Matthew 18

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New Testament


Yu must be liek kitteh

1 Den teh disaiplz asked Jesus: "Who is teh graetest in teh Howse in Ceiling?"2 Jesus told a kitteh "yu, stand wif mai disaiplz",3 an Jesus told teh disaiplz: "Yarly, I is telling yu, if yu not become nice like tiny kittehz here, yu nevar gets into Howse in Ceiling.4 If yu is humbull liek littul kitteh heer, yu is graetest in Howse in Ceiling.5 An if anyun axepts an welcoms kittehs like dis in Mai Naem, den tehy also axepts an welcoms Me, an dey can has cheezburger.

Jesus sayz: Yu b keerful

6 But if anyun maeks a littul kitteh to maek an invisible error, dey no can haz cheezburger, 'cos making little kitteh maek invisible errors iz worse than falling into bathtub. Deep bathtub, with claws stuck in scratchpost!7 Oh noes tu wurld for errors! Errors happens, dis troo, but oh noes on teh cat wut maeks teh errors.8 Iffen yur paw cauzez yu to make invisible errors, yu cuts it off if yu knoes wuts best fur yu. For havin lief for evur wifout a paw, iz better den havin all for pawz an burnun in fier for evur.9 An if yur eye cauzez yu to make invisible errors, claw it out and frow it away. 'Cos havin lief wif wun eye is bettar den havin tu eyez and go-un tu teh Hell Fier.

Parable ov teh Sheeps

10 B keerfle not 2 haet teh little kittehs. Cos teh little kittehs has hovr d00ds what alweys sees teh face of my Daddy in Ceiling.11 Cos teh Kitteh ov Kitteh came to save lost stuffs.12 What does u think? If a cat has a hunnerd sheeps, an loses 1, duznt he leaves teh ohter 99 in house, and goes look 4 teh lost 1?13 An if he finds it, ya rly, I sez it, he iz happier for teh 1 he founded den for teh 99 what stayded hoem.14 Just liek dat, our Daddy in Ceiling wants 2 saev every singel one of teh kittehs.

What to do wit bruther what maded invisible error

15 If ur bruther makes invisible error at u, go 2 him in sekrit, and tell him "u did wrong" so no1 els hearz it. If he listens, u can haz a bruther again.16 If he no listen, u gets a few witnisis, and bring witnessis wit u, to maek him listen.17 An if he still no listen, u tells it to all of church! But if he no listen 2 church, u nots enymoar treat him liek bruther. Treat him liek bad cat from teh house across teh road, or liek a cat that is in ur house, drinking ur milk.18 YA RLY, what you messes into a ball of string here on urths, it still be tied up in string in Ceiling. And if you sets sumthing lose on urths, it be free in Ceiling.19 I sez it agin: If two of you cats on urths agree to ask for sumthings, then Ceiling Cat, who is my daddy in Ceiling, he does it.20 Cos if 2 or 3 of you are 2gether and u sez My Naem, I iz with u. Srsly."

Nother parable, about servant

21 Peter had kwestshun. He said to teh Ceiling Cat: "How many tiems do I 4give my bruther if he makes invisible error at me? Seven tiems?"22 Jesus sed to Peter: "No wai, I did not say 7 times. U must forgive ur bruther's invisible error over nine thousand times!23 So teh Howse in Ceiling is liek a king who wanted all dets made fixed wit the cats working for him.24 Kingcat did so and found Workercat what wuz supposed to pay him over nine thousand munney.25 But Workercat no had nine thousand munney. So Kingcat said "Taek his cheezburger away, and sell it so I can haz munney."26 Workercat was very sad and said: "No wai, plz! I can haz moar time, and I pays u ur munney, promise!"27 So teh Kingcat was a nice cat and maded teh debt go away.28 But Workercat found anuther cat what had a det of a few munnies to Workercat. (Not many.) Workercat wuz angry at Othercat and said "U pays me or els!"29 So Othercat was very sad and said: "No wai, plz! I can haz moar time, and I pays u ur munney, promise!"30 But Workercat no gived Othercat moar time. He maded Othercat get locked in box until he payded.31 Lots of cats wer looking an saw whut Workercat did. Teh Lookingcats wuz sad and tolded Kingcat whut happened.32 Kingcat made frowny face at Workercat and sed: "Srsly, d00d, u iz bad cat. I maded ur debt go away cos u was sad.33 Y u not maded Othercat's det go away when he wuz sad?"34 An Kingcat was not happy, and maded Workercat's det un-go away, and said to Torchurcat: "U can scratch Workercat until he gives me teh munneys he owed."35 (Jesus talking again) "An mah Daddy in Ceiling, he does same 2 u if u not 4give ur bruther his invisible errors."

Matthew 18
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