1 Chronicles 12

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Warriors sai "Oh hai, David"

1 These wuz teh kittehs hoo caem to David chillin' at Ziklag, wen he wuz banishd by Saul kitten uv Kish (David can haz dair halp in battul2 cuz they cud shuut arrowz an stonz wid rite or lef pawz; they wuz frum Saul fambly frum teh trieb uv Benjamin).

3 Wat a mob uv dem! An dey cum frum all over. Heere R dair namz: Ahiezer dair bosscat, Joash sunz uv Shemaah teh Gibeathite; Jeziel an Pelet sunz uv Azmaveth; Beracah, Jehu teh Anathothite4 Ishmaiah teh Gibeonite, 1 tuff d00d an anodder bosscat; Jeremiah, Jahaziel, Johanan, Jozabad teh Gederathite5 Eluzai, Jerimoth, Bealiah, Shemariah an Shephatiah teh Haruphite6 Elkanah, Isshiah, Azarel, Joezer an Jashobeam teh Korahites7 an Joelah an Zebadiah sunz uv Jeroham frum Gedor. I hoap I sai thoze namz rite. If not - sorri bout dat.

8 Sum Gadites ran awai 2 lik David's fur at hiz dezert fortrus. Dey waz lieks to fite wiv soards. Deyr faces waz liek lions and dey ran fast liek gazellz.

9 Cat Army reporting in! Ezer wuz chief, Obadiah #2 boss kat, Eliab nummer 3.

10 Mishmannah wuz fourf, Jeremiah wuz fif,

11 Attai wuz sixcks, Eliel wuz sebbenth,

12 Johanan wuz ate, Elzabad wuz nynth,

13 Jeremiah wuz tent an Macbannai wuz elebbnth. Srsly.

14 Deez Gaditez were commanderz; they totally pwned, the leest pwned a hundred, the graitest pwned a thousand. Srsly.15 It wuz dey hoo croxxed teh ribber Jordan, an sayd 2 teh peepul in teh valleyz, "no u can't haz dis land. GTFO srsly kbai."

16 There wuz odder Benjaminites and soem kittehs from Judah hoo also caem 2 David in hiz foart.17 And teh David goed out to sayed 'Ohai!!1" and stufz and sayed if u mens came nice to halp me an U can has cher of mah cookies or bukkit; but if u bad mens, Ceiling Cat luks n sezz go wai!

18 And den Asamai get relijin and he sayz we like u David, sun uv Jesse. srsly. Weer nummer 1! And then David made dem bosscatz.

19 An tehn summ kittehz frum Manasseh falled to David wehn David bringed Filisteens 2 battul Saul. Bastards said no can has help. Lord uv Filistines sayz they will fallded to Saul.20 An he went 2 Ziklag (I swaer. No made up that name) and there falleded lots of guys wit funny namez hoo wuz captain-kittehs uv teh Manasseh cat-tribe.21 They haz helpd David agenst raiding bandz, cuz all uv themz werr braev warriorz & srsly pwned. Rly. Srsly.22 Mor menz caem to help David, until hiz army big an srsly pwnz. Srsly, liek a Ceiling Cat army.

Hoo wuz in David's armi?

23 Lookit da siz uv David's armi, as he com 2 taek Saul's bukkit and lannd and sheepz an stuff.

24 He can has kittehz of Judah, they can haz sheeld n spear- 6,800 reddi 4 catfite;

25 an he gotz fiter-cats of Simeon, all abouts fiten- 7,100;

26 an mor warrier-katz of Levi- 4,600,27 pluss also Jehoiada 2, leeder uv Aaronz place, with 3,700 sword-kittehs,28 an a kitteh naemd Zadok wit mad fiten skeelz, an bout 22 ocifferz from hiz place;

29 an mor manz of Saul's brudder Benjamin- 3K, mostest of themz wuz friendz uv Saul up til then;

30 an mor kitts uv Ephraim, that wuz srsly crazee braev warriorz, all fameus an stuff- bout 20K;

31 plus lotz of fight-cats frum Manasseh, calld out for to make David bosscat- 18K;

32 plus these kitties of Issachar, they wuz all liek, "yea, we no wut Israel iz sposed to do" — 200 bosscatz, an has there kittehz an stuff;

33 an catz of Zebulun, mad crazee warriorz rdy to srsly pwn u in teh face an can has all kind of sordz an thingz, that was all tight with David an wuz gon help- 50K;

34 an kittehsz of Naphtali- 1K ocifferz, what with 37K manz can haz shieldz and spearz;

35 kittez of Dan (i no this getz srsly old, but almost dun), r all up for fiten - 28K or so;

36 an gotz fiter-cats of Asher, rdy to srsly pwn - 40K;

37 an frm othr side Jordan, katz of Reuben, Gad an teh other Manasseh cat-treibz, wat haz all kind sword an stuff-120K. Woah! serious zerg.

38 These gaiz wuz all gonna fite cuz tehy wantd to, not cuz tehy wuz told or somthin. So tehy come to Hebron all rdy to made David bosscat of Israel. Teh other Israelites wuz witt tehm.39 The soljah-kittehs wuz drinkin wif David 4 three dayz, an havin cheezburgerz, their familiez made picnic lunchz forr tehm.40 Kitteh army can haz feest! Neybors frum Issachar, Zebulun an Naphtali no haz truks. Too long aggo fur taht. So to bringz foodz, tehy yooz dawnkiis, 1-hump an 2-hump camelz, myoolzs and stoopid oxen. They eetz guud fooodz maid uv fishez, Fancy Feast, wyne, kitty treats, Friskies, moo-cowz, baa-sheepz, Whiskas an morr fishez. All Israel sayz "Hooray, we can haz armee!"

1 Chronicles 12
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