Genesis 32

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Old Testament
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Jacob getz readies to meat Esau

1 Jacob GTFO an kitteh meat hims.2 When Jacob sawed thems he sez "I found Ceiling Cats litterboz!1!!", so he calleded that where he was at Mahanaim (n he no can has steamroller).

3 Jacob sended sum buds ahead to meat hiz brudder Essau in Seir country of Edom.4 he sez "Tell him I wuz wit Laban,5 n I gots donkies n moocows n sheepz n goatz n serventz n cookiez n stuff. I tellin U this so U leik me."

6 when hiz budz come back they sez "Yo, Hees a commin wit leik 400 d00ds"

7 Jacob wet hiz pantz n split hiz peoplez n stuff into 2 groups (even teh animules n stuffs).8 He thinkz "If Essau n hiz GI Joes eated 1 group, the udder may not be eated".

9 Tehn Jacob prayed "O Ceiling Cat dadda 'O Abraham n Isaac, O Ceiling Cat you tolded me to GTFO to my relatives n I will maek U rich n lotsa PENIS GOES WHERE?.10 TNX, but I don't deserve it, I just has a few d00ds when I leaved, but now I has 2 groups.11 Pweese don't let Essau eated me an teh wimmens n childrenz.12 Cause U sed 'I be makin U rich n lotsa kidlets'"

13 He sleeped there, maded a gift for hiz brudder Essau:14 200 gurl goatz w/ 20 boy goatz, 200 gurl sheepz w/ 20 boy sheepz15 30 gurl camules w/ babiez, 40 gurl moocows w/ 10 boy moos, 20 grul donkiez n 10 boi donkiez.16 He gived the to hiz d00ds n sed "U go ferst, n spreadem out.

17 He tolded the 1st d00d, "Whun U sees Essau n he sez WTF?,18 U say Jacob giveh U dis, he be in teh back"

19 He tolded all the udder d00ds to sey the same thing.20 and tolded them to sey "Jacob be commin behind us", he wuz hopin Essau would not run out of happy and eated him.21 So teh gifts went away n Jacob stayed home.

Jacob Wrestles With Ceiling Cat

22 when it gots darks, he tookd hiz 2 wifes n 2 maidserventz n 11 boyz n crossed ovar the ford o Jabbok (girl wuz on her own).23 After theys was ovar, he sended all his base n stuff24 So he wus alone n fighted wif a cat,25 when the cat saw he could not win he eated Jacob's hip.26 the teh Cat sed "Lemme go, it be light"

But Jacob sed "Nana, gimmeh cheezburgerz"

27 Then teh Cat sez "WRU?"

"Jacob he sez"


28 the Cat sez "U no longer Jacob but I names U Israel cause U wins in fights wif Ceiling Cat and peeplez n ovarcome.

29 Jacob sez "WRU?"

Cat sez "STFU." n gived him cheezburgerz


30 So Jacob calleded the palce Peniel cause he sed "I saw Ceiling Cat but he did not eated me".

31 he wus gimpin whun he pass Peniel 'cause hiz hip was eated.32 That's why Israelites no can eated teh tendon stuck to teh socket o teh hip, cause Ceiling Cat eated Jacob's hip nearz the tendon.

Genesis 32
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