Mark 9

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New Testament
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Happy Cat taeks Hiz d00dz 2 teh Meowntins

1 K den he sez, 'Dis wat im sayin to u, sum u kittens gonna b aliev wen Ceiling Cat taeks ovr teh Urfs.' 2 An 6 dayz latr he taeked Petar, Jamse, n Jon up 2 teh meowntins all by demselfs n He transformed LOL. 3 An His shirt ternded teh witest wite n teh Urf, srsly brite. 4 An den Elias and Mosis showded up n dey wuz txtin wit Happy Cat. 5 An den Petar sez, 'Mastr, we shud maek 3 tabrnclz (liek a tiny cherch LOL), 1 fer u n 1 fer Elias n 1 fer Mosis.' 6 He dint no wut els ta say cuz he wuz srsly skeert. 7 An den dis clowd shoded up n teh voyce of Ceiling Cat sez, 'Let me show u mai fav kitten. Mai fav kitten, let me show u him. U lissin to his meows, kthxbi'. 8 An den dey all lookin rownd but evrywon wuz gone but teh Happy Cat. 9 An den dey comeded down frum teh meowntins and Happy Cat sez 'Dont tell nobodi wut happnd hear til I comed back frum teh dedz, k?' 10 Den dey wuz all liek 'WTF he meenz comed back from teh dedz' cuz nrmaly wen u dedz u dont comed back so dey was teh confuse. 11 An den dey axd Happy Cat 'How comed teh kittens dat rite all teh stufs down sez Elais can haz comed back frst?' 12 An Happy Cat sez 'Srsly guise, Elais gotta comed back frst cuz he gotta fix sum shit, den teh script sez teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat can haz suffering. 13 But itz ok cuz he comed back jus now n you d00dz doned good, LOL.'

Happy Cat pwns teh Demanz

14 An den wen Happy Cat got back to hiz kittens thar wuz all these d00dz in there base, makin kwestshins. 15 An course soon as evrybody seen teh Happy Cat they wuz amazd n runned up to Him liek 'Sup?' 16 An den Happy Cat lookded at teh cats who rite down all teh stufs an sez 'WTF is this shit?' 17 An dis one cat sez 'O hai thar Happy Cat, I bringed my kitten, He haz teh deman. 18 Anyplase I taek mah kitten he's full of FAIL an flopz on teh floorz. I axd ur d00dz to fix plz but they are teh n00bs n cuddint do it.' 19 An Happy Cat sez 'Yous all fail at teh faif. WTF wood u peepz do witout me? Bring me ur kitten.' 20 So dey bringded teh kitten an soon as teh deman got naer Happy Cat teh kitten flopz on teh floor an spitz teh foamz liek rabiez LOL. 21 An so Happy Cat axd teh d00d 'Dis bin happnin fer a long tiem?' an teh d00d wuz liek 'Ya, srsly liek ferever. 22 An I even dunkded mah kitten in teh water an lited his tale on fire n nothin werks, d00d plz HALP.' 23 An den Happy Cat sez 'You can haz halp but u gotta believ I'm teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat ferst.' 24 An den teh d00d makes cry an sez 'Srsly I beleev u Ceiling Cat!' 25 Wen Happy Cat seen all teh peepz lookin, He haxxxd teh deman an sez 'STFU an GTFO n00b. No, you cant haz body. Not urs.' 26 An teh deman maed a cry an lefted, but all teh peepz thinkd Happy Cat kilt teh kitten. 27 But Happy Cat gived him His paw an he respawnd. 28 An wen Happy Cat an Hiz d00ds goed hoem dey axd Him 'WFT how can we lvl up to pwn teh demans liek u?' 29 An Happy Cat sez 'U gotta ax Ceiling Cat an starvd, it sux LOL.' 30 An den thay leavded thar an went to Galilee, but they wuz cloked in stealf mode. 31 An Happy Cat teeched tham: 'Teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat getz pwnd by sum d00dz an respawns on day 3. Teh vid will prolly go on YouTube 5 mins l8r LOL.' 32 His d00dz wer all liek 'WTF he meen?' but noen of tham axd cuz thayd be a totl n00b.

Happy Cat teld Hiz d00ds not to maek fites

33 An den thay spawnd in Capernaum, an thay wuz in teh base and Happy Cat axd dem 'O BTW, wut waz u guise maekin fite abowt erleer?' 34 But nobody sed nothin cuz thay wuz maekin fite bout hoo getz to be most l33t wen Happy Cat getz pwnd. 35 An Happy Cat sez to dem all: 'Teh d00d dat try to b teh l33tz getz pwnd an haz to b teh n00b bichboy.' 36 Den he hugz a litl kitten an sez: 37 'Any d00d dat be nice to teh kittenz getz mah lvl up, an mah up iz l33t cuz its Ceiling Cat's mod.' 38 An den Jon sayd, 'We seen dis d00d makin l33t haxxx in ur naem but he woodint join mah clan an I wuz liek WTF d00d.' 39 An Happy Cat sez, 'STFU n00b, if I givded him mah l33t haxxx u gotta b nice. 40 Any peepz dat dont try to pwn us r cool, K? 41 Any peepz dat let you drank there water bowl an sez mah name, getz teh prize. 42 An any n00b MFer dat trys to pwn kittens dat beleev in me gonna get raped. 43 If ur paw trys to pwn a kitten, chopz dat shit off, cuz u liek it moar livin ferever wit 1 paw insted of gettin pwnd in hell liek teh n00bs. 44 Is hot down thar. 45 If ur tale trys to pwn a kitten, chopz dat shit off, cuz u liek it moar livin ferever wit no tale insted of gettin pwnd in hell liek teh n00bs. 46 Is hot down thar. 47 If ur eye trys to pwn a kitten, chopz dat shit off, cuz u liek it moar livin ferever wit 1 eye insted of gettin pwnd in hell liek teh n00bs. 48 Is hot down thar. 49 All you n00bs r gonna burn, LOL, but teh good d00dz get bukket of salt to put it out teh fire. 50 But if teh saltz geos bad, u screwed rite? Dats why u gotta haev teh salts in urselfs, K? Im liek, so hai rite now, LOL.'

Mark 9
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