Luke 24

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Jesus comz bak

1 Teh ladiez taked sum catnip to Jesus's tomb. Thatz whear he wuz burid.2 Teh stoen in front of it had bin movded,3 but when dey wented in teh bodi wuz not dere.4 Dey wuz kinda confuzed an dese two d00dz showded up. Dere clothz wuz shini liek lietnin.5 Teh ladiez wuz all scareded but teh d00dz wuz liek "Why is u lookin for a livin d00d in teh plaec whaer teh dead d00dz iz LOL.6 He iznt here, he got up! He told u he wuz going to.7 He wuz liek 'I iz gonna get capshrd bai teh bad guyz an killded on teh cross an com bak to lief on teh thrd dai.' "8 Den teh ladiez remembrd an dey wuz liek "We forgotted LOL."

9 When dey gotted bak dey telld all dis to teh elevn followrz dat wuz left.10 Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary who wuz James's mom, an the ladiez who wuz wif dem who tellded teh stori.11 But teh d00dz wuz liek "STFU" an didint beleev dem.12 Peter at leest wented to teh tomb. He saw teh stripz of cloth dat Jesus had been rappted in an he wuz liek "WTF?"

Goin to Emmaus

13 Dat day a coupl of teh follorz wuz goin to Emmaus.14 An talkin about whut had jus happnd, liek u wud expekt.15 Whiel dey wuz talkin Jesus comd up, but he uzded majik so dey wudnt recognaiz him, like Gandalf in LOTR LOL.

17 He wuz liek "What iz u talkin about?"
 Dey got all sad.
18 Wun of dem - hiz naem wuz Cleopas - wuz all "U izint from around here, iz u? Bcz u doant know whatz goin on lateli."

19 "Liek what?" sed Jesus.
 "Liek dere waz dis d00d Jesus," dey sed.
20 Dey killded him on teh cross21 an we wuz hopin he wud saev Israel. Oh an dey killded him three dayz ago.22 Plus dis mornin sum of teh ladiez wented to teh tomb.23 Dey didn't finded hiz bodi but dey tried to tell us dere wuz anjilz dere sayin he wuz aliev.24 Sum of our frendz wented to teh tomb. It wuz empti but dere wuzint enni anjilz dere."

25 He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!26 Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?"27 And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

28 As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus acted as if he were going farther.29 But they urged him strongly, "Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them.

30 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them.31 Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.32 They asked each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?"

33 They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together34 and saying, "It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon."35 Dey tellded what had happnd.

36 OK so de dissiplez iz together, and Jesus is poof appear and liek "Peaz."37 They is all liek "hax!"38 Jesus iz liek "wtf nubs is me."39 Dissiplez is liek "o rly!" and Jesus is liek "ya rly."40 Jesus is liek "srlsly guys. chex out my handz and feetz.41 Dey still not believe, so Jesus is liek "It can haz be food times now?"42 Dissiplez is liek "here haz fish"43 Jesus is like "kkthx" and eated teh fish.44 Jesus is liek "nubs I told joo. it was writed."45 Den Jesus is liek "I open ur minds."46 Jesus is liek "srsly. Iz writed teh messiah sufferz and rizez again from teh ded."47 "Also preech peez with mah namez."48 He is liek "u r all being teh witnesses."49 He is liek "I haz presents, but joo needs 2 waits."50 Den teh Jesus is liek "come out to Bethany" and he is liek "blessins on joo"51 Wile he blesses he is liek go to heaven. srsly.52 The disciplez is liek "praise jebus" and goes back to Jerusalems.53 Then dey is all liek in teh templez, praisin Ceiling Cat.

Luke 24
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