2 Samuel 2

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1 K so nao David gotz to aks teh Ceiling Cat watz next? I can goze up to Judah citteez? N Ceiling Cat sez, "Goz up." An David is leik, "WTF?!1? Up wear?" N Ceiling Cat is all, "Up to Hebron, n00b." An David is leik, kthxbye.

2 K so David goze dere, an he takez hiz too wyves (dey gotz to long names to rite dem, plus who cares),3 n his gaiz, all of dem, an dey watz tottally living dere in Hebron.4 An teh Judah gaiz camed, an dey gaved David teh holee catnip, n den he watz leik tottaly teh Top Cat in Judah!!1!1 OMG!1! K den dey tellz him it watz Jabesh Gilead gaiz wut berried Saul.5 An David is all, "U Jabesh Gilead gaiz, teh Ceiling Cat tinkz u r teh r0xx0r!!11!6 Him n me givez uz sooo many cheezburgers for berryin Saul leik dat.7 N nao u shd totaly git reddy an work ur scrachin posts, cuz Saulz is teh deedd, an I am teh Top Cat in teh Judah ZOMG!!1!1"

8 K but WTF!! Dis gai Abner, fum Saulz krew, he takez anuuder won ov Saulz kidz, Ishball, an he takze him to Manahananahim (???),9 n he tottaly makz him (Ishbowl) teh king of teh Israel!!1!1 ovar teh Gileadsez, n teh Assyrianz, n teh Bengals, n teh Manxesez n leik dat. (Iz to menni namez her.)10 An oh btw Ishbo watz teh OLD wen he can haz kingdom, leik forty, an he no can haz kingdom onlie for too yeerz. An he no can hatz Judah, dat iz Davidzes!!1! So GTFO Ishbo!11!11 Oh an also btw Davidz watz teh Top Cat in Hebron fur leik SEVIN yeerz!1!! PWNAGE!!

12 K so Abner n Ishboll (Saulz kid) n dere gaiz can goze frum Mahahahanamim (???) to Gibeon.13 N Joab n Davdiz gaiz, dey go out n meet teh Salz gaiz by dis pool n sitz daon, teh Saulz gais on wun side n teh Davidz gaiz on teh udder.14 An Abner sez to Joab, "We can haz fite nao wif are gaiz?" An Joab sez, "DO WANT!!!"15 N dere watz twelf Bengal kittehs fitein for Saulz n twelf udder kine kittehs for Davidz.16 K an dey all bited each udders headz, an smoted on eech udder in teh sidez, den dey all fallz daown!!1!1! weerd huh? An datz wai dey callz wear dey watz fiteing HELLKATZ IHAZEM. Iz in Gibeon, u cd go seez it.17 N den dere was battel for realz, n Abner n teh Isreals watz tottaly PWNED by teh Davidz gaiz lolz1!1!! Yay Davidz!1!

18 K n so dere watz tree gaiz, brudders, Joab n Abishai n Asahel, an Asahel watz fast leik bunneh.19 An Asahel watz gone after Abner, an not let noffin distrack him, not even if dere watz katnipz!!20 An Abner lookz, an hez leik, "Iz u Asahel," an Asahel is leik, duh.21 An Abnerz leik, "D00d! Iz deedd gaiz all ovar u can haz der armer n stuf, wai u be chassin me!1!1" K but Asahel duzzint stop chaisin him.22 An Abernz all, "D00d, doan mak me smoted u! Dat wd piss off yr bruder Joab, srsly."23 But Asahel duzzint stop. An Abner can smoted him wif hiz speer, rite in teh tums, ow! n teh speer comez out teh bakk said, it watz tottaly gross!!1! N evrybuddie dat camed ware Asahel falld jes stod dere lookin.

24 Not Joab an Abishai, tho, dey tottaly kep gone after Abner, even wen it gotted dark. N dey gotz to dis hill called Ammah, dat watz leik on teh way to Gibeon, I duzzint no teh dureckshuns tho.25 An teh Bengal kittehs all comed around Abner on teh top of teh hillz, an dey watz makkin meen faces at Joab to skeer him.26 K n so Abner iz yellin to Joab, leik, "Hey d00d! Wai u gotz to keep smotin?? I dozent tink dis can haz good end. Izzent we all kittehs togedder? So stop alreddy pwning utz!!1!"27 An Joab is leik, Good thing u sed somethin, we wooda tottaly kep goin lolz.28 K n so Joab made a big MAAOWRR, n hiz gaiz stopped smotin, an dey stopped runnin after teh Israel gaiz.

29 An den Abner n his gaiz gotted awai at nite, n dey camed over teh Jordan river an bai teh nekxt day dey camed bak to teh Mammajamma (??) plaice.30 An sins Joab wazzint chassin Abner no moar he camed bak to. An wen dey counted dere gaiz dey watz missin leik nineteen of em.31 But dey killded leik tree leventy hunnerd of teh Abner gaiz, so leik I sedd, PWNAGE!!1!32 An dey berried Asahal wear his fader watz, in Bethlehem, it waz to sad.33 An it taked dem all nite, but by teh ayem dey watz bak in Hebron, wai to go gaiz!

2 Samuel 2
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