Acts 7

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Stevan's speech to da Sanhedrin

1 Den teh high preest axed him, "Iz true?" (How cum PREEST kan gets HIGH?)

2 An Steevn sayded: "Yo bros and papas, peep dis. Teh Ceiling Cat appearded to owr old man Abrahamsammich wen he wuz in teh Messed-up Tamia, befor he mooved to Haran.3 'Leaf yur contry an pplz an stufs,' Ceiling Cat sed, 'an go over heer.'

4 "So he hopped teh nex trane to Haran. Afta hiz pops wer made ded, Ceiling Cat sended him to dis plase we at rite now.5 He didnt gave Abrahamsammich ne munneys or lands. But Ceiling Cat swored dat his baybeez wud pwn teh hole shebang, evin tho Abrahamsammich had no baybeez. (Lolwut?)6 Ceiling Cat sed: 'Yur baybeez will bee teh NOT WANT uf teh contry, an dey will bee slavs an treeted in NOT GOOD wayz. Oh, an dats how it gonna bee for forty yeers times ten!7 But I wills pwn teh nayshun taht maks dem slavs, so no biggie. An afta dat, dey will leev dat nashun an come wurship Me in dis playce rite heer.'8 Den teh Ceiling Cat gived Abrahamsammich teh convent uf circlestishun. An Abrahamsammich had a baybee an circlestized him eight daze ltr. Teh baybee was Izack, an Izack had a baybee namd Jaycub, an Jaycub had twelv baybeez hoo became teh paytreearks.

9 "An cuz teh paytreearks wuz jellus uf Joesef, dey selled him too Ejipped for teh slaving. But Ceiling Cat had Joesef's back10 an saveded him frum his trubbles. He gived Joesef wizdum (but NO SPEARAMINT!) so teh Ejippeds king Fairoh wud be liek: 'Rule my Ejippeds an my stufs.'

11 "An den teh hungree-time came to teh Ejipped an Caynan, wif teh suffring and teh no fud.12 Wen Jaycub herd dat der wuz fuds in Ejipped, he told owr papas teh paytreearks 'DO WANT!' Dey vizit Ejipped.13 Den dey vizits agen an Joesef sez 'I iz yur bro-hemes,' an he telled Fairoh 'bout hiz famleez.14 An Joesef say 'Breeng Jaycub an hole famleez heer!' an all seventee plus five show up.15 Den Jaycub an owr papas livd in Ejipped until dey wer made ded.16 Ther deded boddees wer put in a toomb taht Abrahamsammich had bawted frum teh Hamor baybeez at teh Shechem.

17 "So wile it getting clos to time fer Ceiling Cat to keep bargin wif Abrahamsammich, der wuz getting moar an moar uf owr peeps in Ejipped.18 Den teh Fairoh wents away an Ejipped gots anuthr king hoo did knot no Joesef.19 He wuz a meenie an made owr forepapas throw owt der baybeez to make dem ded.

20 An Mozus wuz baybee at dat time an he waznt liek teh rest of teh childs. He livd wif his papa for three munths21 befor he wuz put outside to make ded, but teh new Fairoh's dawter fownd him an razed him as her own baybee.22 Mozus wuz learnded by the Ejipped ppl an wuz gud at teh speeching an doing.

23 "Wen Mozus was four timez ten yeerz old, he went too vizit hiz peeps.24 He sawded one uf dem beeng pwnd by an Ejippedshun, so he maed teh Ejipped man ded.25 Mozus thawt dat hiz fello Izreelites wud see dat Ceiling Cat wuz uzing him to be helping dem, but it not happn.26 Teh nex day, he sees two Izreelites throwin down. He tryed to maek dem NOT WANT bi saying: 'U two r bro-hemes. Y do u want to pwn eech othur? Hugz time now?'

27 "But teh one guy sez to Mozus: 'Yur knot teh boss uf me!28 Do u wanna pwn me liek u pwnd taht Ejipped dood yesturday?'29 Wen Mozus hearded dis, he DID NOT WANT an mooved to Mideean an had two boi baybeez.

30 "Afta for timez ten yeers passded, Mozus wuz in teh dessert neer Mownt Sinus an sawed a baybee tree on teh firez! Wif ainjel in it!31 'ZOMG!' seded Mozus. He lukd kloser an hurd teh voys uf teh Ceiling Cat:32 'I iz teh Ceiling Cat uf yur daddiez, teh Ceiling Cat of Abrahamsammich, Izak, an Jaycub.' Mozus wuz ascared and atremblin. He no look.

