1 Samuel 13

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Samuel rebukez Saul

1 Saul wuz thirty[a] yeers old wehn he became king, him reignd ovar israel forty-[b]too yeers.

2 Saul [c] chose three-thousand doodz frum israel; two-thousand wuz wif him at micmash an in da hill country ov bethel, an thousand wuz wif Jonathan at gibeah in benjamin. rest ov doodz he sent bak to dems homes.

3 Jonathan attackd teh filistine outpost at geba an teh filistinez herd bout it. den Saul had teh trumpet blown throughout teh land an sed, "let teh hebrews hear, k!"

4 so all israel herd teh news: "Saul has attackd teh filistine outpost, an nao israel has become stench to teh filistinez." an teh peeps wuz summond to join Saul at gilgal.

5 teh filistinez assembld to fight israel wif three-thousand [d] chariots,6 thousand charioteers, an soldiers as numerous as teh sand on teh beech srsly OMGWTF. dem went up an campd at micmash, east ov beth aven.

6 when israel doodz saw dis, they hid in cavez an thickets an among teh rockz an in pits an holez.7 sum hebrews even crosd teh jordan to teh land ov gad an gilead. Saul remaind at gilgal, an all teh troops wif him wuz quakin wif fear, srsly.

8 he waitd seben dais, eht tiem set by Samuel, but Samuel did not come to gilgal, srsly, an Sauls doodz began to scattr.

9 so he sed, "brin me teh burnt offerin an teh fellowship offrings. [e] " an Saul offerd up teh burnt offerin.10 jus as he finishd makin teh offerin, Samuel arrivd, an Saul went out to greet him.

11 "dood wtf has u dun?" askd Samuel. an Saul sed "when i saw dat doods wuz scatterin, an dat u did not come at teh set teim, an dat teh filistinez wuz assemblin at micmash,12 ai thot: nao teh filistinez will come down against me at gilgal, an ai has not sought Ceiling Cats favor, an i felt compelld to offr teh burnt offerin, srsly."

13 "u actd teh stoopids," samuel sed. "u has not kept teh command Ceilin Cat gaev u; if u had, he wud has establishd ur kingdom ovar israel for all tiem.

14 but nao ur kingdom will FAIL; Ceiling Cat has sought out man aftr his own hart an appointd him leadr ov his peeps, cuz u has not kept Ceiling Cats command, srsly dood."

15 den Samuel left gilgal [f] an went up to gibeah in benjamin, an Saul countd teh doodz hoo wuz wif him. They numberd bout six hundrd.

Israel haz no Weaponz

16 Saul an his son Jonathan an teh doodz wif them wuz stayin in gibeah [g] in benjamin, while teh filistinez campd at micmash.

17 raidin partiez went out frum teh filistine camp in three groups. wan turnd toward ofrah nere shual,18 anothr toward beth horon, an teh third toward teh borderland overlookin teh valley ov zeboim facin teh desert.

19 not blacksmith cud be findz in all ov israel, cuz teh filistinez had sed, "udderwize teh hebrews will mak forkes or neivs!"

20 so all israel went down to teh filistinez to has their metall stuffs [h] sharpend (wtf?).21 preis wuz too-thirdz shekel [i] for sharpenin some weppens an third ov shekel [j] for sharpenin otehr wehpens.

22 an on dai ov teh battle no souldyir wif Saul an Jonathan can has weponz in dems pawz; only Saul an his son Jonathan can has. srsly.

Jonathan vs. teh Filistinez: The Epic Battle!

23 nao detachment ov filistinez had gone out to teh pass at micmash.

Teh Footnotez
  • a - 1 samuel 13:1 few late manuscripts ov teh septuagint; hebrew doez not has thirty.
  • b - 1 samuel 13:1 c teh round numbr in acts 13:21; hebrew doez not has forty-
  • c - 1 samuel 13:2 or an when he had reignd ovar israel 2 yeers, 2 he
  • d - 1 samuel 13:5 sum septuagint manuscripts an syriac; hebrew thirty thousand
  • e - 1 samuel 13:9 tradishunally peace offerings
  • f - 1 samuel 13:15 hebrew; septuagint gilgal an went his wai; teh rest ov teh peeps went aftr saul 2 meet teh army, an they went out ov gilgal
  • g - 1 samuel 13:16 2 hebrew manuscripts; most hebrew manuscripts geba , variant ov gibeah
  • h - 1 samuel 13:20 septuagint; hebrew plowsharez
  • i - 1 samuel 13:21 hebrew pim; dat iz, bout 1/4 ounce (bout 8 grams)
  • j - 1 samuel 13:21 dat iz, bout 1/8 ounce (bout 4 grams)
1 Samuel 13
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