Matthew 12

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New Testament
Lord ob teh Caturday

1 At dat timez, Jebus wented thru da grain on Caturday. His desiples wanted moar cheezburger an wuz in the grainfield, eaten dem grains.2 Wen Fairy-sees sawz dis, dey say to he, "N00b, ur desiples be offendin Ceiling Cat on Caturday!!1!1!!"3 Jebus den say, "Haz yu not readz abot wotz David didz wen he an him compinyuns waz hungryz?"4 He enterz Ceiling Cat's home an eated his cheezburgers, maybe you is read dat.5 Or hasnt yu readz dat priestz work on caturday but them stillz inocents?6 Iz tellin yu dat sumfin moar better than teh temple ist here.7 If youz haz knowed wut dem wordz mean, 'I can has mercy, not sackerfice,' yu not wud has condemened teh inocents.8 For teh sonz of kittehs is lord ob teh Caturday. Srsly!"

9 Goings on from dem places, he wents into teh Ceiling Catz shrines10 an a cat wif a shwirveled paw was der. Dem Fairy-sees wants reason to accuze Jebus, dey asked him "It be lawzful to heelz on Caturday?"11 An Jebus sed to dem, "If yuz has a sheep an it felled in a pit on Caturday, wud yu not helps it out?!12 Duh! Iz lawzful to do gudz on Caturday!!!"13 Den Jebus say, "Giv me ur paw, kthx." Da man doez this, an he wuz maded better.14 But da Fairy-sees went outz an plotted to killz Jebus.

Ceiling Catz Chozen Servent

15 When Happy Cat knowed dis, him went awayz. Many followed him, an him heelded allz them sicks,16 saying themz not to tellz who he wuz,17 Dis is cuz Isaiah wuz sayin dis long agoes:

18 "Heerz my servent, who iz picked.

  teh one ai luvs, wit my catness delightz;

  I maeks him hover laik me, cuz iz fun, srsly;

  an him will bringed justace to them nayshuns of cats;

19 Him not will haf any catfites;

  An yu gonna not heer him yowl in dem streets.

20 Him not gonna break a broozed reed, whatever dem is;

  nether will he makez flickering lightbulb go out;

  till him bringed justace to vick-trees;

21 in hiz name teh catz will put dem hopez."

Jeebus adn beezlebubz

22 Den dey is bring jeebus sum guy who is poseseds by teh basement catz minionsez, and doesz not see or spaeks, adn Jeebus healsez him, adn teh cat cud see andz hear agin. 23 All da pplz say WOWZ!!1!1!! and dey say, "Can dis be da Kitteh of davidz?" 24 But wen da Fairy-sees hear dis,dey sayz, "Itz be beezlebubz, teh prince of basement cat, dat tihs kitteh drivez uotz teh basement catz minionz. 25 Jeebus noez dey is saying dis, and say to tehm, "Ebbree kindgom devidedz agenzt itselfz will b ruined, adn ebbree city or pack devided cantz not standz 26 if ceiling cat drives outz ceiling cat,he is devided agenzt himselfz. howz tehn canz his kigdnem stand? 27 adn if iz drive out teh demonz by beezlebub, whoz do yur kittehz drivez them out? stealin ur stuff if dey is not first tye u up? All da LOLcats who iz not wit me, b aganist me. PPlz will b 4 given 4 der blashpemeings against Jebus, but not against da Holly Spearat.

 U iz makes da treez good, and its fruit delusious, or iz making da treez bad, and its fruit do not want.  
 OMGZ, WHAT U SAY? U is evilz! Da good pplz find goodz out of mine treasures.  I tellz youz, when da day of judge a ment cometh, 

Ceiling Cat willz know wut u iz doing, and he is axe u to splain urself. If Celing Cat is amazeedb by ur perfeket grammer, u is saved.

 Den, da Fairy-sees say, "Waiii, how we know u iz from tech support?"  Jebus says, u iz evilz if you axe this.  I is not show mai 

IDz, but axe dat guy, Jonah. Jonah wuz in ur sea monster, upgrading its ram 4 tree days and knights, and so i iz be in ur earth, uprgrading ur ram 4 tree days n nights. PPlz will mass join my servar, cuz dey see i upgrade moar ram den Jonah. N emportant pplz sayz, where b Solomon, from tech suppprt, and dey is realize Jebus iz bettur.

 Wen da unclean spirat /quit da perzon, it looks 4 a new servar to join, but all iz p-wurd protectad.  Den it says, "Okai, i 

rejoin ur servar," Wen it coesm, there iz pleanty of emtpy slotz, and no admin. And so it calz its friends and dey mass join da servar, and the servar is

laggier than b4.  Dis is wut uz r.
 Whiles he wuz speak, mothership cat wuz want a wurd.  Some1 say, "Look!!!!!!111 Mothership cat is waitin" But Jebus say, "Who b 

mothership cat?" N den he points to da desiples and says, "U iz mothership cat!" Whoevar doez wut Ceiling Cat does want is mothership cat.

Matthew 12
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