1 Samuel 2

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Hannah prayz ta Ceiling Cat

1 Hannah prayz n sez:
"Ai ♥ Ceiling Cat
wif Ceiling Cat mah milk is spilt waaaaaay hai
ai hiss wunss an dogz runz awayz...i win!
iz liek yu scratchin' ma bellie all dayz
2 no kitteh iz az gud az Ceiling Cat.
3 don be all "ai pwnz0r" bcuz Ceiling Cat iz watchin yu, an him noez da troof.
4 da klawz ov da big kittehz iz klipt off to da kwik, an evn da bigist kittehz git all tipsi liek wif katnip.
5 kittehz dat haz milks r all "WANT MOR MILK" cuz da milk got all drinktid, an dey need get jobz to bai mor.
but kittehz wit no milks... dey ken haz milks! hooray!!!eleven!!
kittehz wit no babehz now gots seben lil kittehz,
but mama kittehz hoo haz meni kittehz r full ov sad cuz now haz no kittehz at all.
6 Ceiling Cat iz da wun hoo kill, an da wun hoo say "O hai."
7 Ceiling Cat givz much fud to sum kittehz an frum oddrz taek all fud awey.
Him maek sum kittehz sit out in da reyn an let sum lai on da big bed.
8 wehn kittehz iz hav no toyz, Ceiling Cat givz meni toyz an evn much fud.
Him let da kittehz sit at da tebl next to da milk-bringin man. Him let da kittehz sit on da big cheyr.
9 Ceiling Cat maek gud soft paf fer him kittehz. but da ebol kittehz git puttid outsied at niet evn in da reyn, an da mastr no lissn to deyr yowlz.
10 kittehz dat try to catfiet wif Ceiling Cat iz so stoopid, bcuz him wil pwnz0r them. Him ken pwn them evn frum Ceiling.
Him noez hoo iz gud kitteh an hoo iz bad kitteh.
Ceiling Cat iz maek hiz kittehz strong, so dey ken pwn da bad kittehz too.

11 den Elkanah went home to ramah, but teh boi ministerd befor teh lord undr Eli teh priest.

Elis ebol boi kittehz

12 Elis sons wuz wickd doodz; dem no regard for Ceiling Cat. srsly.

13 nao it wuz leik wif priests an peeps, wehn NEone offerd cookies an weil teh meat wuz bean boild, teh priests survent wud come, wif three-prongd fork in hims hand.14 an him wud stik it in teh pot, an teh priest wud taek for hims w/e teh fork got. dis ar how dems treatd ALL teh israelitez hoo caem to shiloh. srsly.

15 an but even befoar teh fat wuz burnd, teh priests survent wud come an say to sacrifeicn dood: "giv teh priest sum meat to roste; he won taek boild meat frum u, only raw. k? srsly."16 if teh dood sed, "let teh fat be burnd up furst, den taek w/e u wants," teh servant wud anzwr, "no, u gives it nao; if u doan, ill taek by force."

17 dis invisible error wuz ttly srs to Ceiling Cat, cuz dem [d] no respect cookehs offrin to Ceiling Cat.

18 but Samuel wuz ministerin before Ceiling Cat - a boi wearin linen efod.19 each yeer hims mama maed him lil robe an taekd it to him when her went wif her husband to offr teh yeerly sacrifeic.

20 Eli wud bles Elkanah an his wif, sayin: "cud Ceiling Cat plz givs kittehs to dis woman to replace teh wan she prayd for an den gaev to Ceiling Cat." den dems wud go home.

21 an Ceiling Cat wuz grashus to Hannah; her can has gaev birf to three bois an two girlz. an, teh boi Samuel grew up in da presence ov Ceiling Cat.

22 nao so Eli, hoo wuz rly rly old, herd bout evrythin his bois wuz doin to all israel an dat they slept wif teh women hoo servd at teh entrance to teh tent ov meetin and evrythihn.23 so hims sed: "y do u do such things? i hear frum all teh peeps bout thees ttly wickd deedz ov yers.24 no, mah sons; it not gud storees dat i hear among Ceiling Cats peeps. srsly.

25 if kitteh nvisibel err0r gainst othr kitteh, Ceilin Cat [e] cud mediate - but if kitteh nvsibel err0rz agenst Ceiling Cat, hoo can has do NEthing?" hims bois did not listn, for it wuz Ceiling Cat will pwnz0r dems.

26 an teh boi Samuel continud to grow in stachur an in favor wif Ceiling Cat an wif doodz.

Profecy agenst teh houz ov Eli

27 nao man ov Ceilin Cat came to Eli an sed: "dis ar teh wut Ceiling Cat sez: did i not ttly reveal maiself to ur dads houz when they wuz in egypt undr faraoh?28 ai chose ur fathr out ov all teh tribez ov israel to be mah priest, an go up to mah alter, an burn nsenses, an wear efod in mah prezense. also ttly gaev ur dads houz all teh offrins maed wif fire by teh israelitez. srsly.29 y do u [f] dis mah sacrifeic an offrin dat ai has for mah base? y do u honor ur bois moar than meh by fattenin yourselvs on teh nom parts ov evry offrin maed by mah peeps israel?

30 "therefore Ceiling Cat sez: Ai promisd dat ur houz an ur dads houz wud ministr before me forevr. but nao Ceiling Cat sez!! dose hoo honor me Iz gonna honor, but dose hoo r dis Meh r be disst. srsly.31 teh tiem iz comin when Iz gonna cut short ur strength, an teh strength ov ur dads houz, an ther will not be an old d00d in ur peeps!!

32 an u will c distres in mah dwellin! an though gud will be dun to israel, in ur pplz line thar will nevr be an old man. srsly.

33 evry wan ov u dat i no cut off frum mah altar will be spard only to blind ur eyez wif tears an to grieve ur ♥, an all ur descendants will dye in teh preim ov leif.34 " an wut happens to ur too sons, Hofni an Finehas, will be sign to u they will both dye on same dai. srsly.

35 iz gonna raize for maiself faithful preest, hoo will do wuts in mah hart an mind. iz gonna maek hims base strong, an he will ministr before mah anointd wan always.36 den evryone left in ur peeps will come an bow before hims for cookehs an plead, "plz gives meh sum preestly job plz, so i can has fud to nom." "

Teh Footnotes
  • a - 1 samuel 2:1 horn her symbolizez strength; also in verse 10.
  • b - 1 samuel 2:2 or no holy wan
  • c - 1 samuel 2:6 hebrew sheol
  • d - 1 samuel 2:17 or doodz
  • e - 1 samuel 2:25 or teh judgez
  • f - 1 samuel 2:29 teh hebrew iz plural.
1 Samuel 2
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