Matthew 15

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New Testament

1 Then Scribes an Fariseez from Jerusalm showed up an sed2 "Y don't ur guyz follow da wayz of teh olden catz? Htey don't wash b4 eatin!

3 Jebus sed STFU ur dum rulez break teh rulez of Ceiling Cat!4 Ceiling Cat sed "Bez u good to papa An mama" and, "iff yuuz disses yur mommacat ur poppacat, you diez."

5 But u say that whoevr sez to his mommacat or poppacat, "U NO CAN HAS! Is for Ceiling Cat!"6 iz gud. But Ceiling Cat hate htat!

1 7Toolz! Isaiah profisized about u when he sed 8 "These kittehs alweyz say gud things about Me but suxx0r!9 But wut they say doez no gud, cuz they teach as Ceiling Cat's lawz wut r rilly only kitteh laws."

10 And Jebus sed to evrybody: "LISTEN UP!11 Iz not wut u eat that maeks u dirtie but wut comes out of u (an I don't mean hairbalz idiot I'm talking about mean wurds an stuf!)."

12 Then his guyz sed "Uhh Jebus thoz guyz r pissed now."

13 But Jebus sed "Evrthing not from Ceiling Cat is gun get killed!14 Who carez about dem? Htey r blinded and so r all der frendz so they will fall into a ditch lol."

15 An Peter sed: "WUT, WUT!?"

16 An Jebus said, "U NEWB!!!17 Look, wut u eat gos in ur mouth ends up in teh litterbox so who carez (srsly who cares)18 But wut u say comes from ur hart so htat's wut realy matterz.19 From teh hart come evil thoughtz, merderz, all teh bad kinds of sexx0rz, stealings (RIAA lol!), liez, an blasfemieez.20 Thez r wut actualy maek u dirtie, so who carez if u eat without washen ur hands!?"

21 Then Jebus an crew went to Tyre and Sidon (where der r lotz of nice beaches an sunshine and such).

22 Then a girl-kitteh frum Canaan showed up an said rly rly loud: "HALP! HALP! HALP, O LORD, son of David! My litl girl-kitteh haz a devil!"23 But Jebus he ignord her. So his disciples were all liek, "Make her STFU!"

24 But he sed, "I wuz sent only to teh lost kittehs of Israel."

25 Then she an wurshiped him an saying, "Lord, halp plz."

26 But he sed, "It is not gud to take the catnip from teh kittehs and give it to strayz!" (NEWBZ)

27 An she said, "Ya, but even strayz eat teh bits of catnip that end up in teh trashcans."28 Jebus sed "Wow, finally sumbody who actualy getz it! I'll totaly halp your kitteh." An wen she went back home her kitteh was OK.

29 Jebus left an cum to teh sea of Galilee. He went up a big hill an sat down. And he wuz like "GGGAAAHHH!!!!!! SO, MUCH, WALKING"30 And liek a bajillion kittehs came to him with all der friendz who were lame (lol NEWBZ), blind, dum (rofl copter), maimd, etc, and Jesus cast cure 3 on all of dem.31 When they saw the dum speak (lol stil funny), an the maimd OK again, an the lame to walk (rofl lame), and the blind to see they were all leik "YEAH!!!! CEILINGCAT IZ AWZOMEZ!!!!!!!!!"

32 Then Jebus sed to his guyz "I haz compassun on teh d00dz, cuz they have lik bin wit me 3 dayz but haz no cheezburgrs, an I wont send them away wifout some cookiez coz they would die an dat wuld be sad.

33 His d00dz were leik "Uhh... WTF? where r we gunna get foodz for them all? We r in teh middl of nowhere an we don't even haz can opener or nething!"

34 An Jebus (probably ticked because srsly he just did this miracle liek 20 minutes ago lol) sed, "Do you haz cheezburger?" An they said, "7 cheezburger an a few fishies."

35 He told teh d00dz to sit down,36 and he took the 7 cheezburgerz and the fishies, and thanked Ceiling Cat and cut them up into bite-size pieces (teh fishes not teh cheezburgerz cuz srsly who wants to eat littl pieces of cheezburger? lol) and gave them to his d00dz an they took teh foodz to all teh ppls37 And all teh ppl eated and were stuffd, an there were 7 baskets full of leftovers.

38 There were 4,000 ppl (not even counting women an kids!).39 An Jebus sent away teh d00dz, and rode invisible bike to teh coasts of Magdala.

Matthew 15
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