Ezekiel 34

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Old Testament
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Shepperdz n Shepz

1 Teh werd ov teh Ceiling Cat came 2 me:2 O hai son ov man! profesy gainst teh sheprdz ov Israel, profeci an say 2 them: dis ar teh wut teh sovrin lord sez: Woah to teh sheprdz ov Israel hoo only givz cheezburgrz 2 demselvz! Shudn't teh sheprdz givez cheezburgrz 2 all kittehs, srsly?3 U eet teh cookiez an ware teh c00l thredz an mek cheezburgrz outta teh bestest burgrz but U not care 4 da kittehs.4 U not mek teh n00bz bettr an u not heeld teh sikk n00bz an u not guidez teh n00bz an u not fnded teh lsot n00bz.5 So teh n00bz wuz scattrd coz dey had no sheprd an wen dey wuz scattrd dey bcame cheezburgrz 4 all dem othr stufs6 Mah kittehs wunderd ovr all teh mowntans an on teh rlly big hillz. Dey wuz scattrd ovr teh urfs an no d00dz fnded dem, srsly.7 An so u shep d00dz heer teh mesage ov Ceiling Cat:8 As surely as i liv, declarez teh Sovrin lord, bcoz mah peepz got no sheprdz an so becum cheezburgrz 4 all dem othr stufs, an bcoz mah shprdz not surch 4 mah peepz but eeted cheezburgrz 4 demselvz (ah hope dey did NOT eetz mah peepz!) but mah peepz no can haz cheezburgrz9 an so u sheprd d00dz heer teh wurd ov teh lord:10 Dis iz wut Ceiling Cat sez: I be gainst teh sheprdz an wil maek dem responsibul 4 mah kittehs. I wil stop dem frm lukkin aftur mah peepz so teh shprdz can eet no longr, srsly. I be rscuin mah peepz frm dere mowves (DEY DID EETZ MAH PEEPZ! CURSE DEM SHEPRDZ!) an dey no can haz mah kittehs 4 cheezburgrz no more kthnx.11 An for dis is wut teh Sovrin lord sez: I mahself wil surch 4 mah sheepz an luuk after dem.12 As a shepperd carez 4 his peepz wen he iz with dem so wil I luk aftur mah kittehs, srsly. Ah b reskewin dem frum weere dey wuz scatterd onna dark n clowdy dai.13 Ah wil bring dem owt frm teh nashuns an kuntrees n I be bringgin tehm in2 dere own lnad, srsly. Ah wil giv dem teh sunni spots on teh mowntans ov Israel, in teh raveens n in evrywear.14 I wil giv dem fluffi cusshuns n teh hi mowntans ov Israel wil be dere kumfy spots. Dey cn slepe dere in sunni spots n dey can has cheezburgrz on teh mowntainz ov Israel, srsly.15 Ah maiself wil cair 4 mah shepz an let dem rest, declarez teh sovrain lord.16 I wil surch 4 teh lost n00bs n leed dem back, srsly. I wil heel teh sikk n00bz an giv strngth 2 da week n00bz, but teh slick n strowng ah will pwn. Ah wil shepprd mah peepz wid justice, srsly.

17 As 4 u, mah peepz, check wut teh sovrin lord sez: I wil judg tween wun sheepz an anuther, an tween ramz an goatz.18 Iznit enuf you can has cheezburgrz? Wai muzt u smush crums in2 teh udder cheezbrgrz? Iznit enuf you can has milk? Wai 4 you mess it wiv ur paws?19 Muzt mah kittehs eet smushed cheezburgrz n drink teh milk u messd wiv ur paws? Srsly?

20 An so dis ar whut teh Soverin lord sez to dem: Srsly, I wil judg tween teh leen shepp n teh fatti.21 Cuz u shuv wid yo butt n yo shlderz an u pwn teh n00bs til u maik em run awai,22 I wil sav mah peepz n tehy wil b saif, srsly. I wil judg tween wun sheepz an anuther.23 I wil maik wun sheeprd, mai d00d Davd, n he wil cair 4 dem; he wil luk aftr tehm n b dere sheprd, srsly.24 I ar Ceiling Cat n wil b dere top cat n mah d00d Davd wll b relly cool cat amung tehm. I teh lawd haz sez dis stuf, srsly.

25 I wil maik a cuvernent o peace wid dem n rid teh land o wild beestz n stuff wid mah lazer eyes so dey cn liv in teh dessert an slepp in teh forrestz safley.26 Ai wil bles tehm an teh spotz arround mah hil. I wil sen dwn showwerz in seezn; dere wil b shwerz ov blesing, srsly.27 Teh treez o teh feeld wil yeeld froot n teh grownd will yeeld krops; teh peepz wil b kumfy in teh lannd. Dey wil noes I b teh Top Cat wen I brake dere yolk an rscue tehm frm dere captrs.28 Dey wil b plunderered noe lnger by teh nayshunz an aminal an stufz no can haz dem 4 b cheezburgrs. Tehy wil liv safley an noe d00dz wil mekkem skeerd.29 I wil maik 4 dem a land famus 4 itz cheezbrgrz an all kittehs cn has cheezbrgrz an noe kittehz wil bare teh skorn ov nayshunz.30 Tehn dey wil kno taht I, CEILING CAT (YARR!) and Top Cat, be wid tehm an dat tehy, da howse ov Israel, be mah peepz dclairz teh sovrin lrd.31 U mah shepp, teh sheepz ov mah feeldz, ur peepz an Ai be ur Top Cat, srsly, declrz Ceiling Cat."

Ezekiel 34
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