Genesis 2

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Old Testament
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Ceiling Cat iz waching yu... dont du sumting rong!

1 An teh skyz an teh Urth were finishd, an all teh stufz in dem an Ceiling Cat was liek all tired an stuff. 2 An on teh 7th day Ceiling Cat got done makingks all dat stuf; an he restd on teh 7th day cuz he was pooped fum all dat wrking an not liek havng imself ulone. An he not get payd ovrtym either.3 Ceiling Cat blesd teh 7th day, an sed itz teh h0liez0rz; cuz dats when he restd fum all his werk which Ceiling Cat had creatd an made. Yay holy Caturday!

Adam An Eve

4 Iz how teh skyz an Urfs were made, wen Ceiling Cat pwnt.

5 Urfs no can has plantz n treez n catnipz yet, cuz Ceiling Cat no can maek rainz, but iz ok for kittehs DUNT LYKEZ wetfurz. An ther wuznt ne man to mek farmz an stuff; cuz teh clouds were all happie an didnt feel like cryin, wich wuz ok to cuz umbrellaz wuznt inventd yet.

Ceiling cat makes rain, but decides it was a bad idea.

6 But teh fogz caem in liek in Frisco an waterd teh ground so teh plantz wud be ok wen Ceiling Cat madez dem.7 An Ceiling Cat madez man out ov teh flore dust, an breathd into his nawstrils teh bref ov lyff, wich was sorta liek doin cpr on a mudpie, but it was kool d00d man (v.0.8β) so it wuz all gud.

8 An Ceiling Cat plantz garden eastwad, in eden; an ther he put teh man he madez. (i dono how he figurd out it wuz east, cuz ther wuznt any cumpasez yet an no mapz ither.)9 An Ceiling Cat madez evry tree dat iz prity, an gud fur fud; teh tree ov life wuz in teh garden to, an teh tree ov teh knowledge ov gud an evil. man asked Ceiling Cat to makez a cookie tree, an Ceiling Cat made it. but he eated it. (no 1 had thot of cheezburger tree yet.)

10 An a big rivr went out ov eden to watr teh garden; an then it splitzd up into 4 rivrz wth srsly wierd names.11 Teh name ov teh 1th iz pishon (did u sneez? bless u! ): dat one runz around teh whole land ov havilah wich haz a lot ov gold cheezburgerz;12 An teh gold cheezbugerz ov dat land iz gud (but u cant eatz it): ther iz bdellium an teh onyx stone. (but u cant eatz dat either. An wut teh heck is bdellium?)13 An teh name ov teh 2th rivr iz gihon: dat one runz around teh whole land ov cush wich is vry comfy place.14 An teh name ov teh 3th rivr iz hiddekel: dat one runz in frunt ov asyria. An teh 4th rivr iz teh euphratez (where teh ppl acused eech oter ov "yu afraed ov tese?".)

15 An Ceiling Cat took teh man, an put him into teh garden ov eden to takez care of it cuz Ceiling Cat wuz still pooped and wantedz another day off.16 An Ceiling Cat sed to teh man, ov evury tree in teh gardin iz ok u eatz:17 But of teh tree of teh knowledge of gud an evil, you not eatz cuz wen u eatz taht tree i fur sure mek u ded. srsly.

18 An Ceiling Cat said, teh man is alone an dat iz bad; he needz frendz so i will maek him a good help fo him. (i iz good at stuff liek that. srsly. An it will keepz him outta trubble.)

19 An out of teh ground Ceiling Cat madez all teh aminals on teh urf an in teh see, an all teh birds up in sky (an sum liek ostridges who cudnt flyz, just fur fun). (Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud pies. srsly.) An brought them unto teh man to c what he would call them: an what teh man called every living aminal, dat was its naim. (if they didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif it.)

20 An teh man gave names to all teh aminals, an to teh burdies of sky (an to teh onez who cudnt flyz) an teh aminals in teh see, (so they wudnt feel left out), an to every aminal in teh field; but for man wuznt no good helper fo him, not even anyonez to talk to in chatroom.21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fall upon teh man, an he slept; an he took one of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. 22 An Ceiling Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man but wifout long hare. Have fun, kthxbai. 23 Teh man saiz,

"Dese bonez is my bonez
an dis meatz are my meatz;
I calz her "whoa man", k
cuz she in ur chest taken ur ribs. Srsly"

24 So man muv out da basement an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you.

an da manz sez orly
da womenz sez ya rly

25 and teh man and teh woman weared invisible close!

Audio Version (courtesy LOLCheshirecat)

Genesis 2
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