1 Kings 4

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1 Kings 4
Solomon Cat's Fishalz and Guvnrz

1 Oh hai. Liek King Solomon cat ruld over all Itzreal?.2 An deze wer himz chef fishalz: Azariah kittn uv Zadok — teh priest cat;

3 Elihoreph anna Ahijah, kittnz uv Shisha—sekretrys, liek coffee makin cat; Jehoshaphat kittn uv Ahilud - him fatcat DVD recordr cat;

4 Benaiah kittn uv Jehoiada — kmandr in chef, liek bozz cat; Zadok anna Abiathar-priest catz;

5 Azariah kittn uv Nathan — in charg uv teh distrkt offserz; Zabud kittn uv Nathan — a priest cat an personal advyzr 2 teh king cat, liek yammrn in himz earz;

6 Ahishar — in charg uv da palace littrboxz; Adoniram kittn uv Abda — in charg uv forsd labor an slavry, liek bozz whip-krakkr, tayl-bietr cat.

7 Solomon cat also had liek 12 distrkt Guvnrz over all Itzreal?, an demz supplied stuffz an littr fur teh king cat an da royal crashpadz. Evvry guvnr cat had 2 gibb stuffz fur one munth inna yearz.8 These are their names: Ben-Hur — himz portent moviestar chariot cat inna hill cuntry uv Ephraim;

9 Ben-Deker (nawt Ben Dover, Ai nose watchr thinkin, datz anudder ankle-grabbin cat) — in Makaz, Shaalbim, Beth Shemesh and Elon Bethhanan;

10 Ben-Hesed (Him sed "wat da eff?" an haz niec stiff tayl) — in Arubboth, datz Socoh an olive da landz uv Hepher wer himz

11 Ben-Abinadab (himz nawt ankle-grab) — in Naphoth Dor, himz wief wuz Taphath dawter kittn uv Solomon

12 Baana kittn uv Ahilud — in Taanach and Megiddo, himz big banana kittn-cat uv olive Beth Shan nex 2 Zarethan below Jezreel, frum Beth Shan 2 Abel Meholah acroz 2 Jokmeam, datz allota grownd 2 cuvvr, srsly;

13 Ben-Geber (himz babby fud jar makr) — in Ramoth Gilead da crashpadz uv Jair kittn uv Manasseh in Gilead wer himz, an olive da distrikt of Argob in Bashan an its sexty large walld ceeteez wit bronze gate barz

14 Ahinadab kittn uv Iddo (nawt Iddiot cat) — in Mahanaim (srsly, datz in Germknee);

15 Ahimaaz (srsly, youse an azz) — in Naphtali, himz wief iz Basemath nuddr dawtr kittn uv Solomon

16 Baana kittn uv Hushai — him nuddr top banana cat inna Asher and inna Aloth;

17 Jehoshaphat kittn uv Paruah (srsly, himz a phat cat) — in Issachar;

18 Shimei kittn uv Ela (nawt da ded cat wut teh azzazzin Benaiah dun killt in 1 Kings 2, butt nuddr cat) — in Benjamin;

19 Geber son of Uri (nuddr babby fud jar makr) — in Gilead da cuntry iv Sihon king uv da Amorites anda cuntry uv Og king uv Bashan. Himz only guvnr uv teh distrkt.

Solomon Cat's Daily Wantin uv Stuffz

20 Teh peeps uv Jouduh and Itzreal? wer many-many liek sand atta nude beetch; tehy ated stuffz, tehy drankded stuffz an deyz niec purrin cats. Purr, purr. Srsly.21 And Solomon cat wuz top cat ovr all kingdomz frum teh Ribber 2 teh land uv Phil Donahews, an 2 da bordr uv Egypt. Theze playzez gibbed stuff 2 Solomon cat, niec real niec liek furevva. Srsly.

22 Solomon cat's daily wantin uv stuffz wuz tirty really frickin big bagz uv niec flowerz and sixty really frickin big bagz of littr,23 ten niec dubba cheezbrgrz (dubba mayo), twenty niec trippa cheezbrgrz (holda onionz) anna hundreded niec fat sheepz an goatz, niec choco milkshakez an mor cheezbrgrz an mor stuffz an mor cheezbrgrz an one really frickin fat chickn hed.24 For him ruleded ovr all teh kingdomz west uv da Ribber, frum Tiphsah 2 Gaza, and had peas an quiet on all sides (until much, much, much l8r wen Itsreal? jumpeded on sum arabs wit U.S. made jetz an tankz).25 During Solomon cat's lieftyme evry cat frum Jouduh and Itzreal?, an evry cat frum Dan to Beersheba, liveded in safety, each cat wit himz own comfy chair anna littrboxz anna niec cheezbrgrz. Meow, srsly.

26 Solomon had a frickin lotta chairz on wheelz anna even frickin more billionz uv horses. Liek azif, srsly.

27 Teh distrkt orificerz, evvry frickin month, gave King Solomon cat cheezbrgrz 2 all dat skratched in himz littrboxz. Tehy had lotsa stuffz an littr. Srsly.28 Tehy also brungded booze an barbecue stuffz fer da party an straw fur da chariot horsez anna uddr horsez.

Solomon cat's Wize Smartz

1 31 Him wuz wizest azz cat uv all catz evvr, including Ethan teh Ezrahite — wizer tahn Heman (datz He-man "da mostest powerfulest cat in da univers" TV fellr uv da 1980z), Calcol and Darda, kittnz uv Mahol (In youse-hole? Naw, Mahol, itz niecr in der). And himz flame spread to all teh Bic lyters all over da playz. 20 Ceiling Cat gibbeded Solomon cat wize smartz an good lookz anna niec peniz anna styff tayl an freebee judge judy channelz 2 watch.30 Solomon cat's wize smartz wuz greater tahn teh wize smartz uv all teh cats uv teh East, and greater tahn all teh wize smartz uv Egypt, srsly wize azz cat him wuz.32 Him yammrd a frickin tonna proverbs and hiz songs wer liek zilliongajillionz and five and one quartr, srsly lotz.33 Him a botanist yammrin bout plantz, frum teh cedar of Lebanon to teh hyssop taht grows out of walls to da canabis sativa growin in himz backyard, or sumptin. Him also zoologist and knowded bout animalz an birdz, reptilz and fishzzzzezzzz. But him not savvy tree-huggin ecologist or him not evilotionist liek dat Darwin fellr.34 All cats frum uddr playzez came to listen 2 Solomon cat's wizecrackz, sent by all teh kings uf teh world, who had heard of himz wize azz crackin talk, an 2 look atta himz niec peniz an styff tayl, srsly. Kthnks bai.

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1 Kings 4
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