1 Samuel 16

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Old Testament
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Samuel Annointz David

1 Ceiling Cat tellded Samuel "u can has no mar teerz. Saul not be down wit Israel. U can finded Jesse in Bethlehemville, his sun gunna be da Kingz. Here take dis oluvejuse"2 Samuell sais "OMG!!!1! Saul will maek me ded" and Ceiling Cat sez "Taek di moocows and make it ded for Ceiling Cat"3 "It can be ded moocown partiez time and Jesse can come too. You make Jesse da kingz"4 Samuel did what Ceiling cat tolded him 2. All the Bethlehemvillians d00dz were scareded.5 Samuel invited dem all to ded moocow partiez.6 Wen dey arrivd, Samuel seez Eliab n thot, "Srsly, the Ceiling Catz annointed standz here before the Ceiling Cat. Dis d00dz is teh 1337ness!"7 But Ceiling Cat sed to Samuel, "DO NOT WANT. Ceiling Cat iz inside u ppl, lookin at ur heartz."8 Samuel seez Abinadab and thot "di d00dz are made of win!" But Ceiling cat telded Samuel that Abinidab was failz.9 Shammah can has rejekshuns 2.10 Jesse bringded all 7 of hiz suns and dey all has rejekshuns.11 Jesse be running out of opshuns. But Jesse haz one more sun...only a babiez.12 Samuel sez "w00t!"13 Samuel poorded the oluvejuse on David and Ceiling Cat gaev Cheezburger to David, leik infinate cheezeburger! Win!

David n Saul's Service

1 21david came 2 saul an enterd his service. Saul likd him vry mutch, an david became wan ov his armor-bearers. 14 Nao teh spirit ov teh lord had departd frum saul, an an evil spirit frum teh lord tormentd him.15 Sauls attendants sed 2 him, "c, an evil spirit frum ceilin cat iz tormentin u.16 Let r lord command his servants her 2 search 4 someone hoo can pulay teh harp. He will pulay when teh evil spirit frum ceilin cat comez upon u, an u will feelz bettr."17 so saul sed 2 his attendants, "find someone hoo plays well an brin him 2 me."18 wan ov teh servants anzwerd, "i has seen son ov jese ov bethlehem hoo knows how 2 pulay teh harp. He iz brave man an warrior. He speakz well an iz fine-lookin man. An teh lord iz wif him."19 den saul sent mesengers 2 jese an sed, "send me ur son david, hoo iz wif teh sheep."20 so jese took donkey loadd wif bread, skin ov wine an young goat an sent them wif his son david 2 saul.22 den saul sent werd 2 jese, sayin, "allow david 2 remain in mah service, 4 im pleezd wif him."23 whenevr teh spirit frum ceilin cat came upon saul, david wud taek his harp an pulay. Den relief wud come 2 saul; he wud feelz bettr, an teh evil spirit wud leef him.

1 Samuel 16
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