Mark 5

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Teh Heelin of a Man wif Demunz Insied Him

1 An dey rode invisible bicycle cross da seas, into dis place wif unpronouncable name. (i thinks is gadarenes)2 Wen Jebus got off teh boat, a man wif teh ebil spiwit comz to seez him.3 Teh man livd in teh tooms, an nobuddy cud ty him up.4 Bcuz he wuz rly strong, an cud braek chainz an stuff. Srsly.5 Teh man ranz arownd an cutz himsself wif teh stoenz.

6 Wen he seed Jebus, he ranz ovur to him an he fallz down.7 An he wuz liek "Wut u wantz? Plz not hurtz me, k?"8 Bcuz Jebus wuz liek "O, hai! U getz out of teh man, ebil spiwit, k?"

9 An den Jebus wuz liek "Hay, wutz ur naem?" An teh gai wuz liek "Mai naem iz Legion, bcuz we iz many!" Srsly.10 An teh men wuz liek "Plz dunt maek me leev heer, k?"

11 Lotz of pigz wuz havin fudz ovur on teh hillsydz.12 An teh demunz sed "I can go insied teh pigz, plz?"13 An Jebus wuz liek "O, okai!" an teh demunz went insied teh pigz, and teh pigz ranz in teh water an drownd.

14 Teh gaiz taht wuz watchin teh pigz ranz to teh townz, and dey wuz liek "Hay, gues wut just happend!" and teh peepul went to seez wut happend.15 An wen teh peepz seez Jebus, dey seez teh gai teh demun wuz in, an he wuz fien, an dey wuz skeerd of him.16 Teh peepul taht seez wut happend telld everwun wut happend to teh man an teh pigz.17 An teh peepul wuz liek "Hay, Jebus, cud u leev, plzkthx?" Srsly.

18 Wen Jebus wuz gettin in teh boat, teh man wuz liek "Hay, I can com too plz?"19 But Jebus wuz liek "No wai! U gotta go hoem an tellz everwun wut Ceiling Cat didz, and taht he iz liek totally awsum."20 So teh man leevz, and telld everwun hao awsum Jebus wuz. An teh peepul wuz amaizd.

A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman

21 Wen Jebus gotz to teh othur sied of teh laek, lotz of peepul wuz dere.22 An den sum gai naemd Jairus seed Jebus an fell down. Dis happenz lotz. Maibe sumwun tripz dem.23 An Jairus wuz liek "O, hai. I can haz help, plz? Mai dottr iz rly sik. U can heelz her plz?"24 So Jebus went wif Jairus. An lotz of peepul caem wif dem.

25 An dere wuz a womun dere who wuz bleedin fur, liek, twelv yeerz. Srsly.26 An teh dokturz didnt helpz her, but she payd dem newayz.27 An den she caem to Jebus an tuchd his cloke,28 Bcuz she touhght liek "Maibe if I tuch teh clos, den I getz bettur."29 An she gotz bettur! Yay!

30 Den Jebus knoed teh powr wuz gon. An he askd "Hay, who tuchd mai clos?"

31 An teh disipls wuz liek "Teh peepulz all crowdz arownd u, wai u ask who tuchd ur clos?"

32 But Jebus kept lukin.33 An den teh womun fellz down an tellz Jebus wut she didz.34 An Jebus wuz liek "O, okay. U iz bettur nao. U can go hoem, k?"

35 An wen Jebus wuz speekin, sum gaiz comz frum Jairus's howse, an dey wuz liek "Ur dottr dyed. Sry. U no bothur Jebus nemore, k?"

36 But Jebus ignoard dem, an wuz liek "U not be skeerd, u beleev, k?"

37 An Jebus only letz Peter an James an John follo him.38 An wen dey gotz to teh howse, peepul wuz cryin an stuff.39 An Jebus wentz in an wuz liek "Hay, wai u maek all dat noyz? Teh kid iz sleepn! Srsly!"40 But tehy lafft at him. An den Jebus kikt dem owt, an took teh parntz an teh disiplz an went were teh kid wuz.41 An Jebus wuz liek "Hay, u getz up nao, k?"42 An teh gurl gotz up, an walkd arownd. An teh parntz wuz liek "No wai!"43 An Jebus wuz liek "Dis iz seekrit, k?"

Mark 5
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