Deuteronomy 5

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Old Testament
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1 Moses sez to all teh lolcats: Dis is what teh Ceiling Cat sez

2 An he means what he sez 4 sure--

3 to all yez and not yer dadz cuz yer dadz is not here.

4 An Ceiling Cat sez it to u,

5 but I standz between u An Ceiling Cat cuz he gotz bad breath liek fire srsly lol. Ceiling Cat sez:

6 Oh hai, I be Ceiling Cat who taked u from Ejjipt where u be petz and now u be petz no moar.

7 I teh only Ceiling Cat An u kno it. I pwns u.

8 No makin statchoos

9 cuz statchoos r srsly bad shiznit and mebbe u like better than Ceiling Cat, and wen Ceiling Cat getz jellous he pwns 2 u and all ur kittehs 2 version 4; An no worshipin or bowin to statchoos srsly they is jus metal and stuffz and haz no catnipz 4 u.

10 but if u is gud An worships Ceiling Cat u can has cheezburgerz and cookiez n so ken all ur kittehs and their kittehs 2 version 1000.

11 Teh naem Ceiling Cat ROOT PASSWORD An if u messez with ROOT PASSWORD thatz bad srsly, k? An I will kno An all ur base belong to me.

12 An no workin on Caturday, k?

13 Weekdayz r 4 workin but not Caturday.

14 Caturday is day off 4 every 1!

15 Remember u wuz petz and had 2 work 4 ur masters but now u be petz no moar n don has to work no moar. So Caturday day 4 napz & baffin selfz wit tungz.

16 Honor ur momz An dadz or Ceiling Cat will pwn u & take away ur litter box and territoreh.

17 no killin n eatin other lolcats bcuz they be 2 stringy.

18 no PENIS GOES WHERE? unless wit ur mate. Rly. Or she fix u again only this time she taek penis 2.

19 no takin cheezburgers An cookies that blong 2 uvver lolcats

20 no lyin (not napz, n00b! U can taek teh napz). No lyin bout other lolcats.

21 no covetin anything belonging to other lolcats. No covetin his mate or his cheezburgers or kittehs or moocows or broadband cxn kthxbye. 22 Dis iz wut teh Ceiling Cat sez rilly loud 2 all yes on teh big scratchin post out of teh fire, teh clowd, & teh hole in teh ceiling; & he sez nuttin else. Then he writed em on 3 big rokks & givez em 2 me, but i eated wun. sry.

23 Wen u hearded teh voice from teh ceiling wif teh big scratchin post all pwnt with laz0rs, all de big catz come 2 me

24 & sez, Ceiling Cat pwns & is teh k00lness & talkz wit laz0r & fire. 2day we seez that d00dz can survive speakin wit Ceiling Cat even tho Ceiling Cat can pwn us.

25 But if we hearz any moar, Ceiling Cat will burn & eat us. omfg.

26 We r srsly skeered of teh Ceiling Cat.

27 U Moses, u go heer teh Ceiling Cat so he won't pwn us, mebbe he pwn u but not us bcuz we is skeered! Oh noes! U tell us wut he sez & we will heer & obey."

28 Ceiling Cat heared u & sez 2 me, "I heared teh d00dz & wut they sed wuz good.

can haz cheezburger through ceiling cat

29 Dey bettah be skeered uv me! I pwn! Srsly. & bcuz they skeered of me tehy will b gud & if tehy iz gud tehy & their kittehz can has cheezburgerz & cookiez lol.

30 Tell dem 2 go home

31 But u stay heer wif me so I giv u teh r00lz, r00lz, & moar r00lz & u teachez dem teh r00lz & u can has cheezburgerz & cookiez & territoreh 2.

Deuteronomy 5
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