ploop babee kittehs A nation -- no! The United Nationz lolz shall be ur kittehs Bigshots shall cum out of ur DNA12 Da sandbox I gif 2 Abraham n Isaac I make urs n 2 ur babee kittehs will I make it derez 2."

13 Ceiling Cat left him dere14 n Jacob setz up pillar dere, a pillar uf rock n he offered Ceiling Cat cream n poured oil on it.15 Jacob gave dis site where Ceiling Cat spokened 2 him da name Bethel.

16 K so dey leaves Bethel: but Rachel was preggerz n when dey were still way from Ephrath, she started ploopin out kitteh, n OMG IT HURT!!11!11!17 N when it hurtz wurst midwife sez "O hai anudder boy kitteh 4 u don be skairt!"18 But the labor pwned her, n when she had deth rattle she called da baby boy kitteh Ben-oni, but her Jacob called him Benjamin.19 Den she wuz pwned. She gotz burrieed on da road 2 Ephrath whut dey now callz Bethlehem.20 Over her grave Jacob puts nuther stone pillar n itz still dere.21 Israel leevz her dere n goez on 2 Migdal-eder.

22 N while Israel's dere boy-kitteh Reuben goez and does PENIS GO WHERE? with Bilhah, Izzy's girlfriend on da side, n Izzy found out. K now Jacob can has 12 boy-kittehs.

23 Da sons uf Leah: Reuben -- Jacob's first kitteh -- Simon, Levi, Judah, Issachar n Zebulun.24 Da sonz uf Rachel: Joseph n Benjamin.25 Da sonz uf Bilhah, Rachel's maid: Dan n Naphtali.26 And da sonz uf Zilpah, Leah's mad: Gad n Asher. K don' 4get dese r Jacob's sons born in Paddam-aram.

27 N Jacob came 2 his daddy Isaac at Mamre, at Kiriath-arba -- now Hebron -- where Abraham n Isaac had a crib.28 Isaac wuz like 18029 when he got pwned. He wuz burreed by his sons Esau n Jacob.

Genesis 35
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