1 Samuel 17

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Old Testament
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David pwns Longcat (1 Sam 17:48-51).

Longcat Gifs Teh Challeng to Israelkittehs


1 Teh Philistikittehs got all der figtherkittehs redi and camped on one hill.2 Saul den got all hiz fighterkitteh redi and campd on other hill.3 So teh two armies of figtherkittehs facd each other on teh two hillz wit teh valli btween dem.

4 Den Longcat, who wus an awsum fighterkitteh champyun cam looked at teh israelkittehs. dis Longcat was ova nine feet long. srsly.5 He had all kindz of reeli sweet armorz and stuffz n he wuz jus amazin.6 n he had a big javelin dat was sharp and stuf7 hiz spere wuz super hevy, too. and he had anuther kitteh carry hiz stufz for him.

8 Longcat stood in frunt of israelkittehs and sed "Y foar u come out n fight? I am sweet champyun d00d but u guyz r teh suckz. U chuz one of ur fighterkittehs to come and fiht wit me.8 If he winz, i makes u all cheezbrgrs n cookiez and i won't even eated dem. But if I winz, u has to make me cheesbrgrs n cookies witout even eatin dem. k?10 cuz srsly i doan think u guyz can do it cuz u jus suck dat much. srsly.11 wen Saul n teh israelkitteh herd dis dey got reel scard n peed ther pantz.


Jesse Sendz David To Camp (but not leik summer camp. is diffrent)


12 So David wuz son of dis gui Jesse. N Jesse livd in Judah an he wuz really old and he had eigt sons. srsly.13 Hiz three oldst- El, Ab n Shim- alredy haz left to go to teh camp to b fightercatz for saul n figt teh evil nasty philisticatz.14 David wuz teh yungest kitteh, teh bebe uv teh famile. Hiz three oldst bros stayd at camp,15 but David went bak n forth cuz he had to take care of teh sheepz in bethlehem for hiz daddy.

16 N foar forty dayz and nitez Longcat struttd in fron of teh israelkitteh armi.

17 Den wun day jesse sez, "oh hai david. takez dis fud to ur brotherz18 n here is a cheezburgr foar dere captain. make sure ur bros r ok an den come home n tellz me wut dey r doin. kthnxbai."19 cuz davids brothrs were at da camp at teh valli figtin teh philistikittehs.

20 so david told uther kitteh to watch aftr teh sheep n he left foar camp wit teh fudz jus as hiz daddy sed cuz he iz good kitteh. he got ther jus a teh armis were gettin redi to do teh fightin stuffz or sumthing.21 teh two armis facd each uthr22 david gave teh foods to teh supplykeeperkitteh and wen to go see hiz bros.23 as he were talkn to his bros, teh big meen Longcat came out to see wut teh israelkittehs were doin. he startd to teez dem, leik uswul.

24 as sun as teh israelkitteh armi saw teh Longcat, dey ran aways and hides.25 "Haz u seen dat giant?!?1?" teh kittehs askd. "he comez out evry day to laff at us. teh king haz offerd lotz of cheezburgrs for to gif to teh kitteh who can makes teh Longcat ded. he wil evn giv dat man hiz awsum sexi doter n he wuldn't evr hav to pay teh taxs agin!"

26 David askd wun of teh figtherkittehs neerby, "wut is diz awsum sweet prize for killin teh Longcat n makin hiz teezin stop? N neway, who is dis gui dat wuld teeze teh armi of teh ceiling cat?"

27 Teh man answrd n sed, "ya, dat is teh awsum sweet prize."

28 Wen david's oldest bro, El, herd david talkin to teh fighterkittehs he got madz n sed, "hay david, y for r u here? u needez to be takin care of ur silly lil sheep! i no u just wan to be here to see teh battle!"

