Matthew 9

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New Testament

Sick ppls need doctrs lol

1 So den Jebus an teh dissyple kittehs got bak in dere boat and crossd teh beeg waterz to da plaec Jebus use to has livded.2 When JEbus gots outta da boat, some pples brought dis d00d who cudnt walk and stufz. Jebus was liek "Woa!! deze peeppls got sum fayths, srsly" an he ses to teh d00d "no wurries, Iz furgivn ur sinz."3 Den sum snootsey smrt kittehs wuz liek, "Oh noes he jus blastfemd!!1!! lolz!"

4 Jebus pwnd dere mynds, and knews ezakly wat dey wuz tinkin. He sed, "WTF, I totaly heers u wisperin, u stoopid ppls.5 Wat u tink iz eezier, if I sayz 'I furgivs u' or 'get ups, u can be walkin!!!'?6 Well I sho u, meen ppls, dat I can do bofs of dose." So he wuz liek, "d00d, get ups, taek ur stufz and go bak to ur houz lol!"7 So he did.8 An every1 wuz all, "Woaa!!!" an happie dat Ceiling Cat givd Jebus powr to pwn teh sickiness in pples.

A Matthew...Jebus has it

9 So den Jebus, he kep on walkin. Den he seez Matthew workin on sum taxes. Jebus was liek, "O hai, comes wit me lolz!" an Matthew did.

10 Laters, Jebus wuz eetin a cheezburger at Matthews houz wit sum frindz, and den sum shadee ppls all liek cames in n wuz eetin too.11 But teh farisees got crazee mad and yelld sum and sed "WTF?! dese ppls is grose Y U EET WIT DEMS!"

12 Jebus was liek, "Shut up guyz, srsly. Who needin doctrs? Sick ppl, not helthy pples! DUHH u n00bs!13 Member teh scripshur dat sed, 'Iz all bout sum luvn, not religuns lol!' Iz on Urths to help ppls, not hangin out wit farisees dat tink dere so kool and stufs."

Tawkin bout not eetin ur kibblz

14 So wun dayz John da Baptist, he wuz liek "Jebus, I has a fast, mai frindz has a fast, even dose farisees has a fast! Y dont ur disyples has fasts liek us?"

15 But Jebus wuz liek, "Do kittehs act sad on Caturday?! Noes! But wun day, Caturday be gone, den dey fast :( .16 Wud u put sum grose old stuf on ur new cooky? Noes!17 Wud u put sum fresh milks in a leeky bukkit?! NOES!"

D00d has gud fayths

18 Wile Jebus wuz tawkin, d00d frum a tempul sed "Mah dawter, she dide! But Iz not skeered. I knows u can maek her alyve agen if u puts ur paw on her lolz!

19 So Jebus was liek, sure d00d, and dey wuz walkin over dere20 when sum ladie who had a bleedin in hur tummeh snuk up and toched Jebus's furs.21 She was all liek, "if I can jus toch him, I be ok lolz!"

22 Jebus be liek, "wtf wuz dat?!" an den he saw de ladie. He sed, "Oh hai, be happie! U has sum gud fayths, now uz all bettur!!!1!" An she wuz.

23 Den Jebus got to dat d00d's houz frum bfore, an dere wuz a bunch of ppls and sum sad musics.24 "Shoo, ppls!" he sed. "Dis gurl dont be ded; jus takin a napz lolz!" But dose ppls laffed at him.25 But when does ppls lef, Jebus he hold dat gurl's hand, and she be standin up liek woa!!!26 Evrywun heard bouts dis miracul, and dey were all liek, wtf. Srsly.

Jebus fixs sum blind ppls

27 Jebus lef dat houz. Wile he wuz walkin, 2 blind menz follows him, sayin "We can has mercie, Jebus?! Kthx."28 Dey followd Jebus all de wayz hoem. Den Jebus askd dem, "U srsly bleeve Iz can heel u?" An dey wuz liek, "SRSLY!"

29 So he tuchd dere eybals n he sed "Cuz u bleeve so hard, I heels u." Den dose menz cud see like woa!!!130 But Jebus sed, "Dont be tawkin bouts dis."31 But teh menz told evry1 aneewayz. Stoopid menz.

32 Den sum guy hads a demunz. He cudnt evn tawk cuz of dat demun.33 But Jebus PWND!!! de demunz out lolz, den he cud say stufz. Evry1 wuz liek, "ZOMGWTF!!! dis nevr hapen be4 in Isrel!!1!"

34 But da Farisees, dey wuz sayin "He can onlie pwn demunz cuz he wuz da prinz of demunz."

Jebus can has wurkrs?!?!

35 So newayz, Jebus walkd thru menny landz and stufz, heelin ppls and preechin de Gud Newz of da Ceiling Cat.36 He saw lotz of ppls, and felt sorrie fur dems, cuz dey wuz like poor lttl sheepies wit no shperd :(.37 So Jebus toldz his disyplles, "Ok guyz, dere's big hrvest of fudz, but no wurkrs fur gettin dose fudz. Oh noes!!!38 Gotta pray to Ceiling Cat fur mor wurkrs, kthx."

Matthew 9
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