1 Samuel 7

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Old Testament
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1 an so teh doodz ov kiriath jearim came an took up teh Ark ov Ceiling Cat. dems took it to abinadabs houz on teh hill an consecratd Eleazar his son to gard teh Ark ov Ceiling Cat. srsly.

Samuel subduez teh filistinez at mizpah

2 it wuz long tiem, twenty yeers, an teh Ark stayd at kiriath jearim, an all teh peeps ov israel mournd an sought aftr Ceiling Cat. srsly.

3 an Samuel sed to teh whole houz ov israel: "if u r returnin to Ceiling Cat wif all ur hearts, den rid yourselvez ov teh foreign godz an teh ashtoreths an evryting an commit yourselvez to Ceiling Cat an serve him only an he will delivr u out ov teh hand ov teh filistinez"

4 an so teh israelitez put away teihr baals an ashtoreths, an servd only Ceiling Cat.

5 an so Samuel sed, "get all israel at mizpah an iz gon talk wif Ceiling Cat for u."

6 an tehy got all togethr at mizpah, an drew watr an pourd it out before Ceiling Cat, an fastd an confesd "has envisibel err0rrrd gainst Ceiling Cat" an Samuel wuz leadr [a] ov all israel at mizpah.

7 wehn teh filistinez herd dat israel had assembld at mizpah, teh rulers ov teh filistinez caem to pwnz0r dems. an wehn teh israelitez herd, they wuz afraid ov teh filistinez.

8 an they sed to Samuel, "do not stop cryin out to Ceilin Cat cuz He can has rescue us frum teh filistinez, srsly."

9 den samuel took sucklin lamb an burnded it as offrin to Ceiling Cat an has a creid to Ceiling Cat for israel, an Ceiling Cat anzw0rd him, srsly.

10 an while Samuel wuz sacrificin teh burnt offerin, teh filistinez got close to pwn israel. but Ceiling Cat thunderd wif loud thundr gainst teh filistinez an threw dems into panic an dems wuz ttly stund before teh israelitez, srsly.

11 teh doodz ov israel rushd out ov mizpah an pursud teh filistinez, PWNZ0rrr them to point below beth car.

12 an samuel took stone an set it up tween mizpah an shen. an namd it ebenezr, [b] sayin "thus far did Ceiling Cat halp us."

13 an so teh filistinez wuz subdud an did not invade israelite territory again. an so in Samuels leifteim, teh paw ov Ceiling Cat wuz against teh filistinez.

14 teh towns frum ekron to gath dat teh filistinez had capturd frum israel wuz restord to israel, an israel pwnd teh neighborin territory frum teh pwnage ov teh filistinez. an thar wuz peace tween israel an teh amoritez.

15 Samuel continud as judge ovar israel all teh dais ov his life.

16 frum yeer to yeer he went frum bethel to gilgal to mizpah, judgin israel in all dose placez.17 but he always went bak to ramah, wer his home wuz, an thar he also judgd israel. an he built an altar thar to Ceiling Cat. leik, srsly.

Teh Footnotez
  • a - 1 samuel 7:6 tradishunally judge
  • b - 1 samuel 7:12 ebenezr meanz stone ov halp.
1 Samuel 7
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