Nehemiah 13

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Furrynrs goed awai from Izreel

1 Oh hai. My name iz Nehemiah. Dis one dai, dey redded from teh book of Moses wif all doods earses pointed at dem. Ai guess dey never readed it befour, cuz dey iz just rewliez dat no ammonite or moabite iz ever allwed intwo teh assmbelai of Ceiling Cat!2 Ammonite doods and moabite doods wuz srsly askin four diz cuz dey no gived izreelites cheezburger, an dey eiven payed sum faek ceiling cat two cursed teh izreelites. Oh noes! Gud ting real Ceiling Cat maek faek ceiling cat curse intwo cheezburger for izreelites!3 All doods earses heared what Moses sai, an dey make teh ammonites an moabites runs awai from izreel, cuz izreelites haz spraid dem wif hoes.

Nehemiah iz Changin Stuffs

4 Wai bfour teh furrynrs iz awai, dis preast Eliashib, iz tempwrary hed of assmblai of Ceiling Cat, an him iz cuzzins or broters or sumthin wif dis dood Tobiah two,5 an Tobiah iz runnin back to izreel ai guess, so Eliashib iz moved all cheezburger an catnips out of Ceiling Cats hous to maek room for Tobiah. Tobiah iz gonna luv his room cuz it smell like cheezburger. But maiby Ceiling Cat no liek Eliashib movin all cheezburger! Also, catnips iz supposividely gift four sum preasts an other doods. Oh noes!6 Iz haz nothin two do wif dis, cuz ai wuz wif King Artaxerxes in babylon. Yuz asked him if yuz no beleev ai! Den Iz leafed teh King,7 an ai caem back two jerusalem. Iz seen what Eliashib haz did two Ceiling Cats hous four Tobiah,8 an ai iz not purring at all. Ai sees Tobiah haz sofas an stuffs in Ceiling Cats hous, so ai scratches it an ai throws it all awai. Srsly.9 Den ai cleans Ceiling Cats hous, an ai puts teh cheezburger an catnips back where dey belongs. Ai hopes Ceiling Cat not be two mad.

10 Ai haz seed dat the catnips no haz given two teh preasts an other doods, so ai give it dey.11 An den Iz said two all teh leaders "SRSLY, WAI YUZ NO RESPECK CEILING CAT AN HIM HOUS?! WAI?!?!" An den ai maed dem acted wriet.12 Den all teh izreelites haz putted teh cheezburger an catnips awai, an dey haz no eated dem.13 An Iz maed Shelemiah an sum other dood watched teh cheezburger an catnip two maek shur dey no iz eated.14 Ai srsly hopes Ceiling Cat apprwecaet good stuffs Iz doed four Him.

Nehemiah iz Changin Restings Dai

15 Iz seed yuz doods makin wien wif yu feets on teh dai ov rest. Yuz also doed moar werk an carrain tings an evan doed stuffs wif donkais. Yuz evan bied cheezburger on teh dai ov rest, an YUZ HAZ EATED DEM!16 Deez tyrian doods, dey haz also browt yuz fish an tings on teh dai ov rest, an YUZ HAS EATED DEM TWO!17 SRSLY, ai noooo tink Ceiling Cat iz liking all yuz workin on him dai ov rest! Yuz nevar workin; yuz veree veree veree lazee, so wai yuz workin on dai ov resting?! WAI??!!18 Yuz doods haz two respek Ceiling Cat moar oar him oblitarait yuz lik him doed two yuz mommies an yuz daddies. Yuz annoi teh Ceiling Cat, den yuz ded. Srsly.

19 Teh sun iz goin doun on Caturday an twomrrw iz teh dai ov rest, so Iz lokked all doods up so dey no doed bad stuffs. Teh Ceiling Cat is irwassebel, so Iz pawtrol all ovar in teh niet two maek shur dat doods no doed badstuffs.20 Doods dat sells cheezburger an catnips waz no happah,21 so Iz said reel lowd: "YUZ EVAR COEM BAK HEER AN IZ KILLED YOU. Srsly, yuz be ded." Dey doods said "oh noes" an dey ran awai evan moar fast den teh doods Izreelites spraid wif hoes.22 An ai maed all teh Izreelites rest on teh dai ov rest. Iz srsly hopes dat Ceiling Cat iz paing attnshun two dis cuz Iz srsly doed good stuffs four him.

Nehemiah Stops Intarwraciel Marreges

23 Doods wuz marrain all deez furryn kittehs,24 an moast ov deez furryn kittehs no iz evan speekin liek normoul doods, an der smawlewr kittehs wuz speekin all weerd two,25 so Iz got srsly vilint wif dem, an ai clawed der ears and furs, an ai said srsly loud "WAI?!?! WAI YUZ NO MARRAI GOOD JEWESH DOODS?!?!" An ai keeped screemin at dem an asken dem wai. Iz no happah at all. Ai no evan sai soree four bitin.26 Ai clawed der whiskars riet off, an Iz saed "evan King Solomon, him a much moar good dood den yuz, but evan him doed badstuffs bai marrain furryn wimmin.27 Ceiling Cat HATE doods wuz marrain intarwracielai. Yuz stai awai from all teh shiksas, Iz tellan yuz. Yuz watch owt, oar Ceiling Cat iz maek yuz ded. Srsly ded."

28 Srsly, evan dat preast dood Eliashib had furryn gwrandkittehs. Iz seed dis, an Iz chased dem so far awai. Iz afraed dat furryners iz taiken jewesh preasts jobs.29 Iz telled Ceiling Cat two nevar let furryners taiken owr jobs, cuz furryners awr bad doods. Pleez Ceiling Cat, nevar furget how bad furryners iz.

30 Iz kleenin Jerusalem ov evraithin furryn, an Iz maed all teh doods Iz no haz chased awai do good tings four Ceiling Cat.31 Iz in ur temples, sacrificen ur catnips. Ceiling Cat: Iz srsly hoeps yu heerin all dis, cuz Iz doed lotsa stuffs four yu, an it no iz eesee. Ai prolly deseerv cheezburger oar sumthin, Iz just sain.

Nehemiah 13
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