Acts 8

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New Testament

1 An' Sawl wuz der, givin' uproovl to hiz deth.


T3h Church, it Wuz Scattereded

An' on dat day inn Jerryslam, a purskewshun goed on in t3h church, an' all uv da kittehs 'cep fur da Possles wer sCATerd two Judy or Sammyra. 2 Sum nais catz madeded a berrial foar 5tephen, an' dey wer sadz, sayin' stiuffz liek "WAI DID YEW HAV TWO GOEZ?!?"3 But dose kitties, dey wer distracteded becawz Sawl stardeded two kyl da church! He putteded all da church-goen kitties in jael.

Filip, he Went Two Sammyra

4 Dose catz who got scaterd toald evrybodee dey met 'bout T3h Word. So Filip, he went two Sammyra and preechd der too.6 Win da udder kittehs frum Sammy sawd Filip doin CEILIN' CAT MAGIC! (but wuz not majik, wuz merukel, silee!) Dey pade atenshun two him.7 And dose catz wit EBUL! spearits in der heart, dey wer frede, but not befoar EBUL! spearits maded laod noies. And also, da cripplz and da parliddikz wer heeld.8 So der wuz graet joi in dat sidee.

Simon, He Wuz Soarcer

9 So dis cat naimd Simon, he livd in Sammyra foar long time. He wuz teh MAGIC!cat, but also wuz cawld Soarcer, bekuz is shorter den MAGIC!cat. But ineewais, he makeded da kitties uv Sammyra liek hiz trix, an' he cawld hizzelf Cool Cat,10 an' bofe rich an' pore kittehs gaev all der atenshun two him. Dey sed, "Dis gai iz liek Ceiling Cat!"11 An' dey folloed him bekuz he makeded shainee majikz.12 But win Filip got der, an' he spakeded about Ceilin' Cat an' Jeebus, an' all da catz gots likd-cleen, even t3h gurl-catz!13 Even Soarcer Simon beleevd an' wuz kleend in t3h watrz. An' he folloed Filip evrywer, an' he wuz amazd and razldazld bai all da merukels and sains he sawd.

14 When da Possles in Jerryslam herd dat Sammyra axeptd T3h Word, dey send Peter an John over dere.15 Dey praid two Ceiling Cat for da peepl two get HoverCat'd,16 bkuz dey wer naut HoverCat'd yet (dey wur only licked-kleen in da naim uv t3h Ceiling Cat).17 So Peter an John maded da Sammyra-catz get HoverCat'd.

18 An' Simon da Soarcer saw dat da kittiez got HoverCat'd when Peter an' John pokeded dem, and he had munee, so19 he sed, "If I givz u munee, wil u givz me dis power so I cn givz peepl t3h HoverCat two?"

20 An' Peter rplied, "U shudd dai wif ur money, bkuz u tinkz u can bai t3h Ceiling Cat's POWER!21 U ar naut a prt uv dis bkuz ur heart iz not right wiff t3h Ceiling Cat.22 Maybee u can unhurt Ceiling Cat's feelngz if yew pray an' say sry. Dat shudd make ur heart right.23 I can see insaid u, an' ur heart iz very biddr an' a priznr two S!N.

24 T3h Soarcer sed, "Plz pray foar me bkuz DO NOT WANT die wiff munee."

25 Wen Peter an' John wer dun in Sammyra, dey wint two Smaritan places two tell 'bout Ceiling Cat.

Filip an' teh Ethyopyun

26 Den a WingCat sed to Filip, "Go south tru da dezrt an' go two Gaza."27 So Filip, he meeted a nootrd Abyssinian kitteh, an da nootrd Abyssianin kitteh wuz in charj uv t3h muneez uv t3h Ethyopyun queen Candy. Da nootrd kitteh wuz goin' two Jerryslam two wurship t3h Ceiling Cat,28 an' on hiz wai hoem in hiz charryut he wuz raedin t3h bukk uv Isaiah da Profffit.29 Dat saem WingCat told Filip, "Go an' stai by dat charryut."

30 So Filip went two da charryut an' herd da gai reedin' Isaiah out loud (WTF?! hoo reeds outloud in charryuts?). An' Filip sed two da unuk, "Do yew get what yewr reeding?"

31 Da unuk sed, "Naut reely bkuz nobodee asplaynd it two me." Da nootrd kitteh letted Filip ried wif him in da charryut.

32 Da unuk wuz reedin' dis part: An he wuz leeded liek a shepe two da slodder, an' kinda like lamz doan't yell win gedding a haircut, he wuz quiet liek dat.

33 He wuz slodderd wiffout dignity, so nobudee tokks bout his kidz, bkuz iz not heer to heer it.

34 Da unuk wuz liek, "Iz he tokking bout hizzelf? Or summbudee elsz?35 An' Filip yewzd hiz skillz two start wiff dat part an den go on two asplayn all bout Jeebus.

36 Den laydr dey caem two sum wadder. Da unuk sed, "DO NOT WANT wadder, but wai naut get likd-cleen nao?37 Filip sed "If yew beleev bout Ceiling Cat, yew can do it." Da nootrd kitteh rplyed, "I buleev Jeebus iz t3h son of Ceiling Cat."38 Da nootrd kitteh tolded da charryut two stop. Den boaf Filip an da nootrd kitteh wented daon in da wadder and Filip likded-cleen da nootrd kitteh.39 Wen dey gotted up outta da wadder da Hover Cat grabded Filip up in da aer, an da nootrd kitteh was liek wtf? but gallopded awai purrin.40 Filip shoaed up at Azotuz an wented araond meowin bout Jeebus til he got ta Ceasaryuh.

Acts 8
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