Ezekiel 16

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Old Testament
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Compaerin Jroosalem 2 slut
dun b mad at me plx lord

1 Agin Ceiling Catsez meow caem 2 me, meowlin:2 Bro, u maek Jroosalem b knowin her gheyness3 an tel dem, Ceiling Cat say dis 2 Jroosalem: u iz frum teh land of Canaan; ur daddeh wuz a Amorite and yo momma a Hittittite.4 On teh day u wuz born dey no cutted ur bellybuttin cord an dey didden warsh u (gud, u no liek teh watr). Dey not rub u wif salt liek yummy pork roast. Dey didden wrap u up wif cloffs. Srsly.5 Nobuddy pitied u or did thingsz fur u; but det trow u out into teh open feild, cuz dey haetd u.6 And wen i past by u and seed u strugglin in ur own blud, i sez to u Giddup! Yup i sez 2 u Getcha a$$ up! U livin!7 I maed u gro liek catnip plant; and u groo up an becaem verry bootiful. Ur boobiez got big (yeah!), ur fur groo, butt u wuz baer nakey.8 Wen i past by u agin and lukt at u, ur tiem wuz teh tiem of lurve; so I covrd up ur nuditude. Yup, i swore at u ... i mean i swore a oath to u ... an u becaem mine,” sez teh Ceiling Cat.9 Den i warshed u in watr (but u no liek teh watr); yup, i warshed off ur blud, an smeard oil on ur foerhed.10 I dresst u in cloez an put leathr sandalz on ur pawz - funneh lookin kitteh! i put linen an silk cloez on u.11 I put bling bling on u an a flea collr aroun ur nek.12 An I put ouchy body piercins on u, and a bootyful krown on ur hed.13 U wuz rockin teh goald an silvr bling, an ur cloez wuz maed uv fien linen, silk and embroyderd cloffs (but I sed dat already...I must haz oldtimers dizeez). u 8 caeks maed uv flowr, hunneh an oil. u wuz hawt stuff, and becaem a kween.14 Ur wuz werld faemus fur ur hawtness, cuz it wuz purrfect cuz uv wut i dun fur u, sez Ceiling Cat.

32 U slut! U no liek huzband, u liek teh othr d00dz!33 Othr hookrz r liek "no munneh no hunneh", but u giv munneh 2 all ur johnz, and dey comez to u fur secksy tiem. Srsly.34 Soez u not leik othr hookrz; johnz no luk fur u, u luk fur dem. U r opisit, cuz u payz dem, dey no payz u.35 Soez, u hookr, u b hearin Ceiling Catsez meow! 49 O hai, dis wuz teh nottyness of ur sisur Sodum: wuz to prowdful, an dey eeted til dey pyooked, an dey didun do nuffin, an she didun halp teh kittehs dat had no cheezburger eben tho dey had plentyuf cheezburger to gib. Doan mattur wai do, cuz ebrybuddy gonna go bak latur an sae dat it wuz cuz teh kittehs dere pooped raynbows. 59 OK so ceiling cat is liek "I watches you masturbate even tho u no givez cheezburger n stuffs. srsly.60 But what I does is I keeps promises and watches you masturbates. 4ever guyz. rly.61 But u sees ur sisters and I ROFL b/c u is worried. U is liek 'Oh no ceiling cat tells.' I no tell and dey still luvs u SO much.62 I tells u again I watches u masturbate. I r Ceiling Cat.63 I 4gives u, but u remembers u masturbates and be too ashamed to talks. Or haz cheezburger." Teh Ceiling Cat r haz talked.

Ezekiel 16
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