Luke 24

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New Testament
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Jesus comz bak

1 Teh ladiez taked sum catnip to Jesus's tomb. Thatz whear he wuz putted when he kinda ded.2 Teh stoen in front of it had bin movded, witch iz weird cuz it iz so big and stuff.3 but when dey wented in hes bodi wented somewhere else, cuz prolly someone liked it.4 Dey wuz kinda confuzed but gud fer dem cuz dese two birdkatz showd up. Dere clothz wuz shini liek lietnin witch iznt gud cuz itz so loud.5 Teh ladiez wuz all scareded but teh birdkatz wuz liek "Why look for livin kat in teh plaec whaer dead katz iz keeped, LOL.6 He iznt here, he wuz bored so left! He told u leaf if get board.7 He wuz liek 'I iz gonna get found by teh guyz that make me reallies reallies wet, lik under waterz wetz, an put on two big stiks an com bak after 3 dayz cuz 3 daiz to long to sit in cavez.' Yea, wez not sur Y hez do al dat etherz, mebee for fun? "8 Den teh ladiez thinked hard bout stuff an dey wuz liek "Oh, We forgotted LOL."

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9 When dey gotted bak dey telld all dis to teh elevn followrz dat wuz left.10 Mary Magdalene who wuz lik totally hot on Jesuz whoa, Joanna, Mary who wuz Jezuz's old mom (hiz fadder actually Ceiling Kat!), an the ladiez who wuz wif dem tellded teh stori about JezuzKat wak up.11 But teh apoclypsez wuz liek "STFU" an didint beleev dem.12 Peter at leest wented to teh tomb witch wuz a hold in teh wall. He saw peacez uf yarn dat Jesus did got tangleds up in real bad an he wuz liek "WTF?"

Goin to Emmaus

13 Dat day a coupl of teh follorz wuz goin to Emmaus wich iz diz place somewere.14 An talkin about whut had jus happnd wich iz dat JezuzKat wuz sleepin fur long time now, wich make senze they talk bout dat cuz they not have TV or Intertubez too watch.15 Whiel dey wuz talkin Jesus comd up, witch he cud do cuz he not sleepin on da two big stiks no more, but he look diffrent frum befour cuz he felt lik bein tricksie so they think he jus sum uther guy, like Gandalf in LOTR LOL.

17 He wuz liek "How iz yu gentlemenz? What happen?"
 Dey got all sad in da face.
18 Wun of dem - hiz naem wuz Cleopas, but dat not imporant - wuz all "U izint from around here, iz u? Bcz u doant know what happen? Someonez set Uz up da bomb."

19 "What yu sai?" sed Jesus.
 "Liek dere waz dis d00d Jesus," dey sed.
20 Dey killded him on too big stiks.21 an we wuz hopin he wud saev dis hole big cuntry we in. Suprize dow, dey killded him real ded three dayz ago!22 Plus dis mornin sum of teh ladiez wented to teh big hole.23 Dey didn't finded hiz bodi but dey tried to tell us dere wuz birdkatz dere sayin he wuz aliev.24 Sum of our frendz wented to teh big hidey hole. It not haz any ded stuff in it but dere wuzint enni birdkatz dere."

25 Jesus wuz liek "Foolz u iz actin liek n00bz.26 Itz not liek Jesus didint explaen all dis whiel he wuz here."27 So he explaended evrithin in the Bible about himself, from teh beginnin, wich iz lotz of talkin. Dey stil didint know who he wuz k.

28 When dey gotted near Emmaus, witch wuz dat place, he pritendid he wuz goin farthr.29 But dey wuz all liek "Itz dark which iz scary, u can stai wif us plz." So he did.

30 When dey hadded dinnr he taked teh cookies an sed "Thank u Ceiling Cat" an gived dem to evribodi.31 Den dey see hez not jus sum guy, he JezuzKat! So he move "ZIG" like Ceiling Cat lazerz an iz gone LOL.32 Dey wuz all lookin fur he undur dat table like "WTF?"

33 Dey wented straet bak to Jerusalem to teh othr followrz34 an wuz liek "Itz true! Jesus iz aliev an Simon seed him."35 Dey tellded what had happnd.

36 OK so de dissiplez iz together, and Jesus is poof appear and liek "Peaz."37 They is all liek "hax!"38 Jesus iz liek "wtf nubs is me."39 Dissiplez is liek "o rly!" and Jesus is liek "ya rly."40 Jesus is liek "srlsly guys. chex out my handz and feetz.41 Dey still not believe, so Jesus is liek "It can haz be food times now?"42 Dissiplez is liek "here haz fish"43 Jesus is like "kkthx" and eated teh fish.44 Jesus is liek "nubs I told joo. it was writed."45 Den Jesus is liek "I open ur minds."46 Jesus is liek "srsly. Iz writed teh messiah sufferz and rizez again from teh ded."47 "Also preech peez with mah namez."48 He is liek "u r all being teh witnesses."49 He is liek "I haz presents, but joo needs 2 waits."50 Den teh Jesus is liek "come out to Bethany" and he is liek "blessins on joo"51 Wile he blesses he is liek go to heaven. srsly.52 The disciplez is liek "praise jebus" and goes back to Jerusalems.53 Then dey is all liek in teh templez, praisin Ceiling Cat.

Luke 24
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