33 "Teh Ceiling Cat sed to him, 'Taek off yur skandals! Yur standin on mah hole ground!34 I haz seen teh pwning uf mah ppl in teh Ejipped. I haz hurd thur DO NOT WANT and haz cum down to sets dem free. Go bak to Ejipped now. kthnksbai.'

35 "Dis be teh same Mozus hoo dey rejektud wif da werdz: 'You knot boss uf me!' Ceiling Cat sent him to bee thur roolur throo teh ainjel in teh baybee tree on teh firez.36 He leeded dem owt of Ejipped an did teh majix in teh Ejipped an maed teh red watter moov thing happn, an for for timez ten yeers in teh dessert.

37 "Dis is teh Mozus hoo told teh Izreelites: 'Ceiling Cat wil sended u a profit liek me frum yur own ppls.'38 Him wuz in teh assembleez in teh dessert, wif teh ainjel taht tawk too hims on teh Mownt Sinus, an wif r papas; An he sended us wurds dat wer alive! (EW!)

39 "But ourz faver kittehs dontz lisenz. Dey dis him an go Egypt. (Bad peeplez)40 Dey telled Aaron, 'Maked uz Ceiling Cats whoz goez baforez uz. srsly Az forez Mozus whoz leadedz uz fromz Egyptz weez dontz knowz whatz happeded too himz.' srsly41 Dayz maded baybeh moocowz idolz. Dey taked sacrificez too baybeh moocowz idol and holded celebrashun in honerz of moocowz idol. srsly42 Ceiling Cat turneded wayz and giveded dems to deh Ceilingly bodeez. srsly Dis agreez wif writed stuffz in deh bookz of deh profets:

 "'Yuz bringedz meez sacrifizez and offringz forty yeerz in deh desertz, O haoze of Izraelz?

 43 Yuz pickeded upz deh shrinez of Molechz and deh star ofz yurz ceiling cat Refanz, an idolz yuz madedz tooz worshipz.

 Dereforez Iz make yuz inz exilez beondz Bahbehlonz.

44 "Arez fourfaverz (taugt Iz luckyz wif one!!!) had tabernackle tingyz ofz tesfomonyz wif dem in desert. It waf madez likez ceiling cat orderezded Mozus 'cordin to teh patternez he sawed!45 Having gotted the tabernackle (twy sayingz dat wif a traigt facez!) arez favers undered Joshua brinded itz wif dem wen deyz takeded da landz fwom da natinz Ceiling cat drived awayz b4 dem. It stayded in da land untilz Davidz,46 whoez enjoyededz ceiling catz favorz and askeded dat he getz too maked a hoaze forz Jacobz.47 Butz Solmenanz makeded da hoaze fored Jacobz.

48 Butz most high (dats da cat wif catnipz...nom nom nom...) don lived in haozez maded by guyz. Az profetz sehs:

49 "'Da ceiling is miez trone, and da urfz my footpadz. Whatz haoze u maked forz meh? Says Ceiling cat. Oar wherez will miez westing pwace beez?50 Haz meh paw not makeded all tings?

51 Yuz fermz-fifted peepz, wif unholeez hartz an eerz! Yuz likez yur faverz: You alwaz dis da Ceiling cat!52 Wav derez ever a profet yur faverz no dis? Dey eved maked ded dose onez who toldz of da richous one coming! Noaz you maked ded him53 yuz who gettedz da rulez dat was maded so by da BirdKats but you noes lisens!

Da Stonin of Stevan

54 Whenz dey heerded dis dey were pissed an makeded evilz faecez at da peep.55 Butz Stevan, filleded wif da Ceiling Cat lookeded upz tooz da ceiling anz seed da gloreez of Ceiling Cat and Jebus standing paw to paw wif Ceiling Cat.56 "Seez," he sayeded, "Iz seez da ceiling opin ans da sonz of da Ceiling Cat standin paw to paw wif Ceiling Cat."

57 At dis dey covereded derez eerz and yelleigz atz da topz of dere voicez dey all runneded really fast atz himz,58 an draggeding himz outz da cityz and stoneded himz. While da peepz watchin all putted dere clovez at do footeez of a d00d nameded Saulz.

59 Durin da Stonin himz, Stevan prayeded: "Lord Jebus, takeded my spirit."60 Dem himz felleded to himz knee tings and sayeded: "Jebus, dontz putz dis invisibl errorz on dem. kthxbai" Den he sleepeez.

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