Matthew 4

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New Testament


Teh temptayshun of Jebus Christz0rz

1 So Jebus taiked hisself 2 teh desert to hang with teh Basement Cat, so Basement Cat cud tri to pwn him2 N he et no cheezburgrz or cookies, even, fr 40 dayz n nites, srsly!3 Den Basement Cat wuz der and sed “O hai if ur teh Ceiling Cat’s bebbeh, makes cheezburgrz outta da rocks kthx.”

4 t Jebus sed “Cheezburgrz am not da best, Ceiling Cat’s wurdz am best,” even tho he rly laikd cheezburgrz, laik, srsly.

5 Basement Cat wuz nt pwned, an tuk Jebus 2 teh tmple ruf.6 sed, “if ur teh Ceiling Cat’s bebbeh, jump off and angelez will cotch u kthx.”

7 Jebus sed it wuz not cool 2 try 2 pwn Ceiling Cat.

8 Basement Cat tuk Jebus in ur mountain, sittin on ur summit, n showed Jebus all teh orsumness of teh wrld, srsly.9 N sed, “All da base r belong 2 u if u am mai BFF, kthx.”

10 But Jebus sed, “STFU Basement Cat, R U DUM? Ceiling Cat am mai BFF cuz he am teh 1337!”

11 Den Basement Cat wuz pwnd, n angelez cam frm Ceiling Cat an gave Jebus all teh cheezburgrz an cookiez an brushded his fir.

Jebus begunz 2 preech, amirite?

12 Wen Jebus founded out dat John wuz in prison he made tracks fr Galile13 An staid in Capernaum at teh c-side bt he dint tak his bukkit an spayd.14 Cuz teh wize Esaias sed15 “In all teh base, laik Zabulon n Nepthalim n teh c n Jordan (yeh even KT Prys) n Galilee.16 Jebus will turn on teh liteswitch fr teh kittenz dat iz sittin in teh dark."

17 Dat iz wen Jebus strted 2 tell teh kittenz, “repent cuz teh kngdom of heaven am at hand btw.”

Teh callin of teh frist desipels

18 Den Jebus bumpded into 2 broz hoo wuz fisherzmen n wuz called Simon AKA Peter n Andrew AKA Lil’ Bro19 N Jebus sed, “Comes wit me n u can b manfisherz.”20 N cuz Jebus am teh 1337, dey wuz laik, “kthx.”

21 N den Jebus met James n John, hoo wuz chillin on a bote wit dair pops, hoo wuz Zebedee frm teh Magic Roundabout.22 N dey also went wit Jebus.

Jebus heels teh sIckly

23 Jebus tuk hs crew roun Galilee, teechin in teh tmples n preechin teh gospel n heelin teh sick.24 N Syria herd all bout his 1337ness an brot all der sick 2, laik teh crzy 1s n teh 1s dat Basement Cat had fiddlded wit, n Jebus heeled dem 2.25 An laik meellions an meellions of d00dz followed Jebus frm all ovr teh wrld.

Matthew 4
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