From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Teh Story of the N00b Manager
1 Jebus told his lolcats, "There was a rich kitteh whose manager was said to have wasted his cheezburgerz.2 So he went to teh manager and wuz lyke, "WTF? Give account of management cuz u FIRED lolz.3 The manager sayd to himself, "Oh noez! Wut I do now? Me is weak so can't dig hole, and me no dog so me can't beg...4 ..O wait I can do stuff so peepl still lyke meh."5 So teh manager called the one of peepz who owed the rich kitteh cheezburgerz. He was lyke. "How many cheezburgerz u owe teh rich kitteh?"6 Kitteh numbah one said, "Eight-hundred cheezburgerz." Teh manager was lyke, "OMG that's too many! I say u owe him 400 cheezburgers k?" And kitteh numbah one couldn't argue bcuz if he did he would get h4x0rd LOL.7 Den he ask kitteh numbah 2 da same queshtun. He are said, "The numbah of cheezburgerz I owe him is OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And the manager was lyke, "ORLY?" And kitteh numbah 2 was lyke "YARLY!" So teh manager said, "Well now you only owe him 800 cheezburgerz k?"8 Teh manager pwn3d teh rich kitteh cuz teh rich kitteh was meen. Teh kittehs of da wurld are meen to others of da wurld and not teh holy kittehs. "I wuldn't be meen to holy kettehs either, dey might smite meh!)9 So lyke, use ur cheezburgerz to getz u sum frendz, so when ur cheezburgerz get eated, you still gotz teh friends, k?10 If you be trusted with kid-sized cheezburger, you be trusted with supahsized cheezburger. But if you no trusted with kid-sized cheezburger, you no trusted with nuttin LOL.11 So if you can't be trusted with ur suff, you can't be trusted with other stuff.12 And vice versa.13 No cat can be in 2 ceilings. Either he hate one and luff teh other, or vice versa. You can't serve both Ceiling Cat and teh cheezburgerz. It one or other, not both, k?14 Teh Faraseez luvs cheezburgerz, so dey hissed at Jebus when he sayd dis.15 Jebus was lyke, "STFU n00bs! Teh other kittehs think u good, but Ceiling Cat knows the true ingreediants of ur cheezburgers. If erth kittehs lyke it, Ceiling cat don't.
|16=Der used 2 b lots of roolz abowt wut ur not suppozd 2b doin. Now dat i be heer, we don’t be focussin on dat stuff so much. |17=Eben so, dey r still bein gud roolz. Dey came frum de Ceiling Cat for a reezun, srsly.}}
|18=Here b 1 exampul: if u have a ladee kitteh bak at home, u btr not b leevin her for sum other kitteh, u no? So not kewl.}}
19 I will tell u a storee. Wonz upon a taim der wuz a rich kitteh hoo had minee cheezburgrs.20 But anudder kitteh hoo livd neer him (udder kitteh wuz calld Lazarus) had itcheez all ovr,21 n he wuz hungree 2 and had no kibbulz of his own; and nastee doggeez were alwayz comin and licken him. Srsly.
|22=But den Lazarus kitteh dyd and went to kitteh hevun wit de anjel kittehs and Abraham kitteh! Srsly! Oh, n rich kitteh dyd 2. |23=Ded rich kitteh did not go with anjels, tho, he went to de bad plase insted. He cud see Abraham kitteh and Lazarus kitteh far awaee, laffin n lookin happee n stuff.}}
|24=Ded rich kitteh yelld, “Hey, uz guyz, srsly, cud Lazarus come bring me sum nip and kibbulz 2? I be sad kitteh down heer in dis heet.”}}
|25=But Abraham kitteh say, “Excuz me, WTF? U spent ur erth time havin gud thingz and not sharin wid Lazarus. Tings sure b diffrent now, huh? Don’t liek it so much now, huh? 26=Anywayz, even if i wantd 2 i cudnt hep u. Duznt work dat way, sry!"}}
|27=Den ded rich kitteh sed, “Mayb u go visit my erth famalee den, and give dem warningz?}} |28=I got 5 bruders hoo still b on erth. Dey don’t want 2 burn, srsly."}}
|29=But Abraham kitteh say, "Dey got a copee of de rulz from Moses kitteh and Ceiling Cat alrdy, just liek evrybdy else!”}}
|30=Ded rich kitteh thot a warning from a gost kitteh mite do da trik, tho.}}
|31=But Abraham kitteh sed no. “If dey don’t lissun to Moses kitteh and udder profet kittehs, dey will not lissun to gost kitteh eether.”}}
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