Deuteronomy 1

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Old Testament


Ceiling Cat sez GTFO Horeb

1 oh hai I is deutronomy and this is transcripshin of words mozes sed to ppl in the desert. k here they are:2 first I tells u it is 11 days to go from horeb to kadesh cuz of sum montins. 4 sum reson u shud no this. k, now start 4 real:

3 On november 1st, 40, mozes was transl8n 4 ceiling cat, cuz ceiling cat wuz tellin ppl what 2 do4 k wait i forgot 2 tell u, but this is after mozes killed some kings that were making him angry. k, no moar intrupshins:

5 k wait again, btw they were in a place calld moab (sry). neway, mozes was tellin a story to sum ppl about his advencher with them. mayb they were forgetful, cuz they were there too, even I was there sept i forget so u need to listn to mozes instid, here he is, take it away mozes:

6 K, so it starts off when ceiling cat says u guys r on this meowntin 4 too long7 so u can has jurnee and go a diffrint montin. Is called amorites. also u shud go to youfrates river. and even further. just gtfo the montin ffs.8 k so here is a map, and u shud be thankful cuz I am tellin u about ur land. Is yours. Is ur land becuz remember when ceiling cat said ur fathers cud hav this land, so u can has.

Bosscats R Namd

9 Remembur when dat happend? ya, i was lik teh only 1 doin any werk at teh tym.10 cept now ceilng cat was watchin u guyz do eech udder LOL so now dere is lots of u, so u can do teh werk11 oh ya and ceilng cat was like LOL u guyz shud do it even moar when u get off teh montin.12 i meen srsly i cant do all teh werk!13 So u bring me smart doodz and i make dem ur rulerz so dat u can has govermint, and i will sez whether it is good or not.

14 and u were all: kthx

15 i maid u a govermint wit ur smart doods.16 den i maid a supreem court and sez 2 be fare 2 everyone, not jus ur frends.17 k sew i sez 2 be gud at juging. an' dun be cowrds, ceiling cat will protict u becuz relly he is juging u or sumting. neway if it is 2 hard u can just tell me and i will judg it 4 u.18 so ya, remember dat tym i maid ur governmint? Dat was teh awesomez.

Spiez Go For Looksee

19 k so after i mad ur govermint then we went on the jurnee i was talkin about b4, cuz ceiling cat told us to. we went from horeb to kadesh (this is why i was talkin abut it b4, k so it tooks 11 days). it was prity scary. we went to mont kadesh. sry i forgot to say kadesh is in amorites. is same thing basicaly.20 neway, i was like, 'ok we're here, and ceiling cat is giving u ur land. Yours.'21 and i said 'ceiling cat says 'this is urs.' don't be scard.'

22 then u guys wer all 'ok so how r we going to go up the mowtin?' and like 'which cities can we ransack or whatever' and then u were all 'lets send out some guys to chek things out'

23 and i said is gud idea. so i got 12 of ur men fro ur tribs. k u guys proly remember this, but neway...24 so they went up in the hills and cheked out the eschol vally.25 they didnt find ne cities but they found sum frut and brot it back and said 'ceiling cat's idea was prety good chek it the frut we finded'

Ceiling Cat Iz Oppozd!

26 but then u guys were lazy and thought the montin was too big to clim, even tho i told u ceilng cat ordred u to go up.27 and then u wined about how ceiling cat was trying to kill and u said the ppl in the amorits are going to kill us, that was ceiling cats plan all along. and u sed egypt was way bettr.28 u said 'we cant go up, ther cities HUJE and they will kill us, speshilly becuz Anak ppl are ther.'

29 so I sed 'chill out and stop being pussies'30 and I told u 'ceiling cat is going to fight too, just like when he fighted with u in egypt, remember?'31 'and remember when on ur jurnee ceiling cat carried u guys down the montin ffs. i think he can handle this."

32 eksept u guys were all 'wait that didnt happen' and 'is he rly going to halp?' and u still didnt trust ceiling cat.33 ceiling cat even finded u places to camp and stuf, I meen srsly, dont u remember?

34 Ya, but i bet u remembr what happend next: Ceiling cat got pissed off is what happend next.35 he said "then no, u cant has land. Not Yours."36 and he added 'eksept for Caleb who did what i sed.'

37 and then he sed even I cant has the land.38 He tells me 'Joshua (is my assistant) can has land instead. Not yours.'39 Ceiling cat sed though that 'ur kids can has the land tho...40 ...but u guys need to gtfo. hows about u tak ur jurnee to the red sea and mak like a tree and leev.'

41 Then u guys all chanjd ur mind and were all 'oh shit!! ok we can has fight now, ceiling cat, we r sory, srsly.'

42 But ceiling cat was all 'is too late. i is not acceptin ur apologies. if u go fight now u will be pwned cuz i not fightin with u'

43 and then lol and behold, u went up neway like a bunch of noobs44 and then u were pwned just lik ceiling cat sed, and they chasd u off the montin (all the way from Seir to Hormah.)45 then u came back and u cried. and u were all 'ceiling cat why u no help us?' but ceiling cat was lik 'duh, i told u i was not going 2 help u' and put u on ignore.46 so u guys stayed in kadesh for awhile not doing anything rly... anyone else think is weird i am telling u what happen to urselves? neway, that's the end of chaptir one.

Deuteronomy 1
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