Deuteronomy 20

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Old Testament
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Goin' 2 Worr

1 When yu trai to pwn evel kittehs An them has hummerz an tankz an nukez o mai, no has feer cuz Ceiling Cat, him goin to be thar.2 Rite b4 u goes to pwn teh evil kittehs, teh prees shos up n speex to ur crew.3 Teh prees will sez "Oh hai kittehs, u pwn evel kittehs 2day, k?? u cant has feer. no be skerd or freeks out like WTF?! OMG?! We iz awl ded meet!!!14 Cuz Ceiling Cat iz teh kitteh hoo goez wit yu to pwn teh evel kittehs. An him will gits yu awl thems cheezburgers. Srsly AWL teh cheezburgers."

5 Tehn teh offisirz sez to worr kittehs, "Oh hai kittehs, ne yu guyz maded a litrboks but no yus it yet?6 How bout cookies? Yu maded sum, but no eated tehm?7 Hoo haz gf an wunz to has her az wifey? Srsly, yu haz to leeve NOW cuz sum othr kitteh is bout to eated tehm cookies, yus teh litrboks an steel yur gf!!!!1!"

8 Awl teh kittehs stil wants to pwn teh evel kittehs so dey stayz. Tehn offisirz sez, "An ne kittehs r skerd, thinkin bout themz cookies? Yu kittehs go now so yu no has othr kittehs shakzin in dey bootz. No rly, leeve."

9 Aftr offisirz dun speekin to worr kittehs, dey pixs leeder kittehs to git othr kittehs redy fore teh battel.

10 Wehn yu showz up at citee to attaks, yu sez "Cookies?" If teh kittehs sez "We maded them an no eated them!" an invitz yu in to has them, tehn is awl gud. Dem kittehs wuld be yur slavez now an has cookies fore yu awl teh tiem.11 Is yu catz chill? Then get cheezburgers, slave.12 No cheezburgers for worr kittehs.13 When Ceiling Cat servs yuz victry, neutr dos worr kittehs.14 But pussycats, kittehs, and teh mookittehs, and all in teh city wil have dem milkshake drunk.


19 Wehn u gettin yo pwn on and dis siege iz supr cereal, no be peein on theyz catnip. Dose catnip beez yo future grind, don’t peez on it! Srsly.20 Duz catnip warriors molest yoos kittehs? But if deez catnips iz ca$hed, u can peez on itz fa sho.

Deuteronomy 20
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Numbers Joshua Deuteronomy 19 Deuteronomy 21



almost done! 10-15 When you come up against a city to attack it, call out, "Peace?" If they answer, "Yes, peace!" and open the city to you, then everyone found there will be conscripted as forced laborers and work for you. But if they don't settle for peace and insist on war, then go ahead and attack. God, your God, will give them to you. Kill all the men with your swords. But don't kill the women and children and animals. Everything inside the town you can take as plunder for you to use and eat—God, your God, gives it to you. This is the way you deal with the distant towns, the towns that don't belong to the nations at hand.

16-18 But with the towns of the people that God, your God, is giving you as an inheritance, it's different: don't leave anyone alive. Consign them to holy destruction: the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites(difrnt Jebus lolz), obeying the command of God, your God. This is so there won't be any of them left to teach you to practice the abominations that they engage in with their gods and you end up sinning against God, your God.

19-20 When you mount an attack on a town and the siege goes on a long time, don't start cutting down the trees, swinging your axes against them. Those trees are your future food; don't cut them down. Are trees soldiers who come against you with weapons? The exception can be those trees which don't produce food; you can chop them down and use the timbers to build siege engines against the town that is resisting you until it falls.

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