Genesis 31

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Old Testament
Jacob leaves Laban

1 So den Jacob herd Labans' boyz sayin "D00d, you R teh suk, rippin off all hiz cheeseburgers an stuf. Lame."2 An Jacob lookeded at Laban an saw he wuz sum pissed. 3 so den Ceiling Cat sez "D00d, run away run away! Git bak wif yer fambly an I meechu there soon, kbai."4 Jacob called hiz wimmin, sayin "YO!!5 Yer dad leik totally iz hatin on me, srsly! Ceiling Cat lurves me, but yer dad is awl Rawr Rawr Rawr.

6 I wuz rly kewl witchor dad, tho, membr?7 but now he is teh suk! Hrdcor! Totally ripped me off! Tuk my bling! 8 Laban wood say, 'Ohes, U can has all teh spottsy moos', knowin all moos was stripey, or 'Noes, u can has all teh stripey moos', and all the moos wuz spottsy. Taht's WEAK.9 So den Ceiling Cat tookeded AWL his moos and gives em 2 me. 10 But teh bestestet part is taht wen the moos did PENIS GOES WHERE?!, all dem moos wuz spottsy and stripey. I mean, I dreameded taht part, but it's joost leik it's troo."

11 "an den dis 1 time, I wuz dreamin taht teh Ceiling Cat yelled at me, sayin "D00d!" an I wuz all leik "WUT??" 12 an teh Ceiling Cat says 'D00d, check it! awl dem moos is spottsy and stripey, caws I haz totally seen wut taht hatr did 2 u.13 so now uz gotz to make liek a tree an leave.' 14 an Jacobs' wimmin (Rachel an Leah, member? KK, jus chekin) wuz liek, 'D00d, wut aboot us? Were's our bling?15 Our dad srsly disowned us, episode of Jerry Springer, an spended awl teh lewt16 So evertin Ceiling Cat tookeded is totally ours now, findrs keeprs, no gives backs."

Flight of the Jacob

17 So den Jacob gets hiz fambly on camels18 an takes awl teh lewt19 an Rachel had nicked her dads lewt too, jus caws.20 an Jacob took off liek a ninja21 wit awl hiz stufs goin to Gilead.

22 it wuz liek 3 daiz b4 Laban wuz told23 an wen he fund out, he an hiz posse cot up wit Jacob.24 But taht nite Ceiling Cat sez to Laban, 'D00d, DO NOT WANT u 2 talk 2 Jacob. Not nothin. Kthbai.'

25 An Laban wen an parked his Winnebago rite besidez Jacobs', takin awl teh good shade an everytin.26 Laban sez 2 Jacob, "Yo! WTF?27 Y u run, Dawg? We coulda hadda pawty!28 U wont let me see mi kidz!29 I cood totally lai teh smackdown on U, srsly - but ur Ceiling Cat sez to me, D00d, stay way frm Jacob, no talkie talkie.30 AN!! u stole awl my l00t! So, liek I sez - WTF?"

31 Jacob sed, "Oh I wuz SOOOOOO scared!32 but u look, an if u find ur lewt, go hed an kill taht stealer."33 So Laban wen an totally serched everwere, in Jacob's tent an Leah's tent an teh servant's tent.34 but Rachel wuz 1 sneaky dame, an hid teh lewt an sat on it.35 an wen Laban showed up, she wuz all, "D00d, iz Taht Time of Teh Month, piss off."

36 an then Jacob got mad, sayin "C?? WTF is ur problm? y u chase me? U R L4mz0r!37 U rifled thru awl my stufs, an foun nada!38 I bin wif u fer 20 yeers!39 I nver ripped u off!40 I wuz sufferin teh hole time! Nver complain! Give give give, taht's all I do!41 I servd 14 yeers fer teh grrls, an then 6 yeers fer teh moos - an u fuxxed wit my paychek 10 times!42 An TAHT iz y Ceiling Cat dun gotz hiz nite vision goggles on u!"

The covenant between Jacob and Laban

43 An den Laban backs down, not near so tuff az he thot he wuz.44 An Laban sez to Jacob, "Otay, lets make nice."45 Jacob gotz a stone an putz it jus so.46 an den he sez, "ever bodi getz stonez!" (jus liek taht Bob Dylan song, cept Bob wasn' singin then.) an they putted all teh stonez togethr.47 Laban calld it Jegarsahadutha (pth pth, liek hevin cat hare in ur mouf), but Jacob cuden say taht wurd, so he calld it Galeed.

48 An Laban sed 'Theese stonez is a witniss between uz,' (so knot jus heep uv stonez, hoo new?)49 Taht Ceiling Cat wuz watchin ovr us50 but if U treet my dotters bad, LOOK OUT! an no moar wives.' An Jacob wuz liek, 'one iz bad, two iz wurse, DO NOT WANT moar.'51 Laban sez "C theese rox?52 U stai on ur side an I stai on my side, KK?'53 so Jacob swore (not notty wurds, but liek promis) he wood stai on hiz side.54 An Jacob gotz gud grub and ever body go Nom Nom Nom55 In teh mornin, Laban kissie hiz dotters bye bye an wen bak were he come from. Gud riddans.

Genesis 31
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