From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
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|Mark||John||Luke 16||Luke 18|
Nottees n Fayths n Workingz, O mai!
1 And Jebus sed to his lolcats, “U will have lots of temtashuns to be nottee, but u shudnt b taken uther kittehs down wit u.2 If ur a bad influenz on deh littul kittnz hoo don’t b noin bettur, u will b n big, BIG trubul, mistur!3 If u no a nottee kitteh hoo sayz he be sorree, u shud b giffin him kisses n makin up.4 Even if de nottee kitteh steelz ur nip 7 timz in wun day but keepz giffin it bak and sayin sorree, u shud still be giffin him kisses."
5 Den de lolcats sed, “Jebus, we r still confyusd! sho us how 2 git mor fayth, k?”
6 Jebus sed, “If u kittehs be havin even a tinee kibbul of fayth, u can be growin a hole kibbul tree and tellin it wher 2 stand!7 Haipothetikal kwestshun: if u had a hyred kitteh hooz job it wuz to be doin ur workingz, u expect him to b doin the workinz he wuz hyred 4, rite?8 Hyred kitteh getz deh kibbulz after he is dun working, not before.9 In udder wurdz, if he duz ur workingz, then hez just duin what hez suppozd 2 do, not anyfing supurr speshul.10 U kittehs r like Ceiling Cat’s hyred workingz kittehs. He expeks u 2 b doin workz 4 him, becuz thatz what u wuz hyred to do!”
Da Ten Lepurrs
11 Jebus wuz walkin to Jeroosalum wit his lolcats, and dey were sumwhere round Samareea and Galilee.12 As deh Jebus and deh lolcats wuz walkin, 10 itchee grose kittehs came. (Dey was calld lepurrs becuz dey had lepurrsee.) But dey didn’t get 2 close to deh lolcats bc dey noo dey were sik.13 Deh lepurr kittehs said, “Jebus, hep r itcheez pleez?”14 Jebus saw dem, and sed “Hai! I maded u all bettur now! Go show da vet, k?” And deh lepurr kittehs felt bettur!15 Wun of deh was-lepurr-now-bettur kittehs did not go strate to deh vet, but insted went 2 Jebus.16 Dat kitteh rold over and showd Jebus his tummeh, and sed “Tank u!” Dis kitteh was a Samaritun kitteh.17 Den Jebus sed to hem, “I thot I heeld ten of u lepurr kittehs. Ten minus wun is nien, no?18 So how come der only b dis Sarmaritun kitteh tankin me?”19 And 2 da tankful kitteh, Jebus sed, “Go play wid ur toyz now, and ly in da sun. Ur fayth made u bettur!”
Is Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem Yet?
20 Farisee kittehs alwayz be tryin 2 trik Jebus wid hard kwestshuns. Dey askd Jebus when Ceiling Cat will come and set up his kitteh kingdum? Jebus sed, “U farisee kittehs r tinkin 2 hard bout dis.21 U shld be tinkin bout how to surv Ceiling Cat now, not all dis stuff in da fyutchur.”
22 N Jebus told his lolcats, “Sometime n da fyutchur u will be hopin itz Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem, but it wont b yet.23 Udder kittehs will say, “Look! Over dere! Ceiling Cat Kingdom!” But don’t let dem get ur tayl all fluffee. Srsly.24 Wen itz Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem, u will no for shur, srsly. It will b big and brite, like when humanz tern da lite on in da middul of de niet.25 But bfor all dat comz, I have 2 go tru sum bad stuffz ferst. :(
26 Lolcats, remembur Noah kitteh? (He bilded the ark and ‘scaped the flud, k?)27 Back den all de udder kittehs thot dat Noah kitteh was stoopid for bildin a big bote, and dey kept on bein sillee selfish kittehs. Dey were surprizd wen deh rainz came and dey got all wet and dide! Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem will b kinda like dat.
28 Remembur Lot kitteh 2? (He scaped Sodum and Gemoruh’s destrukshun, k?) Deh kittehs he noo wuznt payin attenshun to Ceiling Cat eethur.29 N then wun day WHOOSH! FIER BALL! N all the stoopid kittehs wer liek, 'WTF!' n dide. Srsly.30 Wen it b Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem, it will b kinda like dat 2.
31 Wen it b Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem, don’t b tryin 2 pak up all ur toyz and stuff. Dat b silleeness.32 Remembur Lot’s ladee kitteh? (She lookd bak at da burning sittees and turnd 2 salt, k?) When Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem cumz, its tiem 4 movin forward, not bak. Srsly.
33 Deh kittehs hoo tri to gane life will loos it, but deh kittehs hoo loos der liefs will preserv it. Ironik, u see?
34 Wen it b Ceiling Cat Kingdom Tiem, 2 kittehs will b sleepin in deh kitteh condo; wun wiil go wit Ceiling Cat and wun will not.35 2 kittehs will b skratchin on deh skratchin post; wun will go wit Ceiling Cat and wun will be left.36 2 udder kittehs will b out chasin skwirlz; wun will go wit Ceiling Cat and wun will be left."37 Deh Lolcats sed, "Jebus, wher will dese tings happen?" Jebus sed, "Wher dere be rode-kill, dere will the flais gathur."