Nehemiah 2

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Old Testament

1 In teh month (not teh car, n00b!) uv Nisan in teh 20th year of King Artaxerxes wen dey brot him hiz wine, I taeks teh wine & he can haz it. I had nvr bn srs near him b42 so teh King ast me "O hay, wtf d00d, why u so srs wen u not sick? U must be rilly sad, wtfbbq?" & I wuz skeered.3 but I sez to teh king, "oh hai, teh city where I iz from haz been pwned and itz gatez all burn up."

4 & teh king sez 2 me, "So wut u want?" & I prayz 2 Ceiling Cat5 & I answerz teh king, "Oh btw if u liek I cn go tehre & fix it all up."

6 Then the king (wif queen Bside him) ast me how long it takez to do & wen I get back to give him hiz wine so I makez sumpin up.

7 & I sez "Oh btw if u liek can I haz passprt so teh governorz of Trans-Euphrates not eatz me?8 & can I haz woodz to build wif?" & Ceiling Cat makez 4 sure I haz all this & cheezburger 2.9 & I goez to teh governorz & givez them my passprt. & teh king sent me wif army 2, wif lazors & stuffz.

10 Wen Sanballat the Horonite and Tobiah the Ammonite hearz this tehy wuz srsly pissed and wuz liek wtf? Cuz tehy did not liek teh Israelites.

11 I goez 1 Jerusalem an stayz 3 days12 I goez @nite wen v. dark wif a few d00ds. I wuz keepin secret wut I wuz tehre 2 do. & I rided one horz, & no 1 else got any horzes bcuz I r0kks.

13 & bai nite I goez thru teh Valley Gate to teh Jackal Well & teh Dung Gate (wtf? iz liek cat flap 4 poops) & I saw that teh wallz had bin srsly pwned & teh gates hackz0red wif lazors & burnded.14 Then I goez twrd teh Fountain Gate & teh King'z Pool but my horz cudn't get thru bcuz he wuz 2 fat wtf;15 so I goez up teh valley in teh dark (& its gud my eyez r lazors lol) & inspeckt teh wall. Finally, I comez back thru teh Valley Gate bcuz teh Poop Gate smellz like teh uzed kitty litter.16 no 1 of priesties or officialz knowz wut I didded bcuz I is l33t & didn't tell em taht they wud do all teh workz of buildin wile I sittin on my horz & watchin.

17 I sez 2 em, "U see taht Jerusalem been pwned & itz gates laz0red & burnded. Letz rebuild it & not b pwned anymoar."18 an I tellz em teh king Artaxerxes wuz payin & taht Ceiling Cat wuz in on it 2. Thei sed "Letz rebuild" & tehy started workin.

19 But Sanballat the Horonite, Tobiah the Ammonite official and Geshem the Arab were srly wtf & called us n00bz & ast if we wuz hackz0ring teh king.

20 & I sez 2 em, "Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate & all Jerusalem base r belong to us."

Nehemiah 2
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