Numbers 18

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Old Testament
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1 An Teh Ceiling Cat said unto Aarooooon, "Hai! How yu doin'? yu an yur kitteh boyz an yur Tom's haus w/joo gon git pwned cuzza bad thngs wha happen in yer church lol: an yu an yur kitteh boyz w/joo gon git pwned cuzza bad thngs wha happen in yer preesthood, LOL!


2 "An yur kitteh broz also uv the tribe uv Levi, teh tribe uv yur Tom, bring dem w/joo that dem may be joined unto joo an minstur unto joo: but yu an yur kitteh boyz w/joo shall minstur before Teh Church Uv AiSeezU. 3 An dem shall keep yur charge, an the charge uv all the TabbyNackerd: only dem shall not git neer teh church bottelz or the hoomnz tabbel, that neither dem, nor joo also, git sprayd wet bad. Srsly. 4 An dem shall be joined unto joo an keep the charge uv the TabbyNackerd uv All Teh Ceiling Cat's lil kittehz, for all the service uv the TabbyNackerd: an dun bee uh stranger. 5 An joo shall keep the charge uv teh church, an the charge uv the hoomnz tabbel: that there be no sprayd wet bad srsly upon the Izrale kittehz. 6 An Ai, ChekItOut! Ai have taken yur Bro Cats teh Levites from among the Izrale kittehz: to you dem are given as a gift for Teh Ceiling Cat, to do the service uv the TabbyNackerd uv All Teh Ceiling Cat's lil kittehz. 7 Demfurz yu an yur kitteh boyz w/joo shall keep yurin preest's office for everthing uv the hoomnz tabbel, an within the vail; an joo shall serve: Ai have given yurin preest's office unto you as a service uv gift: an the stranger wuz noiz bah BeeJoe Cat whut sidz w/RIAA OMGWTF??!! Srsly."


8 An Teh Ceiling Cat sed to Aarooooon Cat, he sed, "ChekItOut! Ai also have given joo the charge uv mine heave offerings uv all the hallowed things uv the Izrale kittehz; unto joo have Ai given them by reason uv the catnipz, an to yur kitteh boyz, by an ordinance 4EVARZ! 9 This shall be yurz uv the most Gud things, reserved from the fire: ever oblation uv demz', ever meat offering uv demz, an ever sin offering uv demz', an ever trespass offering uv demz' which dem shall render unto me, shall be most Gud for thee an for yur kitteh boyz. 10 In the most Gud place shalt yu eat it; ever male shall eat it: it shall be Gud unto thee. 11 An this is yurin; the heave offering uv their gift, with all the wave offerings uv the Izrale kittehz: Ai have given them unto thee, an to yur kitteh boyz an to yur kitteh grrlz with joo, by a statute 4EVAR: ever one that is clean in yur haus shall eat uv it. 12 All the best uv the oil, an all the best uv the wine, an uv the wheat, the firstfruits uv them which dem shall offer unto the Ceiling Cat, them have Ai given thee. 13 An whatsoever is first ripe in the land, which dem shall bring unto the Ceiling Cat, shall be yurin; ever one that is clean in yurin haus shall eat uv it. 14 Everthin devoted in Izrale shall be yurin. 15 Everthin that openeth the matrix in all flesh, which dem bring unto the Ceiling Cat, whether it be uv hoomnz or NotCat, shall be yurin: nevertheless the firstborn uv hoomnz shalt yu surely redeem, an the firstling uv unclean NotCats shalt yu redeem. 16 An those that are to be redeemed from a month old shalt yu redeem, according to yurin estimation, for the money uv five shekels (wutzah shekel?), after the shekel uv teh church, which is twenty gerahs (wutzah gerah?). 17 But the firstling uv a cow, or the firstling uv a sheep, or the firstling uv a goat, yu shalt not redeem; dem are Gud: thou shalt sprinkle their blood upon the hoomnz tabbel, an shalt burn their fat for an offering made by fire, for a sweet savour unto the Ceiling Cat. 18 An the flesh uv them shall be yurin, as the wave breast an as the right shoulder are yurin. 19 All the heave offerings uv the Gud things, which the Izrale kittehz offer unto the Ceiling Cat, have Ai given joo an yur kitteh boyz an yur daughters with joo by a statute for ever: it is a covenant uv salt for ever before Teh Ceiling Cat unto joo an to yur seed with thee." whew! Teh Ceiling Cat talks a lot!


20 An Teh Ceiling Cat sed to Aarooooon Cat, He sed, "Thou shalt have no inheritance in their land, neither shalt yu have any part among demz: Ai am yur part an yurin inheritance among the Izrale kittehz. 21 An, ChekItOut! Ai have given the children uv Levi all the tenth in Izrale for an inheritance, for their service which dem serve, even the service uv the TabbyNackerd uv All Teh Ceiling Cat's lil kittehz. 22 Neither must the Izrale kittehz henceforth come nigh the TabbyNackerd uv All Teh Ceiling Cat's lil kittehz, lest dem bear sin, an git sprayd wet bad. Srsly. 23 But the Levites shall do the service uv the TabbyNackerd uv All Teh Ceiling Cat's lil kittehz, an dem shall bear demz bad thngs: it shall be a statute 4EVAR throughout yerin generations, that among the Izrale kittehz dem have no inheritance. 24 But the tithes uv the Izrale kittehz, which dem offer as an heave offering unto the Ceiling Cat, Ai have given to the Levites to inherit: Demfurz Ai toldem, Among the Izrale kittehz dem shall have no inheritance."


25 An Teh Ceiling Cat sed to Moses Cat, He sed, 26 "Whn joo see Teh Levites, joo tellem 4 Me, When joo take uv the Izrale kittehz the tithes which Ai have given you from dem for yerin inheritance, then joo shall offer up an heave offering uv it for the Ceiling Cat, even a tenth part uv the tithe. 27 An this yurin heave offering shall be reckoned unto you, as though it were the corn uv the threshingfloor, an as the fulness uv the winepress. 28 Thus joo also shall offer an heave offering unto Teh Ceiling Cat uv all yurin tithes, which joo receive uv the Izrale kittehz; an joo shall give demuv the Ceiling Cat's heave offering to Aarooooon Cat the priest. 29 Out uv all yurin gifts joo shall offer ever heave offering uv the Ceiling Cat, uv all the best demuv, even the hallowed part demuv out uv it. 30 Demfurz joo tellem, when joo have heaved the best demuv from it, then it shall be counted unto the Levites as the increase uv the threshingfloor, an as the increase uv teh winepress. 31 An joo shall eat it in ever place, joo an yurin hausholds: for it is yurin reward for yurin service in the TabbyNackerd uv All Teh Ceiling Cat's lil kittehz. 32 An joo shall not do bad thngz by reason uv it, when joo have heaved from it the best uv it: neither shall joo pollute the Gud things uv the Izrale kittehz, lest joo git sprayd wet bad. Srsly.


Numbers 18
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