Luke 24

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New Testament
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Jesus comz bak

1 Teh ladiez taked sum catnip to Jesus's tomb. Thatz whear he wuz putted when he kinda ded.2 Teh stoen in front of it had bin movded, witch iz weird cuz it iz so big and stuff.3 but when dey wented in hes bodi wented somewhere else, cuz prolly someone liked it.4 Dey wuz kinda confuzed but gud fer dem cuz dese two birdkatz showd up. Dere clothz wuz shini liek lietnin witch iznt gud cuz itz so loud.5 Teh ladiez wuz all scareded but teh birdkatz wuz liek "Why look for livin kat in teh plaec whaer dead katz iz keeped, LOL.6 He iznt here, he wuz bored so left! He told u leaf if get board.7 He wuz liek 'I iz gonna get found by teh guyz that make me reallies reallies wet, lik under waterz wetz, an put on two big stiks an com bak after 3 dayz cuz 3 daiz to long to sit in cavez.' Yea, wez not sur Y hez do al dat etherz, mebee for fun? "8 Den teh ladiez thinked hard bout stuff an dey wuz liek "Oh, We forgotted LOL."

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9 When dey gotted bak dey telld all dis to teh elevn followrz dat wuz left.10 Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary who wuz James's mom, an the ladiez who wuz wif dem who tellded teh stori.11 But teh d00dz wuz liek "STFU" an didint beleev dem.12 Peter at leest wented to teh tomb. He saw teh stripz of cloth dat Jesus had been rappted in an he wuz liek "WTF?"

Goin to Emmaus

13 Dat day a coupl of teh follorz wuz goin to Emmaus.14 An talkin about whut had jus happnd, liek u wud expekt.15 Whiel dey wuz talkin Jesus comd up, but he uzded majik so dey wudnt recognaiz him, like Gandalf in LOTR LOL.

17 He wuz liek "What iz u talkin about?"
 Dey got all sad.
18 Wun of dem - hiz naem wuz Cleopas - wuz all "U izint from around here, iz u? Bcz u doant know whatz goin on lateli."

19 "Liek what?" sed Jesus.
 "Liek dere waz dis d00d Jesus," dey sed.
20 Dey killded him on teh cross21 an we wuz hopin he wud saev Israel. Oh an dey killded him three dayz ago.22 Plus dis mornin sum of teh ladiez wented to teh tomb.23 Dey didn't finded hiz bodi but dey tried to tell us dere wuz anjilz dere sayin he wuz aliev.24 Sum of our frendz wented to teh tomb. It wuz empti but dere wuzint enni anjilz dere."

25 Jesus wuz liek "Foolz u iz actin liek n00bz.26 Itz not liek Jesus didint explaen all dis whiel he wuz here."27 So he explaended evrithin in the Bible about himself, from teh beginnin. Dey stil didint know who he wuz k.

28 When dey gotted near Emmaus he pritendid he wuz goin farthr.29 But dey wuz all liek "Itz laet, u can stai wif us plz." So he did.

30 When dey hadded dinnr he taked teh cookies an sed "Thank u Ceiling Cat" an shaerd dem wif evribodi.31 Den dey finally recognized him, so he disapperd LOL.32 Dey wuz all, "WTF?"

33 Dey wented straet bak to Jerusalem to teh othr followrz34 an wuz liek "Itz true! Jesus iz aliev an Simon seed him."35 Dey tellded what had happnd.

36 OK so de dissiplez iz together, and Jesus is poof appear and liek "Peaz."37 They is all liek "hax!"38 Jesus iz liek "wtf nubs is me."39 Dissiplez is liek "o rly!" and Jesus is liek "ya rly."40 Jesus is liek "srlsly guys. chex out my handz and feetz.41 Dey still not believe, so Jesus is liek "It can haz be food times now?"42 Dissiplez is liek "here haz fish"43 Jesus is like "kkthx" and eated teh fish.44 Jesus is liek "nubs I told joo. it was writed."45 Den Jesus is liek "I open ur minds."46 Jesus is liek "srsly. Iz writed teh messiah sufferz and rizez again from teh ded."47 "Also preech peez with mah namez."48 He is liek "u r all being teh witnesses."49 He is liek "I haz presents, but joo needs 2 waits."50 Den teh Jesus is liek "come out to Bethany" and he is liek "blessins on joo"51 Wile he blesses he is liek go to heaven. srsly.52 The disciplez is liek "praise jebus" and goes back to Jerusalems.53 Then dey is all liek in teh templez, praisin Ceiling Cat.

Luke 24
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