Luke 18

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Deh Wihdo Kitteh Hoo Wud Not Stop Meown

1 Den Jebus told his lolcats a storee to teech dem 2 alwayz be prayin to Ceiling Cat n not giffin up.2 "Wuntz upon a tiem, der wuz an offishul tiep kitteh hoo didnt care bout Ceiling Cat or deh udder kittehs, hoo he wuz sposd 2 b heppin.3 And n dat same town der wuz a wihdo kitteh (her huzbun-kitteh wuz ded n she wuz alown). Wihdo kitteh kep askin deh offishul for hep, meown, meown, meown.4 Offishul kitteh wuz meen n wud not hep wihdo kitteh, even tho it wuz his job! Not kewl. But finaleee he sed, 'I duznt care bout Ceiling Cat or deh udder kittehs, srsly,5 but dis wihdo kitteh will not stop meown until I hep her, so I will hep her 2 make her shut up.'6 And Ceiling Cat sed, 'U kittehs heer wat dis meen offishul kitteh sed?7 Do u tink Ceiling Cat will not also heer his kittehs hoo prayz to him all deh timez? Ceiling Cat will not ignore deh meowz of his kittehs. Srsly.8 Ceiling Cat will hep dem, n rite away 2. He wunderz, wen it be Ceiling Cat Kingdom Time, tho, will his kittehs b fatheful 2 him?'"


Storee of deh Farisee and deh Taks Kitteh

9 Jebus told dis storee speshulee 2 de kittehs dat tink theyr bettur dan deh udder kittehs.10 2 kittehs went 2 deh plase where theh do deh best prayinz. One wuz a farisee kitteh and deh udder wuz a taks kitteh, for deh IRS or sumpin.11 Farisee kitteh wuz prayin all stuk-up and arrogant, purrin bout hisself. “Tank Ceiling Cat dat I am a betteh kitteh dan all deh udders—-theevin kittehs, sinnin kittehs, cheatin kittehs—-or lyk dis taks kitteh heer.12 I catch micez twys a week and giv my xtra kibbulz 2 deh chrch, srsly, kthx.13 But deh taks kitteh, he wuz off bai himself. Hiz tayl wuz down, n he wuz not purrin. “Ceiling Cat, forgiv mai nottees, plz?” he sed.14 Jebus sed 2 deh lolcats, ‘dis taks kitteh, not the farisee kitteh, made Ceiling Cat purr. Prowd kittehs will get lokd in deh closet, but humbul kittehs will get 2 lai in deh sun.”


Jebus n the Lolkittnz

15 All deh kittehs wer carryin der kittnz 2 Jebus, so he cuhd be kissin on dem n stufz. Wen deh Lolcats seed it, dey wuz all angree n grumpee.16 But Jebus wuznt angree. He sed, "Let the lolkittnz come 2 me, cuz dey r close 2 Ceiling Cat’s hart.17 Srsly, Lolcats, u shld be meown to Ceiling Cat wid deh hart of a lolkittn."


Deh Selfish Pyoorbred Kitteh

18 A fansee pyoorbred kitteh askd Jebus, “Gud teechr kitteh, how can I b livin wid Ceiling Cat when I die?”19 Jebus sed, “Wai r u callin me gud?” (Trik kwestshun?) “Onlee Ceiling Cat iz trulee gud.20 U no the rulz, anyhow. ‘Dont be cheatin, dont be killin, dont be steelin, dont be lyin, n do be lovin ur mommeh and daddeh.’”21 Pyoorbred kitteh wuz all, “I do all thoz tings, all deh time! Srsly!”22 Jebus sed, “Wun more ting den. Give all ur toyz n ur blankeez n ur nip n ur kibbulz 2 deh allee kittehs. Den u come be wun of my Lolcats.”23 Dis ansur did not make Pyroorbred kitten purr, becuz he luvd all his fansee stufz and wanted it for hisself. Srsly.24 Jebus sed, "Sai. Itz so hard for deh Pyoorbred kittehs to get 2 Ceiling Cat Kingdom.25 I tink it be eezier for a Germun Shepurd doggeh to fit thru deh kitteh dore.”26 Den all deh kittehs arownd sed, “How can a kitteh possiblee get in 2 Ceiling Cat Kingdom, den?”27 Jebus sed, “No wurreez, kittehs cant do it, but Ceiling Cat can do anyting. Srsly.”28 Deh Lolcat Peetur sed, “We left owr wifies n owr humanz n owr howzes 2 follo u!”29 N Jebus tode him, “Srsly. For troo. All deh kittehs hoo left der wifies or der humanz or der howzes for Ceiling Cat, he will be takun gud care of dem on erth n in kitteh hevun 2. No wurreez.”


Jebus Remindz Lolcats Dat He Will B Dyin Soon

1 Wen Jebus wuz alone wit his Lolcats, he sed, “We r headin to Jeroosalem, Lolcats, and deh tings dat deh profet kittehs rote will be comin troo.2 Remembur, dey sed dat I will b giffin over to deh bad guyz, and dey will teez me n hurt me n even kill me.33 But after 3 dayz I will be comin bak, k? Srsly.”34 Deh Lolcatz were still confoozd, tho. Dey wuznt 2 kwik sumtimz. :(


Blind Allee Kitteh Gets Seein Bak!

35 Jebus n his Lolcats wuz neer Jeriko n a blind allee kitteh wuz diggin’ in de trash 4 sum foodz.36 He cudnt see what wuz goin on, but he herd a lot of noyz. He askd de seein kittehs, “Wtf?”37 Dey sed, “Itz Jebus walkn by, kthx!”38 Den blind allee kitteh den meowd, “Jebus, plz hep me!”39 Sum kitteez hoo wuz in deh Jebus parade tode allee kitteh to shut up. But allee kitteh onlee meowd lowder, “Jebus, have mersee!!!1!”40 Jebus stoppd deh parade and sed for deh allee kitteh to come over 2 him. Jebus askd him,41 ”Wat u be needn, alleh kitteh?” Deh blind kitteh sed, “Jebus, I want 2 see, plz, kthx?”42 Jebus sed to him, “Ta da! All fixd! Ur fayth made u bettr!!1!”43 N deh alleh kitteh wuznt blind no more! He wuz so happee he joynd deh parade, prayzin Ceiling Cat. And deh udder kittehs wuz all impressd 2.

Luke 18
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