29 N david sed, "srsly, bro, takez a brak. I wuz just askin a question. sheesh, srsly dood."30 n den he walkd to sum othr kittehs n askd dem teh same questin n he got teh same answr.31 dem some kitteh told teh king saul dat david wuz askin questin n teh king saul askd to see david bcuz he wantd for to see him.


David Fites teh Longcat. srsly.


32 "Doan u worri bout dis stoopid philisticat." david sed to teh king. "I goez n fitez him for u. srsly. kthnxbai."

33 "Doan haz teh stoopidz!" sed teh king saul kitteh. "No wai can u fite dis philistikitteh n win. No wai. U r little kitten n he is big strong kitteh. He haz ben figtherkitteh since he waz yung. So jus no wai, dood, no wai."

34 But david, "Wai. I so can beat him. Iv ben takin caer ov mah daddyz animlz n stuff n dis wun tiem a lyon caem n tryd to steal wun for to maek cheezburgr wit,35 an I just killded it. srsly. i beat it wit a club n brok hiz jaw n stuff. ya man.36 i will do dat to dis philistikitteh cuz he maekz fun uv teh armi of teh ceiling cat!37 ceiling cat savd me frum teh lyon, he will so sav me frum teh Longcat. so wai. srsly."

N den saul sed, "k. may ceiling cat b wit u!"

38 saul gav david sum uv his armor, a rlly sweet helmet n stuff.39 david tryd it on n walkd aroun in it for a sec cuz he nevr wear wun bfor.

"No wai can I wearz dis. I no usd to it. No want." so david tuk it off.40 so he wen doan to teh rivr n got five rockz. n den wit only hiz rockz n hiz walkn stik he wen to teh valli to fite teh Longcat.

41 Longcat walkd out to see david42 n laffd at him43 "Srsly lil kitteh, am i lyke sum dog dat u try to beat me up wit a stik? srsly dood, dat is teh suckz.44 come here n see me so i can groun u up lyke so much bird food." Longcat yelld.

45 n david sed, "u coem to meh wit all ur fancy armrz n stuffz, but i coem to u teh naem of teh Cat of teh Ceiling's armis, u kno, ceiling catz armis dat u leik to teez so much.46 today, ceiling cat wil totaly taek u, n i'm so goin to kill u and cutz off ur hed n stuff. n den, I will will groun all ur fighterkitteh leik so much bird food n den evryone will kno dat ceiling cat livs n israel!47 n evryone here wil kno dat ceiling cat savs his kittehs n he doan evn need any of dat fancy armor stuff. Dis is totaly ceiling cat's battl n he will so gif u to me. kthnx."

48 s0 Longcat cam fwd to meet david n david ranz at him.49 he grabd one of hiz rockz an den he leik thru it at Longcat! n teh rock hit Longcat in teh hed n he fell over and dyd. Pwnd!

50 so david so totaly beat teh Longcat cat wit jus a rock! he didn evn hav a sword or nething!51 he taekd Longcat's sword n cut off Longcat's hed.


Israel Chasez teh Philistikittehs Away


wen teh philistikittehz saw dat ther big awsum champyum waz ded dey ran away.52 den teh israel n judahkittehs yelld "yay! we rockz! we haz teh awsum!" n chazed aftr teh philistikittehs.53 den dey wen bak to teh phillistikittehz camp n steald all dere cheezburgrs n stuff.54 (david took teh Longcat's hed to jerusalm, but he put teh Longcat's sweet armor in hiz tent. srsly)

55 wen saul saw david fite teh Longcat cat, he askd abner, who wuz teh leadr of hiz armi, "abner, leik who is teh daddy of dat kitteh?"

n abner wuz leik, "idk".

56 n saul wuz leik, "u go find out for me. kthnxbai."

57 as sun as david com bak frum killn Longcat, abner tuk him to teh king saul, evn tho david stil had teh Longcat kitteh'z hed in hiz handz.58 "whoz ur daddy?" saul askd him.

"he is teh jesse, n we lif in bethlehem" sed david.
1 Samuel 17
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