1 Kings 14

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Old Testament
Judegmen On Teh Houes uv Jeroboam

1 At dat tiem Abijah teh son uv Jeroboam becaem sik an stuff.2 An Jeroboam sed to him wief, "Getz up, plz, an put on yur faek glassez an stuff, dat dey no recogniez yu as mai wief, an go to Shiloh. Indeed, Ahijah teh proffet iz dere, who tol meh dat ai wud be king ovah deez peepz.3 Also taek wif yu ten loafz, soem caekz, an a jar uv honee, an go to him; him will tell yu wat will beoem uv teh kiddeh."4 An Jeroboam's wief did so; her arised an wen to Shiloh, an caem to teh houes uv Ahijah. But Ahijah no had eyesite, for him was old an stuff. Srsly.

5 Nao Ceiling Cat sed to Ahijah, "Oh hai. Here iz teh wief uv Jeroboam, comin to ask yu abot her son, for him is sik an stuff. Dus an dus yu shall sez to her; for it will be, wen her coemz in, her will preten to be soem uthr woman."

6 An so it wuz, wen Ahijah herd teh sound uv her futstepz as her caem thru teh door, him sed, "Oh hai. Coem in, wief uv Jeroboam. Niec try, but yu no foolz meh. I can has bad newz fer yu.7 Go, tell Jeroboam, 'Thus sez Ceiling Cat uv Israel: "Becaues Ai exhalted yu from among teh peeps, an maed yu rulr ovah Mai ppl Israel,8 an toer teh kingdum awai frum teh houes uv David, an gaev it to yu; an yet yu no haev been liek Mai servunt David, who kept Mai commandmuntz an who follod Meh wif all him hart, to do onlee wut wuz rite in Mai eyez;9 but yu has dun moar ebil dan all who was befor yu, for yu has goed and maed for yurself uthr godz and molded imagez to maek Meh mad, and haev cast Meh behind yur bak--10 therfor behold! I will bring disastur on teh hous uv Jeroboam, an will cut off frum Jeroboam evury mael in Israel, bond and free;I will taek away wut's left uv teh hous uv Jeroboam, as one taeks out teh trash until iz all goen.11 Teh loldogz will eated whoevur belongz to Jeroboam and iz ded in teh citeh, an teh lolbirdz uv teh air will eated whoevur iz ded in teh field, for Ceiling Cat has speaked!"'12 Ariz, den, and go to yur hous. When yur feetz entur teh citeh, teh kiddeh will be ded. Srsly.13 And all uv Israel will be sad and stuff for him, and bureh him, for him iz teh only one uv Jeroboam who will coem to teh grave, because him iz teh only one in teh hous of Jeroboam dat Ceiling Cat lieks.

14 "Moarovar Ceiling Cat will raise up for Hisself a king ovar Israel who will cutz off teh hous of Jeroboam; dis is teh dai. Lolwut? Even nao!15 For Ceiling Cat will striek Israel, as salt onto friez. Him will taek Israel frum dis gud land which Him gaev der daddehz, an will scattr dem beyond teh Euphrates, becaus dey haev maked der wuden imagez, maeking Ceiling Cat very angreh.16 And Him will giev Israel up becaus Jeroboam committed teh Invisible Error an maed Israel commit Invisible Errorz."

17 Den Jeroboam's wief left, and caem bak to Tirzah. Wen her caem to teh door uv teh hous, teh kiddeh wuz ded.18 An dey bureed him; an all Israel wuz sad, just liek wut Ceiling Cat sed thru Him peep Ahijah teh proffet.

Deth uv Jeroboam

19 Nao teh rest uv teh actz uv Jeroboam, how him maed war and how him reignd, iz writed in teh buk uv teh chroniclez uv teh kingz uv Israel.20 Teh tiem dat Jeroboam ruld wuz twenty-two yearz. So him rested wif him daddehs. Den Nadab him son tuk him plaec.

1 Kings 14
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