Numbers 21

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Old Testament


Arad Gets PWNED!

1 Kyng Arad teh Canaanite foun owt taht Israel nayshun wuz cummin along teh rode to Atharim. He atakked Israel an capchurrd sum ov thair kittez.2 Tehn Israel Nayshun prayz to Ceiling Cat "Oh hai! U giv us bak owr Israel kittehz an we promis 2 trash an pwn their Canaanite sitteez. Kthxbai."3 Ceiling Cat alwuz comez throo. Israel gotz their kittehz bak, so tehy bust up Canaanite citiez an kittehz real good. Ruinz got teh name uv Hormah.

Teh Bronz Snaik

4 Tehy lookd at teh Google Maps an wer going on teh rode frum Mount Hor 2 teh Red Sea, goin passt Edom. But teh Israel kittehs gotz in-pashents.5 Tehy whine an complane an say verry bad thingz abowt Ceiling Cat an Moses, liek: "Egyp waz bettr tahn dis. Wheel die in teh desert! Wer's R bred an our wadder? Our food no tayst good."

6 Ceiling Cat wuz angries and furrius! He droppd off sum poizon snaiks wif teh Israelites. Oh Noes! Teh snaiks bites many ov teh kittehs an tehy is killd dedded.7 Teh kittehs uv Israel wennt 2 Moses an sayz "We is sorries for arr Invisible Errors agenst Ceiling Cat. We askxs yu 2 prai to Ceiling Cat for hav snaik remoovel." So Moses prayz.

8 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses: "Oh Hai! Heer iz recipee for snaik-poizon-go-away. Maik faik snaik an stik it on a longe stik. Enniwun hoo haz been bited by a reel snaik can has luuks at teh faik snaik an will getz better.9 Moses maiks faik snaik outta bronz an stiks it onna teh stik. All kittehs hoo getz snakebit justt had 2 luuk at teh bronz snaik an tehy livved. Tehy iz Happycats.

Teh Israelites Mosey on 2 Moab

10 Teh Israelite kittehs an Moses nevr stopz roamin. First kamp out at Oboth.11 Oboth not guud enuff. Tehy move on to Iye Abarim, nawt farr frum Moab.12 Tehn on 2 teh Zered Valley.13 Nexx tehy goes to Arnon, wich iz on teh bordr ov Moab an teh Amorites.14 An tehy dun wrote in ther buuk uv Israelites-fitin-warrs that15 tehy gotz to Moab. No warrs recintly.

16 Tehy movez on 2 Beer. An tehy can has beer? No! Ceiling Cat sez "Oh hai. Beer chust a naim fur this plaice. You getz water insted." Israel no complaynz. It'z a dezert, afterall.

17 Israel kittehz meow a song "O well uv watterz! Comez out of growndz. Letz sing..."

18 "...abowt teh well teh topcatz digz owt uv grownd. Teh topkats wid all teh bling". Tehn kittehz moov on2 Mattanah.19 Tehy keepz travlin. Nex stops iz Nahaliel an Bamoth.20 Tehn on2 plaice in Moab valli wer Pisgah meowntain rearz its ugli head over teh wasted-land.

Sihon and Og Get PWNED

21 Israel sentz messenjah-kats on2 Sihon bosskat kyng uv Amorites. Tehy askx:

22 "Oh hai! We be guud kittehs. We can haz go acroxx yer contree? We no eatz yer fuud. We no drinx yer watter. We stayz on teh rode. K? Thxbye."

23 Sihon no wuz smart. He wantz catfite! He bringz Amorite soljah-kittehs 2 Jahaz an battlz wit Israel.24 Israel winz! Israel 1 - Amorites 0. Sihon iz sord-stabbz to deth. An Israel taiks ovr Amorite contree, rite to Ammonite bordrz.25 Israel pwns an occupyz all Amorite citees, even Heshbon an suburbz.26 Heshbon wuz sitee of now-dedded Sihon hoo had tuuk land-grouwnd offa teh topcat uv Moab.

27 Histree flashbak - Teh poetz sez "Letz put Heshbon bak togedder.

28 "Sihon had dun left Heshbon and pwned Moab'z kittehs in Ar. Srsly.

29 "Oh Noes, Moab! U R busted up reel guud. Kittehs uv Chernosh. Yur sonz all runz awai. Yu dawters R slaiv-gurls 4 Sihon topkat uv Amorites.

30 "But Israel dun haz winned an bustd up Heshbon and suburbz all teh wai to Dibon, Nophah an Medeba. Busted up reel good."

31 Israel can haz contree an setz up in Amorite-landz.

32 Moses sendz owt spies-cats 2 Jazer, an soon afftr Israel beats up taht area an drivz awai teh Amorites livvin ther. "You goes awai nao!"33 Tehn evriwun is off up teh rode toward Bashan, to meetz wif Bashan topcat Kynge Og. Hee bringz Bashan armee 2 meeting. Thiz meetng iz akchually sword-fite battl.

34 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses "Go ahed an fite! I maik yur battle win with teh Amorites. Nao it happenz agen. Doant be skeered. Yu getz to defeet thiz new armee and getz all ther landz an cheezburgrs."

35 So Israel kittehs killx Og an hiz suns an all hiz armee. They winzors all teh landz an stuffs. Yay fur Israel!

Numbers 21
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