Luke 8

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New Testament
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A stori about plantin seedz

1 So after dat Jesus wented around doin his thing, wif hiz twelv followrz,2 an sum ladiez too. He had heald dem from dizeeziz. He had throwded sevn deemnz out of Mary Magdalene.3 Dere wuz also Joanna an Susanna an sum otherz. Dey wuz helpin out, supportin teh rest of Jesuss followrz.

4 Jesus tolded dis stori:5 "A farmr went out plantin seedz. Sum of dem fell nex to teh road. Peeplz stepted on dem an teh birdz eated dem.6 Sum of dem fel on teh rock, an when dey comd up teh plantz drieded out an died.7 Sum of dem fel in teh weedz an gotted choketed.8 Sum of dem fell in teh dirt an dey caem up an teh farmr harvisted lotz moar dan he plantid. So some good caem of it LOL."
 When he wuz finisht he wuz liek "If u haz earz, lissn up."
9 Hiz followrz wundrd what teh stori ment. Dey at leest figrd out it waznt about farmin LOL.10 He said, "I wil let u know what it meenz, but i iz keepin it sekrit from teh n00bz, so dat
 " 'dey can see an not rilli see;
  dey can heer an not unrstand LOL.'

11 "Herez what it meenz k. Teh seed iz teh word of Ceiling Cat.12 Teh seedz bai teh path iz teh peepl who heer, but Basement Cat comz along an taekz teh word of Ceiling Cat out of deir hartz, so dat dey woant bileev an woant be saevd.13 Teh wunz on teh rock iz teh peepl who heer an say "Yay Ceiling Cat" but haz no rootz. Dey beleev for a whiel, but when thingz get hard dey givz up.14 Teh wunz in teh weedz iz teh peepl who heer, but dey getz distraktid bai lief an forgitz about Ceiling Cat.15 But teh wunz on teh dirt are peeplz wif good hartz, who hearz teh word an duzint forgit.

A lamp (srsly)

16 "No wun turnz on teh lamp an den putz it in a jar LOL. He putz teh lamp on teh nietstand so evribodi can see.17 Evrithin dat iz hiddn wil get founded.18 If u haz a lot, u wil getz moar. If u duznt hav much, you wil even lose dat LOL."

Jesuss mom an brothrz

19 Jesus'z mom an brothrz comd to see him but cudnt get thru teh croud.20 Sumwun wuz liek "Ur mom an brothrz iz outsied waitin to see u."

21 Jesus wuz all "Enniwun who hearz Ceiling Catz wurdz an obeiz dem iz mai mothr an brothrz."

Jesus maekz teh storm stop

22 Wun dai Jesus telld hiz followrz "Letz go ovr to teh othr sied of teh laek." So dey gotted in a boat an lefted.23 Jesus falled asleep in teh boat an it startid rainin so hard evribodi wuz liek "O noes!"

24 Teh followrz woek him up an dey wuz all "We iz gonna droun!"
 Jesus gotted up an telled teh wind an teh watr to settl down, an dey did.
25 "What iz rong wif u?" he sed to hiz followrz. "Duzint u beleev?"
 Dey wuz liek "O wow, he can evn giv ordrz to teh windz an watr, huh."

Demnz vs. pigz

26 Dey wented across teh laek.27 A d00d wuz waitin dere. He wuz pozessted bai a demn. He wuz nakid all teh tiem an livd in teh semetari.28 When he seed Jesus he fel onto teh ground an wuz liek "Doan hurt me plz Jesus."29 Jesus telld teh demn to get out of teh man. It wuz alwaiz causin trubl. Peepl put teh d00d in chainz an garded him but he wud alwaiz braek out an teh demn maded him run awai.

30 Jesus wuz liek, "What iz ur naem d00d."
 Teh d00d sed "Lotz," bcz dere wuz lotz of demnz in him.
31 Teh demnz wuz all liek "O noes, plz doant send us to hell Jesus." Bcz evn demnz doant liek Hell, it sux LOL.

32 Jesus letted teh demnz go into sum pigz insted.33 An all teh pigz jumpted into teh laek an drownded LOL.

34 Teh peeplz who wuz watchin teh pigz runned off to tel evribodi. U cant realli blaem dem.35 Evribodi who heerd about it wuz liek "OMG crazi pigz" an ran out to see. Dey found teh d00d who use to hav teh demnz sittin wif Jesus. He wuznt nutz no moar an he wuz evn wearin clothz. Evribodi wuz all "WTF?" an gotted scaerd.36 Dey founded out dat Jesus cured him.37 Dat maed dem scaerd and dey telld Jesus to leev an he did.

38 Teh man who use to be pozested wantid to go along, but Jesus wuz liek, "No,39 go hoem an tel evribodi what Ceiling Cat didded for u." So he did.

A dead grl an a sik womn

40 Jesus wented hoam an evriwun wuz happi to see him.41 Dis d00d Jairus wantid Jesus to com to hiz hous42 bcz hiz onli dauter wuz dyin. She wuz liek twelv.
 So menni peeplz wantid to see Jesus dat teh croudz almos crushted him.
43 Diz womn dere had been bleedin for twelv yeerz an no wun cud help her.44 She sneakted up behiend Jesus an touchted teh edj of hiz coat an she stoppted bleedin.

45 Jesus wuz liek "OK who didded dat?"
 Evribodi wuz liek "not me d00d" an Peter wuz liek "Itz crowdid LOL."

46 Jesus wuz liek "Sumwun touchtid me, I feeld it."

47 Teh womn wuz liek "OMG pwned" an she admittid evrithin.48 Jesus wuz liek "U wuz healded bcz u beleevd. U can go now."

49 Sumwun caem to tel Jairus hiz daughtr wuz ded an dat he shud leav Jesus aloen.

50 Jesus wuz all "Doant wurri, if u beleev she wil be OK."

51 When Jesus gotted to Jairus's house he wudnt let enniwun com in wif him. Except Peter. An John an James. An Jairus an his wief of corse, it wuz deir house LOL.52 Evribodi wuz cryin. Jesus wuz all "STFU, shez jus sleepin."

53 Evribodi wuz all "LOL n00b shez dead."54 But he helded her paw an wuz liek "U can get up."55 An she did. Jesus wuz liek "giv her a cookie."56 Her parintz wuz all "OMG WTF," but Jesus telld dem not to tell ennibodi.

Luke 8
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