Mark 8

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New Testament

1 Ther wuz lotsa ppl dere and dei gots no fud 'n stuffz, so Jesus sez everone cum heer,2 I feelz sry 4 theez ppl cuz dey been here laik 3 dayz 'n dey got no cookiez.3 And if I sez "hai! Go home!", dei prolly die or sumthin, cuz sum o dem r liek frm Mars or sumthin!

4 But hsi disciples sez "How we gonna get cookiez heer? Dis is teh sticks, d00d!"

5 And he askd dem: How much cookiez we gots?
  And dei sez sevn!

6 So he tellz everon "Sit!" and den breaks da cookiez! Oh no! He sez to give de crumbs to everon.7 And dei haz some weed, 2, so dei passez dat around.8 So everon has cookiez and gotz hi (Dere mightv been weed in da cookiez, too), and den dei getz wots left over and dere's liek 7 basketz full!9 And dat's after liek 4000 pplz ate cookiez and gotz hi, 2! So he sez "Ok, party ovr! Go home!"10 Den dei getz on a boat and goez 2 Dalmanutha (srsly, dats wut its called!)

11 And so sum Pharisees sez ta sho dem sumtn frm da Ceiling Cat.12 And Jesus sez "I dont gotta sho yu nuttin!"13 So he getz on da boat again cuz he's all pissd off noe.

The Yeast of the Pharisees and Herod

14 His disciples fergot ta bring cookiez, and dei gotz only 1 cookie left!15 And Jesus sez "Don't touch da Pharisees weed or Herods weed."

16 And dei getz confuzd and tinks its cuz dei forgetz da cookiez.17 An wehn Jesus were mayd lern wai tehre were no cookiez him ask wai. "Wut fore do us not has cookiez? (But him alredy new! WTF!)18 Yu ais not werk? Yu eers not werk? Yu has forget?19 Wen ai maded faiv cookiez fore 5000 an not eated dem, hao mini cookiez jar did dem fil?" An dey sed "Twelve."20 "An wen ai maded sevin cookiez fore 4000 an not eated dem, hao mini cookiez jar did dem fil?" An dey sed "Sevin."21 Den teh Jesus ask "Wai do not yu undrstand?"

22 An dey breenged an hyumun dat no can has vizyun. Him want Jesus to tuch him.23 Jesus tuk hyumun frum neone an spitted in him ais. Jesus tuch him an ask if him still no can has vizyun.24 An him luks an sed dat him sea. But teh peeplz luk liek treez. Him crazie. Srsly.25 But den Jesus trai agin an dis tiem it werk. Him sed peeplz luk liek peeplz nao.26 Jesus telled him to avoyd peeplz an run hoam.

27 Laytr Jesus tuk him peeplz to sumwear els; an him ask "Wut duz peeplz sai bout Iz?"28 An dem sed "John teh Babtizt. An sum sez yu Elizyu. An sum sez yu majik fortyun telleder."29 An teh Jesus ask wut him peeplz fink him iz. An Peter sai "Yu iz teh Christ."30 An him mayd dem awl not can telled neone uv teh Jesus.

31 An Jesus teeched him peeplz taht him will be payned an haeted. Den him will be mayd ded. But taht k cuz him not be mayd ded fore lawng!32 An eaven doe him rly srs, Peter not be happy! Him yelleded at teh Jesus. It happen.33 But Jesus were mad an he luk at him peeplz. Him telled Peter taht be liek Basement Cat iz not gud. Him telled Peter taht "Peter liek Urfs stuf, not Ceiling Cat stuf, an taht iz bad." An Ceiling Cat stuf rly iz gud! Him mayk bestest cheezburgers.

34 Jesus telled him peeplz to coem wif him if dey not liek Urfs stuf. "Nofing betar den Ceiling Cat stuf.35 Wen yu not can coem wit teh Jesus yu no can has cookiez. But wen yu coem, Ceiling Cat will mayk cookiez an not eated dem. Dey taist vewy gud!36 Wut iz betar den Ceiling Cat cookiez? Not teh Urfs stuf! Srsly.37 Nofing betar den Ceiling Cat cookiez! Yu can has eated dem oar bad Urfs cookiez. Yu choos.38 Wen yu not coem, Iz get not happy an yuz not can has gud cookiez. Do want!"

Mark 8
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