Numbers 31

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Old Testament
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Pwning teh Midianites

1 Ceiling Cat was laik, moses2 pwn teh Midianites for teh j00s so tehy wil laik u.

3 so Moses was laik, "Giv teh d00dz laik bfgs n chainsaws n stuf 2 pwn teh lamzor midianites for Ceiling Cat."4 "Send laik i dunno 1K d00dz to fite frm each of teh crewz of Israel."5 So laik 12K d00dz has power-ups 2 100%, laik 1K frm each crew in Israel.6 Moses was laik gtfo n fite ffs, so laik 1K from each crew, w/ Phinehas son of Eleazar, teh preest, who took laik holy stuf w/ him frm church n signal trumpets.

7 They fited at Midian, as Ceiling Cat tol Moses, and pwned al teh d00dz.8 Som of teh pwnd d00dz was Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and Reba—the five laik hed d00dz of Midian. They also pwned Balaam son of Beor with lvl 141 Blade of Savagery.9 Teh Israelites yoinked all teh Midianite women and goatz and stuf.10 Tehy burns all teh towns n stuf wtf.11 Tehy takes all teh booty + teh ppl n goatz,12 Tehy brings all teh booty + teh ppl n goatz 2 Moses and Eleazar teh priest n teh Israelites @ teh camp on teh planes of Moab, by the Jordan cros from Jericho.

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13 Moses, Eleazar teh priest and all the big guys was laik wtf.14 Moses were pissed w/ teh mane d00ds taht camed back frm teh fite.

15 N moses was laik, "has sav teh chiks?"16 "check it, tohse chiks gived teh clap to Ceiling Cat's ppl wtf"17 "K, so kil teh n00b lttl boyz 2 deth, n kil al teh sluts taht has secks w/ d00dz. DO NOT WANT"18 "But teh lttl girlz taht has no secks w d00dz can liv so u can has pedo buttsecks w tehm n stuf cuz Ceiling Cat is pedo." nfw

19 "K anybdy taht kilt anybody or touched anybdy taht kilt anybdy gtfo 4 a weeks. On day 3 n 7, has shower w/ yr slaves.20 Cleen al teh stuf u stoled. Has blud on it ffs lol.

21 Then Eleazar the priest was laik, "Ceiling Cat sez if duz not burn, cleen w/ fire. If burns, put on perma pres cycle, fluf dry.22 Gold, silver, bronze, iron, tin, lead,23 N stuf taht not burns, put in fire 2 cleen.24 Day 7, wash ur close and u does not smel. Now U can come bak 2 camp n has cheesburger."

Splitin teh Virgin Booty

25 N Ceiling Cat was laik,26 U n Eleazar teh priest n teh leet h4x of eech crew makes list of booty u stoled in teh fite, ppl n aminals 2.27 Divy teh booty halfzies, n gives haf to teh d00dz taht fited and haf to teh luzers taht stade home.28 U gives Ceiling Cat his cut first out of teh army's stuf--one of every 500 d00dz n cattle n lambs n sloths n orangutans n fruit bats srsly.29 U gives taht junk to Eleazar for Ceiling Cat.30 From teh j00s haf, u takes one of evary 50 d00dz n cattle n lambs n sloths n orangutans n fruit bats srsly. Tehn gives it 2 teh Levites, cuz tehy is in Ceiling Cat's Tabby-nacle polishing him's puter.31 So Moses and Eleazar teh priest did laik Ceiling Cat says.

32 The res of teh booty was 675,000 sheeps and goatses,33 72,000 catle,34 61,000 asses,35 and 32,000 virgin gurlz.

36 Haf teh booty wents to teh fiters. Was a bunch of virgin goatses,37 and haf teh goatses belongs 2 Ceiling Cat.38 Bunch o catle 2, n some was 4 Ceiling Cat 2 has.39 Lots o asses 4 Ceiling Cat.40 16,000 VIRGINS OMGWTFBBQ n Ceiling Cat can haz 32!41 Moses gives Cieling Cat's virgins to priest wtf.

42 Haf teh booty, j00s can has, n Moses taked it frm teh fiter d00dz haf cuz he canz.43 It was a bunch o sheepses and goatses,44 Bunch o cattle, is i repeet my sefl???45 Bunch o asses. wtf i can haz alzhymerz.46 and 16,000 VIRGIN GIRLZ OMGWTFBBQ!47 Frm teh haf teh ppl can has, Moses takez 1 o evry 50 slaves n aminals to the j00s, Moses taked 1 o evry 50 slaves and aminals and gives to teh Levites, who is in teh Ceiling Cat's tabby-nacle polishin himz puter. Ceiling Cat tolded Moses 2 do tihs stuf 4 sum reesin.

48 Tehn all teh mane d00dz cumz to Moses49 and was laik, “We, ur pee-ons, hav chek teh heds-up disply; n nun o our d00dz was pwned n batl nfw!50 So u can has gold we stoled n givz to Ceiling cat frm our cut of teh booty—gamez controlrs, bootleg dounlouds, frenship bracelets, iPhons, and iPod nanos. This stuf wil proly makes Ceiling cat laik us r sumthin i gues wtf.

51 So Moses and Eleazar the pries has teh gold from all the main fitin d00dz—all kinds of blingage and kewl junk.52 All tihs stuf weigheded bout 420 pounds. Keeps reedin. Tihs stuf wil be importint. Trus me lol!53 All the fiter d00dz had taked some booty for tehmself.54 So Moses and Eleazar teh priest takes teh gifs from the ocifers and brings teh bling bling junk to teh Tabby-nacle as a wai 2 say 2 Ceiling Cat, "O hai! Member not to pwn us cuz I are frend kthx!"

Numbers 31
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Leviticus Deuteronomy Numbers 30 Numbers 32

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