Matthew 6

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New Testament


Jeezus tawt Charity

1 Ceiling Cat is watching you prostrate. pls to be prostrate wif prvcy, kthx.2 so when da ice cream man comes and humans are all leik give me a monie, no big deal k?3 is sekrit.4 Ceiling Cat is watching you compensate.

Jeezus tawt about prayz

5 so yu be all leik MCHammertime and pray jus 2 make it 2day and stuff.6 Ceiling Cat is watching you prostrate but u donut no he is tho.7 ur pray shood not be made of fail.8 Ceiling Cat knows what u donut hate.9 u pray leik dis: Praise Ceiling Cat, who be watchin yu, may him has a cheezburger.10 Wut yu want, yu gets, srsly.11 Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger.12 And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it.13 An leed us not into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. Ceiling Cat pwns all. Him pwns teh ceiling an flor an walls too. Amen.

14 if u sais sry Ceiling Cat will be leik s'ok iz kewl.15 if u donut sez sry Ceiling Cat will pwn u.

Jeezeus tawt about hungriez

16 if you want cheezburger plz to not be cryin. U can has invisible cheezeburger.17 if you want cheezeburger but can't has, get ur hair did.18 Ceiling Cat is watching you abstinate.

Monies in da Ceiling

19 donut hoard all ur monies. They be stealin ur monies!20 Hide da monies in da Ceiling. Ceiling Cat is watching you depos-ate.21 Ur moneies be safe wif Ceiling Cat.


22 if u can hear thru ur eyez you will be momentarily blinded and stuff.23 if ur eyez donut hear lazerz not to be helpings. Iz dark and skurry and stuffs.

Ceiling Cat an ur wurldy poseshuns
Pls to stop havin teh kittehz lulz

25 so i sez, stop havin teh kittehz bout ur lifes, wat cheezburgerz or drinx u is havin, or about ur bodeez n wat u iz wearin. Iz life not moar importint den teh foodz, and teh bodeez moar importint den teh cloathz?26 Lookit teh birdz in teh ceilingz, dey dont be in teh fieldz gatherin teh f00dz or puttin dem away in teh barnz, but teh Ceiling Cat givez dem f00dz anywayz lolz. Wat, u aint more better den dem?27 Who can make teh life longur by havin teh kittehz newayz?

28 And y u be havin teh kittehz about teh raimentz? Lookit teh lileez in teh fieldz. Dey dont work or nuffingz29 but Solom0n cant pwn them even with his pimp outfitz. No rly.30 If teh Ceiling Cat makes teh grass all pritty, and it gets thrwn into teh 0venz 2morr0w, wat about u, peeplz who no beleiv dat much?31 So plz to be stoppin havin teh kittehz n sayin "oh noez, i can has cheezburger?" or "wat 2 be wearin 2dae?"32 Bcuz onlee teh n00bz be havin kittehz about thees thingz, k? Ceiling Cat noez wat u need. srsly.33 Look around first for teh kingd0m and teh r0xorz of teh Ceiling Cat, an u can has all thees thingz.34 So stop havin teh kittehz bout teh fut00r bcuz it have enuff kittehz alreddy. 2dae pwns u enuff. kthxbai.

Matthew 6
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