Luke 9

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Jesus givz hiz followrz sum wurk

1 Jesus gotted hiz twelv followrz togethr an gived dem teh powr to thro demnz out an heal sick peeplz.2 He sented dem to tel evribodi about Ceiling Cat an heal sick peeplz too.3 He wuz liek, "Doant taek nothin wif u, not evn cookies or muni or an extra shirt.4 Go to a hous an stai dere.5 If peepl iz not niec to u, shaek teh dust off ur feet. Dat wil show dem."6 So dey did.

7 King Herod heared about all dis an got confoozd LOL. Sum peepl sed John teh Baptist wuz bak from teh dead,8 an othrz sed it wuz Elikhat or sum othr proffet who comd bak to lief.9 Herod wuz liek "I know i cutted off John's head, dis iz sumwun else." An he tried to see Jesus.

Cookies for fiev thouzand d00dz

10 Teh followrz caem bak an Jesus taked dem to a town naemd Bethsaida.11 It wuz sposet to be sekrit but evribodi finded out an followded him LOL. He telled dem about Ceiling Cat an healded evriwun who needid it.

12 Around dinnr tiem hiz twelv followrz wuz liek "Send dem awai to find food, deres no McDonaldz around Bethsaida LOL."

13 Jesus wuz liek "U giv dem food, d00d."
 But dey wuz all "We onli hav sum cookies an tuna."
14 (Dere wuz fiev thouzand d00dz an dey wuz all hungri.)
 Jesus sed "Jus maek dem sit down."
15 So dey did.16 Jesus helded up teh cookies an sed "Thank u Ceiling Cat." Den he had teh followrz pass dem out.17 Evribodi eated until dey wuz ful an dere wuz twelv baskitz of leftovrz.

Peter figyrz it out

18 Dis wun tiem Jesus askted hiz followrz in privit, "Who duz evribodi thinkz i iz?"

19 They wuz liek, "Sum sez John teh Baptist, sum sez Elikhat, sum sez sum othr dead proffet."

20 "An who duz u say i iz?" he sed.
 Peter wuz liek, "Ceiling Cat's Christ."

21 Jesus wuz liek "Doant tell enniwun OK."22 An he sed, "I haz to put up wif a lot, an get rejekted by teh importnt peeplz, an get killded, an com bak to lief on teh thrd dai."

23 Den he wuz liek "If u wantz to follo me, u must maek sacrifiesiz an carri ur own cross evri dai.24 If u wantz to saev ur lief u wil lose it, but if u lose it for me u wil saev it.25 What good duz it do if u get teh whoal world but lose ur own self LOL.26 If u is embaerassted bai me, i wil be embaerassted bai u when i comz in mai glori wif all mai anjilz.27 Deth haz a flavor, an sum of u wil not taest it befor i comz bak."

Teh Ceilin Clowd

28 Liek ate dais leitr, Jessus wentz up mawnten to prai to Ceiling Cat, wid Peter an John an James.29 As he praided, he startd lookin wierd an hiz clothez turnded wite.30 An too ppl sed to him, Moses an Elikhat,31 an dey sed he shuld leve at Jerusalem.32 Peter an teh otter doodz wer tirded, but dey keppt aweik, an dey saw teh amazinness of Jesuss and teh too ppl wit him.33 Peter sed to Jesus, "Letz us meik tree boots, wun for all ov u."34 An a clowd apered, an dey went in teh clowd an wer scraed.35 An Ceiling Cat's voize caim frum teh clowd, an he sed, "Dis iz mai sun, u will lissen too wut he sai."36 An wen voice finissed sain, Jesus wuz found aloin. An dey wer kwiet, an didnt tell enniwun.

Jesus haits demnz

37 Neckst dai, wen dey caim daown, lawts uv doods metz them.38 An a man sed, "Plz lookz fro mai sun, cuz he be mai onlee sun,39 an a speert grabz him, an he screemz, an he shaiks till hez got rabiez, an breakz him into peezez, an wont leavez.40 An i assked ur doodz to thro it intu trash, but dey culdnt."41 Jesus sed, "U pplz r messed. Bring ur sun heer."42 Wen he caim, teh demn shuk him. But Jesus sed "U suk demn. Stoppit." An teh boi gotz betterz, an went bak to hiz dad.43 An teh pplz wer al amazzeded bai teh majesty uv Ceiling Cat.

Jebus Telz Bowt Him Gits Deded

44 Jebus telz his lolcats, "Tink bowt all dis, cuz I'z beeing pwnd won dae."45 But lolcats not unnerstand an DO NOT WANT luk stoopid bai axing.

Who Iz l33tist?

46 Den lolcats fite ovr who be l33tist.47 An Jebus tuk a widdel kitten48 an sez "If u feed cute widdel kitten, u feed me, an if u feed me, u feed Ceiling Cat. Widdlist kitteh being teh gratist. Srsly!"

Him Dat Not Ginst Us Be Wit Us

49 John sez "Boss, we seez d00d trow out debils in yr naem, so we tole him 'STFU n00b, ur not lolcat!'50 But Jebus sez "Iz cool, cuz him dat not ginst us be wit us."

Jebus Pwns James an John

51 So Jebus sez "I'z goan to Jerusalem. Srsly."52 An him frnz goed to Samaritan citee to git hotel.53 But hotel sez "U'z goan to Jerusalem. GTFO."54 An lolcats James an John sez "We can burnz citee? Jus liek Elikhat? LOL!"55 But Jebus sez "WTF? We beez teh gud guyz, u n00bz!"56 So dem goed to nother citee wher hotel wuz niesr to dem.

Teh Wannabee Lolcats

57 Den der was wannabee lolcat who sez "I goez wherevr u goez, Boss."58 An Jebus sez "Mowseez has hoels an birdeez has nestes, but I'z got no hoem."59 An him tell nother d00d "Fahlo me." But him sez "Boss, I gots to buri mai dadee firs."60 An Jebus sez "WTF? Soembodee ells do dat. U go preech bowt Ceiling Cat."61 An nother wannabee sez "Boss, I goed wit u, but gots to sae bai bai firs to mai homeez."62 An Jebus sez "Ceiling Cat DO NOT WANT no lolcats who luk bak. Srsly!"

Luke 9
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