Ezekiel 5

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Old Testament
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Not to maek Ceiling Cat pissed off. Evah.

Teh ceiling cat, he sez 1 "Kitteh ov kitteh, taek vbig katana sord an u shaves ur hed. Den u taek scalez an wey out allof ur hares an puttem in pilez. 2 When ur seej iz finish, go in to sitty an set fier to won furd ov teh hare der. Taek anuvver furd an wak it wiv teh katana sord all ovah teh sitty. Frow rest in teh air. I will chase it wiv mah sord! 3 But saev a few hares - puttem in ur pokkit (mebby i shud hav sed dat furst - oops, my bad!) 4 K, den taek few ov dose saved hares an frow em on teh fier. Ana fier will spred 2 teh hole ov Izrale's haus."


5 "Now, lissen up, dis iz teh sovrin ceiling cat talkin, pai attenshun: Dis is Jerusalem, der sitty in teh middul of Urf. Not middel-urf - dat iz full ov hobbitz. 6 Norty Jerusalem, iz sitty dat putz it paws ova its eerz an go 'La la la, I cants heer u!' Jerusalem no do wot ceiling cat want."


7 "So, dis iz wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sez: U R bad sitty! No lissen to ceiling cat an werse dan all naybor sittys!!"


Teh Ceiling Cat to gets fizzy-kal.

8 "Rite, dis iz wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sez: Teh ceiling cat am lay der smackdown on Jerusalem an let evvrbody wotch! 9 Coz u got sum collectabull figgurz ov uvva godz (get full set in fiftee-too weakly partz wiv free magazeen) I iz goin to get ruff, get fizzy-kal - big tiem!! An I use lotz ov exlamation pointz!!! I iz 1 angri ceiling cat! Nevah be dis punish aggen! 10 I maek der kittehs eatz der parentz an der parentz to eated der kittehz (Not shur if dey taek turn or all eated eech uvva at saem tiem - werkowt deetails L8R) NE1 left I will chase off all ovah teh plaice."


11 "U maek der tempel all dirty. Putcha nasti fake godz all ovah plaice, maek tempel look untidee. U have pissed me off. I no liek U, no help U juss a shor az I exists!" sez teh ceiling cat. 12 "1 furd will dye ov sick or no eated, 1 furd wull get choppity chop by sordz and lass furd will get chase of all ovah teh plaice wiv me wayvin sord behine dem."


13 "Den I carm down, haff a nap an bee all sun shine an smilez aggen. Effry body noez wen teh ceiling kix ass!"


14 "I maek sitty crumbly ruin 4 all 2C. 15 All nayshuns will teez u but dey will no dat I iz been seriuss! I iz teh ceiling cat 16 I will maek U hunga, maek hunga werse an den maek food all gone. 17 I will maek hunga, send beesties to bite u an kill ur kittehs. Sickness an deff will be wiv u an I will be liek "I am in ur sitty - waivin' mah sord, killin u". Coz I iz teh ceiling cat, so dere!"

Ezekiel 5
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